Having a hard time with no contact after almost 2 weeks

Hey I too am thinking about and missing my guy that I broke up with exactly 2 weeks ago. We parted because I wanted more and he wasn’t ready. I don’t have any urge to contact him because I just have nothing to say, and I’m not hoping that he would text me. But, I am ruminating the relationship more than I want to admit and I’m secretly hoping that he’d change his mind and show up for me. I’m wondering if he misses me too but I know it doesn’t matter. It’s pretty hard.
I can tell you though it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s him.

Hi Pop,
I’m sorry you are going through a similar situation. It is indeed a waiting game when you’re hoping that the other person will contact you. Tough thing to wait out.
I was this guy’s “sounding board” for a good while, and we also had tons in common. After having some perspective on things the last two weeks, I am seeing things differently — for good and for bad. Are you experiencing the same thing? I think the thing I want this person to know is that I will always love him. We have a very strong and unusual connection, and it’s hard to think about that just being ended with a break up text. It just seems so wrong and insensitive. In the text where he asked for space, he said that I shouldn’t interpret the text as a “break up” text, and that he would do that in person if it came to that. But, he didn’t. He ended the relationship over text. The friends who met him said he didn’t have the b*lls to face me and tell me in person. They said too, that he was a bit full of himself and he had an ego (he was in a band and was attractive, and also had a very magnetic personality and he wanted me to be exclusive within a month. The whole thing makes me so angry, and I know I didn’t deserve this… I feel bad that I fell for him. I think he too is angry that I haven’t caved and called or texted him. When I felt him pulling away a month ago, I was touching base with him more, which was definitely my bad. I can see that now, but it still gives him no excuse.

You were only with this man about 3 or 4 months. That’s not love, it’s infatuation. You were in love with who you thought he was, not who he really is.

You got way too invested , way too soon. And your acting like you had a say in the break up, and you didn’t.

Put those things in perspective.

No!

Hun you need to move on from this man and stop making excuses for him.
He wasn’t divorced, which means he is still married, he moved into a new home and has a terminally sick parent.

He sent you very long text messages saying he wasn’t wanting a relationship with you. He didn’t open the door for a conversation with you about this. He was very deliberate in doing this.

Who knows why he sent a text ‘thinking of you’ .. Maybe he was, at that time.

What do you expect to accomplish by sending him a letter. Do you not think he knew exactly what he was doing?

Autumn, welcome to the world of men then. The fact that they get carried away initially as in being infatuated with you, introducing you to everyone really means nothing. I have introduced men to my family too that I ended up dumping either right after or soon after. Then they can just say, well, hey, sorry I was wrong. Until you have a deeper connection with a person for years and even then you can never ever take anything for granted and unfortunately everyone is entitled to a change of heart at any time and sadly sometimes we do not see the signs coming while they are usually there. I have been treated to the same wonders you have and in the most cruel way and for a long time it haunted me why it happened and sometimes the answer is that there is no answer, the simple reason is that the person you thought he was is not the person he is. Then you can come to the realization that you were in love with a phantom, someone who never existed. It is extremely hard to move on without answers but trust me even if it happened in person and you would be given some excuses, well, I am almost certain that you would still feel down like this.

You also rarely get the real reason. I think that maybe just seeing that he was never a good guy you believe he was, could help you move on. Remember to never start with a married guy or one going through or fresh after divorce for the reason that men take much longer to recover. When men are at crossroads in a relationship, they may go either way. My BF also took back a promise he made to me at which time I ended things with him but later restarted after a long time of him trying to start things over and only reconsider our positions. But you do not want this guy back, the most likely reason if he was to ever come back would be for an ego boost and you would end up hurting yet again.

I think I recommended you use a support forum before, the reddit ExNoContact chat room is very helpful in my opinion. Many people suffer like you, most do in fact, many need almost daily support, which you can get there, you can talk to a lot of nice people going through the same heartache. Also continue going to therapy and do a lot of self help, read as much as you can online on breakups, psychology, relationship experts, etc., only do not believe sites that advertise that they will get your ex back with no contact. Sadly, that by itself does not work. If someone wants to come back because they realize they made a mistake, they will. No contact can help with that but no contact by itself will never get any ex back and that is not the reason we go into no contact but to move on and to cut this poison out of our lives.

