Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Haven't seen a guy in nearly two weeks and I thought it was going well…
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ava.
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ava
Been going crazy the past few days, you guys… someone please tell me if I am over-thinking this:
Met a guy three weeks ago (both in our late 20s, met via an online site where we both say we’re open to casual/serious) – we hit it off on the first date, had a fantastic second date (which did, yes, end in really great sex.. but perhaps too early), and an awesome third (also ended in sex, and breakfast the next morning). This was all within the span of two weeks, and during these dates, this guy kept saying things about us doing things together in the near future. He even, when we talked about our families, said something to the effect of, ‘I think I’ll really like your brother’.. in a way that implied he might be thinking about me more seriously. We didn’t talk at all, however, about dating, as I wanted to keep it casual and feel things out – not ask any questions right away. Things seemed to be going great and I totally felt pursued, so I didn’t worry.
The next three days, I didn’t hear from him. It kind of worried me. But then, he texted me to tell me hey, and that he’d been out of town w/no cell phone service. Knowing the guy’s lifestyle a bit, it didn’t surprise me at all and I was glad I hadn’t freaked out too much. He then asked me if I wanted to do something that evening.
An hour later, he cancelled the date because of a friend’s emergency. It was completely legit, and I followed up with him to make sure everything was okay with his friend. He kept me up to date, but never re-scheduled our planned date. Two days later, I randomly texted him to ask how stuff was going, and that it’d be fun to hang again soon. This is where I’m worried I made a mistake. He responded about how stuff was going well, but nothing about that yes, we should hang soon.
I know this is all just text message, and it’s hard to base anything off of that, but I’m just so confused. This has all happened within the past week (last text was two days ago), so it hasn’t been very long, but him flirting with me via text just isn’t there anymore.
Lost interest? Prefers to just be spontaneous instead of plan? Is just super busy?
Am I freaking out for no reason? I’m pretty sure I am… because I really like the guy. But wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to reschedule or at least allude to seeing each other again soon since he had to cancel the last date? Or are guys just sometimes really aloof?
While casually dating, I’ve never cared about this stuff. But now that I really like a guy who I actually feel compatible with, not just attracted to, I’m freaking out!
Does it sound like he’s lost interest or am I just being impatient? My rational mind is telling me to calm down, but emotionally, I’m already feeling rejected.
Grr, hormones!!!
Thanks for any wise advice in advance. :)
ava
By the way, two out of our three dates were primarily during daytime hours, where I even met his friends. Sure he could be using me for sex, but I really think he’s looking for someone more, even if we specifically are not a match… so, just a note on his integrity level – my intuition still tells me it is high.
Talllady
Not good news, sweetie… He is not really interested. Two weeks is too long for someone you saw 3 times…
His non-reschedule tells you everything and you keep initiating. Time to stop.
He may come back, but let him do it… Do not prompt him…
Stop sleeping with men so early.
Jess
There’s no real telling what’s going on in his mind about why he’s not pursuing you anymore. The point is, he’s just not…and you have to just chalk it up to his loss. Yeah, the sex was great, so he’s missing out! Yeah, you’re great too, so he’s missing out! If he can’t realize what he’s losing by not continuing to pursue you, then that’s someone you shouldn’t want to be with! I know it’s easier said than done, especially when you’re feeling like maybe if you had just said this instead of that, or didn’t text when you did, etc….point is, I just see it as you were being yourself. You didn’t seem to be coming from a clingy place, or any sort of desperation either…you were being honest about how you enjoyed his company and that you’d like it to continue. But since he’s not following through, I say just let him go. Maybe he’ll come around and realize what he was letting go, but don’t wait around for him to, because you’re too good for that. I would say there is still time for him to come back for one more chance, but don’t let him string you along if he’s not going to be clear with his intentions.
Juliette
Hi Ava,
I think you need to re-evaluate what you are actually looking for. You do not sound like you are looking for a casual dating relationship at all. It is TOTALLY fine to be looking for a long term relationship, but you need to recognize that and be honest with YOURSELF about what you will and will not accept. This attitude shift alone will help weed out these kinds of guys/experiences.Ivy
First if you want casual then why are you stressing?
Were you being honest in that you would accept a purely casual no strings attached relationship?
Were you hoping to be cool and casual but secretly expecting him to act like a guy who is pursuing you for a relationship?
You are saying and giving off mixed signals, that is going to confuse the guy. It doesn’t sound like you know what you want.
You are open to casual or serious, you ware acting casual, he says a few future oriented things, so you are happy but still act casual but want him to act relationshipy.
Before you analyze the guy think about what you truly want and expect.
ava
Thanks ladies for your replies!!
Especially this: “You are open to casual or serious, you ware acting casual, he says a few future oriented things, so you are happy but still act casual but want him to act relationshipy.”
It’s so true; I probably do give off mixed signals. As far as wanting a casual relationship, I was intentionally wanting casual and only casual for the past year or so, up until very very recently. So I probably was still giving off a ‘casual’ vibe, expecting him to decipher whether I’m wanting more than that or not. I guess my bad on not talking about that? Otherwise not really sure how I could’ve acted differently…
My good friends I’ve talked to have said similar things – move on, nothing more you can do, you were just being yourself so don’t beat yourself up about it, he might actually just be busy and still come around (it’s only been a week) but who knows, etc.etc.
I think where I still feel confused – for future dating – is, how soon to bring up what I’m looking for when dating someone? And also, is the masculine role vs. the feminine role really that cut and dry? Guy friends of mine have complained before that they always have to be the initiator – that they don’t think it’s fair, and that often they want the girl to ask THEM to do something – that it shouldn’t be one-sided. They also think any of the ‘rules’ or ‘time-tables’ are stupid.
It’s so tricky because in this day and age, lines really are blurred. And I’ve been told by numerous guys in my dating experience that I myself have confused them as to my interest level in THEM.
So, how soon to have that talk when starting to date someone? I suppose there is nothing wrong with saying up front on the first date that you are not into casual dating, but it also sounds like a conversation that could make a guy feel pressured as to how he feels about you way too soon.
I’m more comfortable showing my playful/cool side in the beginning, but maybe that is why I end up in these confusing situations.
Getting into hypotheticals here now…
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