Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › He asked could i see myself being with him
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Emily.
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Kiey
I’ve been going out with a guy for almost a month. Things have been wonderful and nothing less. Today he texted me after i asked could he come over tonight and he said “how much do you like me?”
and i replied “why do you ask?”
And he said “Obviously you do. And I like you too. But do you see yourself being with me? You already don’t like the fact that I drink and smoke. “
And i said “i never said i don’t like it but i don’t like the fact you ask all the time for me to try it… i don’t really drink nor do i smoke”
TL:DR; he asked about being together then said i don’t like things about him
Miss_A
My boyfriend had similar concerns early in our relationship. He drinks often and smokes pot regularly. I rarely drink and never smoke. We both actually wondered if we were incompatible because of it. But over time I observed him, and I decided the good outweighed the bad by a lot. Rather than trying to change him (which is never a good idea), or break up, I chose to fully accept him exactly as he was. And he’s a great guy! Our relationship is still going strong three years later. However, the one thing my boyfriend never did was pressure me to drink or smoke. Never, not once. I would keep a close eye on that because it’s a red flag. Another possibility is this guy I looking for a way out and wants you to do the breaking up. I can’t say if that’s the case based on the limited information you’ve given. Just observe his behavior very carefully, and I think his true motives will reveal themselves.
Maddie
Whenever a guy asked me for sudden early dating reassurances that I liked him / was attracted to him, it was a red flag. Either he was deeply insecure and had issues with women / past partners he was projecting on me (usually the issue) or he didn’t express and feel connection in the way I do so we weren’t compatible.
It also sounds a little to me like your lack of drinking and smoking reflects back in his mind and makes him have to look at his own habits, and he doesn’t like that. I’m glad you stood up for yourself and told him to stop pressuring you. If you are both young (it sounds like you may be?) and he does respect your boundaries and stops pressuring, then we can call it a yellow flag because maybe he doesn’t know better yet (I had a boyfriend pressure me like that when I was 18 because he had a lot to learn, not because he was a bad person). If he continues resenting you for not joining him and stays defensive, it’s most likely about insecurity and control and you should consider if he’s really the man you want to be with because he may not put your needs and comfort first in general. If I’m misreading your post and he is simply assessing “compatibility” because feeling comfortable with drinking and smoking is a high priority to him and there was no defensiveness in his tone, then his communication skills sound like they need work. Plus, you would still need to decide how comfortable you are with a man who prioritizes that.
Sophia
My impression is he may be thinking you’re not compatible because he likes to drink and smoke and possibly feels he “can’t just be himself” because you don’t really do either.
Kiey
Well i answered just question and he’s ghosting me
Maddie
Ugh, I’m sorry, but good riddance to him. It’s easy for everything to seem great for a few weeks before you actually get to know someone, but I’ve had guys just flip on me like that (usually around 3 weeks, too!). It’s nothing you did, he has his own issues and was looking for an excuse. Be happy he showed you his true colors so early!
Sophia
I am sorry as well. I know it sucks, but you’ll be alright. Hang in there.
mama
Sounds like he wants a girl who will drink and/or smoke and doesn’t know how to tell you that in a way that isn’t manipulative af (he baits you with “how much do you like me” then gives you a virtual smackdown by whining you don’t like his drinking and smoking). That whole conversation and actions afterwards are kind of a d**k move.
Give yourself a moment then move on. Sorry dear.
Erin
Look here my girl, when a relationship is one month old you barely know the person yet and him asking asinine questions like he did, is a red flag.
It was never really about smoking and drinking.He is/was emotionally unavailable and was protecting onto you. Need further proof,he went on to ghost you after you answered him.
Just know that, no answer that you would have given him would change the outcome, the dice was thrown alreadyso don’t beat yourself about it.
Maybe stop looking at the situation through rose colored spectacles,ultimately you didn’t know him and you probably didn’t like him as you initially thought you did if you’re honest with yourself.
In relationships,people usually start showing their true colors between 4-6 months up to a year. Anything before that is a whole lot of smoke and mirrors and the relationship will still be running on hormones and endorphins.Erin
Meant *projecting* onto you
Emily
You would have to ask him why he asked this. The more important question is do you really want to date someone with some of his personal habits?
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