Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Have a child together and just broke up
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Kim.
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Kim
I don’t know what to do. Me and my fiancé just broke up. It’s hard for the no contact rule because we have a child together. I know my faults and I realized I pushed him away but he caused me to doubt him and not to trust him. We’ve been through many issues but we worked it out and I gave him that second chance. He ended angrily. He tried to prove I could trust and such but I was blind, lost and going though so much and he knew that. He came by a few days after to talk. He says he wants me and a family but not sure that’s possible because it took a break up for me to realize things. He says he’s not going to intentionally go looking for hookup or relationship but if he’s out and a girl starts talking and things kick off then he can’t help it. But also told me that maybe in a few months or so we can try again when I can show I’ve changed and learned my lessons and why things went this way. Oh and I will add there were a couple female friends I wasn’t comfortable him talking to for few different reasons so he stopped for me but then a day after he breaks up with me he starts talking to them. And he couldn’t tell me if he loved them or if they meant more to him then I did. He said he didn’t have an answer. My heart breaks not just for me but for our child. I love him and what that family with him but I don’t know what to do to help the disruption. Anyone have advice?
Lane
I’m sorry you going through this but it takes “two to tango.”
A woman usually doesn’t start having trust issues in a relationship unless the man is doing something to make her feel that way. Some woman however, often based on past trauma’s are unable to trust, and always believe the man is or will cheat thereby creating a toxic relationship based on their own mistrust.
What did he do to make you not trust him? Is it based on actual cheating; catching chatting up other ladies; coming home late; disappearing, etc.? Or is it based on your past, insecurities, or the inability to trust?
If neither of you are unable to be honest, communicate, and come up with a solution that you both can agree on, then neither of you will be successful in a relationship. It doesn’t sound like either of you have the skills or know how to navigate these difficult issues, whereas, a good counselor (negotiator) could teach you, if you both want to not only become a better partners but parents too. Remember, the both of you are your child’s role models. He/She will be watching, listening, and learning from the both of you, and you should both want to set him/her up for success. This is not an effective way to deal with problems, and this is not what the two of you should be teaching your child but how to work through problems, as a team, so they can develop better skills too :o)
AmyAB
“He says he’s not going to intentionally go looking for hookup or relationship but if he’s out and a girl starts talking and things kick off then he can’t help it. But also told me that maybe in a few months or so we can try again when I can show I’ve changed and learned my lessons and why things went this way.”
Read that again: “but if he’s out and a girl starts talking and things kick off then he can’t help it.”
And read this again: “we can try again when I can show I’ve changed and learned my lessons and why things went this way.”
He can’t keep it in his pants and you have to change?? You’re being gaslighted in a major way. It’s too bad you have a child with him. This man is never ever going to be faithful to you, and he will keep blaming it on you. Listen to your very good instincts and get the heck away from this guy. Figure out how to coparent and that’s all. This is not your forever man.
Claws
I would say you are the only one that wants to fight & change for the relationship. And if you have to fight alone, he is the one controlling the relationship. I would advise you to look at the positive side of this break-up. Maybe you& your child have been saved from living with a controlling narcissist??
Anyway, relax and move on. Stop thinking about the relationship and focus on the positive things in your life. Let him go. If he was meant for you, he will come back.Kim
“What did he do to make you not trust him? Is it based on actual cheating; catching chatting up other ladies; coming home late; disappearing, etc.? Or is it based on your past, insecurities, or the inability to trust?”
Not physically cheating but to me cheating in a way.
found naked pictures on his phone granted old one of random girls or exes, there may have been dating sites and fling sites, and sexually commenting on other women’s pictures mostly half naked one but rarely said things to me. Oh in being I found out he had posted old naked pictures of himself. Also hiding who he was talking to at some points because he knew I didn’t approve. I lost trust, my insecurities became worse, I felt like I wasn’t enough and he wanted something else. I know that wasn’t the case because he always told me I was enough and all he wanted. He has tried to prove to me I can trust him. Such as deleting everything, no more social media, blocking/deleting certain people. I had a very bad last year sickness and losing important loved ones and all his s*** coming out. I was stubborn so he kept trying and I couldn’t trust because after I found out one thing a little while later I found out another. It felt like repeat. I see now he was trying and I didn’t and I have to say that even broken up he’s been upfront with me even if he doesn’t have to.I’m just so confused now because he still wants to spend time with me and the baby. Do family things and make the memories. He acts like nothing happened. But says it will get easier. I’m so lost and confused. And he says we will see how things go and in future maybe try again.
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