Also remember that friendship does not work after a relationship. Please try not to act pathetic and do not humiliate yourself, you have been doing great. It is a fact that most people fail no contact at one point, I know I did after my grueling breakup two weeks into the NC and my text was never answered. I only wanted to know what happened and talk it over in person. In hindsight I would have gained nothing and you know very well that right now you just want any excuse to see your ex and get him back. I dropped all contact after that. As I told my story about that here a few times the ex did come back, years later, he started coming after me with increased frequency after about a year and a half. But in hindsight it was never real interest, he wanted sex, he wanted to toy with me and to see that he could still have me. Stupid me fell for it and was let down yet again, I never heard from him after meeting him again. It could devastate some, to me it was closure because I really saw his true colors and seeing him without the rosy lenses made me see the real monster of a person he was. Even if not, even if one day there was real love, in most cases it can never be brought back. He is your ex for a reason. Remember this and repeat this. Unless he made a gazillion attempts to blow your phone up, email, text, call non-stop, he is not considered serious. Even if he does it, there are no guarantees, it is hard to overcome the lack of trust that is left in the person that was the one they broke up with.

SthrnBelle and Lisa,
Thank you both again for the perspective. You ladies have really helped me to stay on track with the N.C. — I really thank you from the bottom of my heart. The only way I’ve been able to stay N.C. this whole time is through listening to others. I have had to fully trust what everyone else has been telling me, and I’m glad I have!

So I will not be sending the letter my therapist and I wrote. I’ll continue to hold onto it. It would be the absolute worst thing to look pathetic in this man’s eyes, and I certainly don’t want that — I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of thinking he got the best of me in this situation! I did try to look into the suggestion on the reddit forum (on my phone), but it didn’t seem to be working. I will check once more — many thanks for your suggestions!

SthrnBelle, you are absolutely correct about not being serious unless someone blows up your phone and constantly is trying to communicate with you. The last guy I dated who SAID he was divorced (but at the 9 month mark told me that he was in the process of signing divorce papers — you have to have a good memory to be a good liar!) was addicted to my support, wasn’t investing in me and wasn’t treating me very well, so I stopped contacting him. He went crazy trying to get in touch with me. I told him he needed to see others and I would do the same. He wouldn’t leave me alone, but I knew I was better for not being with him. I took several months, but we are able to be friends now. It doesn’t bother me that he’s seeing others. And I absolutely didn’t care, because I had moved on to what I thought was a much better, more devoted man who didn’t lie to me about his status, and who walked the walk. He always did what he said he would do, until all of this happened. That’s why this astonishes me. It was definitely a barometer for how well the relationship was going. So crazy how things went awry.
What are the thoughts about being supportive to a man, too, ladies? I know you’re not supposed to be there support system and that doesn’t cause a man to love you, but how much is ok, and when do you draw the line? My friends have always said I’m a great listener, so I naturally want to listen and help ONLY when they ask for advice. It seems like men often want me to listen to them. How do I know when enough is enough and when and how to cut them off?

Never put yourself in a position of over giving to a man. This means don’t give him anymore time, attention, money, support, gifts, phone calls, texts, etc. than he gives to you.

It’s that simple. The man should be the giver. Men are men. They don’t need or want to be coddled or taken care of. If they want help, they will ask. If not, let hem deal on their own. Being overly supportive doesn’t win you brownie points. Especially not during the early dating stages. It’s over giving.

It’s ok to be supportive like this to a gf , another woman. It’s many times expected and what women want.

Women think the more time they give, the more care they offer, the more present they are for the man, it will endear him more to her. Not true. Over giving gives off a vibe of being desperate.

Thank you again for your comments — they are very helpful.

So I guess, Lisa, that just listening is the same as giving, correct? If I had heard this earlier, I might have saved myself some major trouble, as he was not offering to listen to me. He would always interject and turn the conversation back to himself. Duly noted! In the past, that guy who lied about being divorced actually accused me of being “tit for tat” when I reciprocated at the same pace he did…lol

The therapist encouraged me mightily when I showed her the journal I had filled in a week. I told her I had no contacted him, and she was reinforcing this idea. She said his break up text deserved no response, frankly. It was my waffling over the next week and telling her that I might want to keep the door open to be friends since we ran in some of the same circles that made her agree to help me write something. Last week, when she heard that he had sent the 2 paperbacks to my workplace, she asked if I had sent the letter to him, and I told her I hadn’t — that I was having second thoughts. She didn’t encourage me to send it. I don’t think she’s in support of it. She is in support of my writing my thoughts in my journal, and I know that has helped me in the NC period. I do feel like I can talk to her better than the one I had before. I can tell her anything, and she is very wise.

What do you all suggest I do/say when I run into him? Have any of you had to deal with this sort of thing?

It is hard to stop feeling for someone who you loved.

But be proud in the fact you did not give up…he did.

Who ever knows what really goes on in someone’s heart and mind? Surely not mere human beings.

Here is the situation, he said he is done. So when a person says they are done that is it.

It is really simple. It is time to grieve the loss…and to look at whether it really is a loss. I mean when someone walks away do you really want them anyway? I don’t. It may hurt for a while but do you really want a man that called it quits?

Personally I want someone who will be there through thick and thin….not someone who walks.

So, understand that your future is yet to be written…