He asked me out but slept with someone else?

Kara, do you know the term/concept FWB? Friends with benefits. Also known as NSA (no strings attached) sex. Men are very capable of having sex with a woman they know they aren’t interested in having as a GF. He wants to date you. You two haven’t even had a date yet! What he’s doing right now with whom is none of your business and it’s too bad you found out. How did you find out? Were you digging or was this information freely offered without prompting? Sounds like you live in a small town or it’s a small college.

He’s been VERY honest with you and showed you the text messages that he’s told her straight up he’s interested in you and she’s wishing him well for that.

At the same time, I understand your position. I’d feel weird dating a guy I knew was sleeping with someone else on the side.

My two cents – go out with him 3-4 times and see how it goes. Forget her, she’s not competition. You don’t have enough information yet to know if you’ll even like him. Do not get sexual, obviously. Don’t get sexual until you’ve had “the talk” – and actually this is good training for you for the rest of your life. Look through this site and see how many women get sexual without knowing where they stand and wind up in a “situationship” where they are dating exclusively but not sexually exclusive, which is a terrible position to put yourself into.

YOu’re learning at age 20 you don’t let that happen, that’s a great thing. When you meet a man, it’s safe to assume he’s dating and likely sleeping with other women he’s not committed to. He has a right to. But you need to spend time with him to see if he’s even up to your standards, so what do you care what he’s doing with anyone else. That’s a high value woman.

Let us know what you decide to do and how it goes.

OK, that’s fair – then tell him you’re uncomfortable with this situation and don’t go out with him. Honor your gut feelings. There’s another great lesson to learn at 20.

With the additional information you’ve provided, I totally see your POV and I agree with you. I think you have too much information about his ongoing activities with this other girl to be able to feel good about dating him. This is literally the definition of having your cake and eating it too. I’m glad to see you setting a standard and sticking to it.

What will you do if he says, OK I’ll stop seeing her??

I agree with you Ewa. OP needs to be prepared though to handle “OK, then I”ll stop seeing her.” Because he might pull that one out of his pocket when she turns him down. This isn’t a quality guy… but they’re very young. He’s got a lot to learn about women and assuming she does tell hm no and sticks to it, he’s gonna get schooled!

I think he *believes* that his situation with her doesn’t have anything to do with you and has them compartmentalized, which is why to him it’s not a problem. She’s sex, and 20 year old men like to get to have sex. Would he want to be more with her if she wanted to date? Does he only seem to want her because she’s unavailable? Is he really cool with them just being FWB? No idea. What rubs me the wrong way is when men are selectively nice to women like this. It sounds like he is communicating openly with her, which is respectful at least no matter what they are, but it’s messy and immature that he’s assigning behavior like that based on what he can get out of the woman.

It’s perfectly okay if YOU want to date someone fully available from the start who isn’t actively keeping doors open elsewhere, even if just for sex. It’s also perfectly okay if you’re uncomfortable with a new guy already having existing long-term casual relations elsewhere, especially if it reflects that his values don’t align well with yours.