Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Hasn't been STD tested
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by
Emily.
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Susie
My exclusive boyfriend of 4 months has not been tested for stds as I thought he had. We had clear discussions on this a few times and had both been tested about a year ago and were going to test again.Couple months later, he still hasn’t gone due to work hours and I brought it up again. He’s making an effort to set it up but as we’re talking, it’s revealed that he thought he had gone through with the test a year but realized he hadn’t. All trust in him is gone now. This was our first fight where I raised my voice at him. I am so upset my this lapse in judgement, neglect or lie, whatever it was. I really don’t know if I can get past this. Instead of being apologetic, he focused on why he felt attacked and that it was ok because his other girlfriends were negative and I was recently negative. Mind you, this means he hasnt been tested after his “wild” phase of many casual hookups. This puts me at such a high risk. He doesn’t understand, despite my thorough explaining many times that he could still have something if I showed up negative. I feel unsafe and hurt and he doesn’t see that. He only became apologetic now that he’s seeing this relationship may be over because of this. Is this normal for a man to be this nonchalant about protecting himself after one night stands? And to not understand the risk he puts his girlfriend at?
Ewa
Men don’t understand women, especially when you shout at them
mama
He sounds like he has some growing up to do. He’s responsible for his health, and how it affects those he loves.
Lying is a red flag in my book. Being honest about hard things takes courage and integrity.
Maddie
I wouldn’t say it’s normal, but some of it can be education-related. Some places really don’t teach or emphasize or discuss any of this within their communities, and people end up kind of ignorant enough to ignore it and not prioritize it or take it seriously enough. (Or worse, are misogynist, and tell the man it’s the woman’s responsibility and he’s entitled to just enjoy himself, but it’s usually still learned behavior and not inherently that men care less than women about this, though I suspect some men don’t know it can cause infertility for them too just like it can for women.) However, it sounds like you explained to him multiple times why it’s important. The people I’ve known who had it brought to their attention later on by partners then took it seriously once they were told it is an important thing for anyone to take seriously.
Not taking it seriously at the beginning is a yellow flag (depending on your ages and if he really didn’t know enough about it at first). Potentially lying about it, I agree, is a huge red flag. Digging his heels in instead of listening and taking you seriously the first time when he found out this was an important topic to you is an even bigger red flag, even if he has hangups around STD talk and testing being stigmatized instead of normalized wherever he grew up.
It shouldn’t take you entirely losing trust in him and him fearing losing you before he takes you seriously. I don’t think you can force him to understand, so instead look at the big picture and if this is the right partner for YOU as things are and have been. Personally, not taking your own and others’ health and safety seriously is a dealbreaker in my book.
AngieBaby
Not only does he fail to grasp the importance of testing, especially after he’s slept around, he’s lying to you. Game over, IMO. Lying is a slippery slope. When you see someone lying about something this big, I guarantee they will lie about other important things. I’m with the other ladies who say lying is a dealbreaker – add in lying about sexual health issues, that’s a double bye-bye on the spot.
Ladies: if testing is important to you, then NO SEX until you SEE the test results. Full stop. You can still contract things like herpes using condoms.
This man is telling you who he is with his actions. You want a liar? You want someone who doesn’t keep his word to do what he says he’s going to do? You want someone who does what he wants to do and doesn’t care about the consequences to others? You want someone who doesn’t listen to you or take you seriously when you say you’re concerned about something? You want someone irresponsible and immature? Then stick around, he’s perfect for you. But if you want a responsible, mature adult, time to walk away.
Tallspicy
Remember, that even if they are tested, they no longer test for herpes unless there is an actual outbreak because of false positives and negatives. So nothing is totally sure.
Emily
It sounds like you don’t trust him. Unless you have a history of breaking up with good men for silly reasons that are pure fabrications of your own overactive imagination, I would break up with him. No trust = no relationship.
Emily
TallSpicy is correct re:herpes
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