HE asked ME where I saw us in the future …

First of all, do not answer or discuss such questions via email. You broke up and then he asks you “where do you see us in 5 years?”, well, ask him where does he see you? but better not to discuss via email at all.

Men are smart about how to get their ego boosted and their self-esteem supported during the difficult times. He was missing you, so he got you to support him.

You told him the truth, don’t regret it now, but next time, if it happens, avoid email or text or phone. If you already agreed to break it up, then you need to first ask him if these questions mean he wants to get back together before answering them. Do not let yourself be manipulated.

Generally, I try to do to others what I’d like them to do to me (not religious, just a fair and decent approach I agree with). Be truthful to yourself and act accordingly but do not allow anyone to manipulate you. Set things straight.

If the relationship is genuine you will know. If you have those nagging questions and doubts, then…

Hi Rhiannon,

I saw your comments in a thread where someone was asking what to do after 1,5 years of on/off with a guy and I really loved what you said. Take your own advice!

I don’t think I can give any better advice than the other Maria here already did but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My ex also came back 6 months after the breakup, said he loves me and wants to marry me, that he got scared of his own feelings and that’s why it didn’t work out. After having doubted for 6 months whether our relationship ever meant anything to him, I was high on a cloud for a while after that happened. He promised to take me out on a surprise date and I thought that maybe, MAYBE he had finally sorted his head out. It’s been two weeks now and communication has been going down. I’ve asked TWICE when the surprise date will happen and he’s just coming up with excuses. I’m sure he’s seeing someone else, maybe has been all along. I feel hurt and sad but above all I feel stupid for having fallen into the same manipulation trap AGAIN. At the same time, I know this time it won’t take me 6 months to bounce back. I deserve better and will get it one day.

Bottom line is, when a guy is serious, he’ll show it. End of discussion, end of making excuses for him. Feelings only fade with time but eventually, they will be gone. Take whatever your ex does now as a reminder of the fact that he’s not ready to give you what you want, need and deserve. Yeah you could’ve reacted differently but there is no need to be hard on yourself about that. You were honest and you spoke your heart. Just put the focus back on yourself – how do you want a man to treat you, what do you want from a relationship? Only that way you will see (and I think you already do) that he’s not the guy, at least not now. If he ever comes back, which he probably will do, take a good look at your list and claim all that. Don’t accept anything less. Since the guy has already been wishy-washy with you twice, he for sure needs to act like he means it.

Oh, I just read the last part of your message again and saw two points that I know all two well too.

1: blaming yourself for the breakup. Don’t fall for that. I repeat, DO NOT fall for that! My guy (who also said he got scared etc.) also made me feel I pushed him too hard and scared him away. That’s a pile of BS. Unless you’re a psycho, a real who’s in it for the real deal man will be able to handle a woman’s need to safety, stability and trust in a relationship. Yes, that means commitment and yes, that means trusting the other person with your emotional needs (both ways) but that will not be too much of a burden for a serious man to carry. You can’t compromise your own emotional needs in a relationship to the extent where you can’t get these basic needs fulfilled.

2: thinking he was messing with you all along. When you get hurt, it’s easy to think the guy wasn’t serious at all and was just playing with you. Well, that might be the case but based on what you wrote, it sounds to me like he really was/is into you. However, no amount of feelings will make a relationship, you also need to be able to act on those feelings, to follow through. He sounds like he has his own baggage that drags him down and makes him emotionally unavailable but it’s not your job to fix him. And don’t you even dare thinking if you fix him, that’ll make him love you like no one else!! :) A whole lot has been written about emotionally unavailable men on the Baggage Reclaim site but honestly, I think you’d be better off just accepting he was into you but is too much of a mess for you to bear than go crazy trying to figure his problems out. Trust me, I just spent 6 months doing that and it didn’t really get me anywhere.

Oh noo, don’t tell me this guy’s telling you his exes were crazy! Mine did the same too!! Well YEAH, if you can’t give a woman that feeling of emotional safety and stability in a relationship, OF COURSE you will drive them crazy! After we broke up with the guy, I’ve done some serious thinking and my current thoughts are that all women – and why not men too – need to feel the other person’s got their back and meets their need for emotional and physical intimacy. That you can share your ups and downs with them and they are open enough to do the same too. If you can’t trust the guy to be there for you, your options are to 1) freak out or 2) walk away. I know I know, smart women choose option no 2 but I don’t blame us who occasionally fall for option no 1. We’re all human after all. But if the guy acts like the girl is the one who caused it by being crazy or psycho, I’d really bounce it back on the guy! A relationship is a joint venture and he needs to do his part as well.

Thank god for ANM! Love sharing thoughts with ladies like you Rhiannon, appreciate it lots!

SnarkySab!!! I love it! I am coming on here and asking next time before I answer! (JK, I won’t answer him again, and he keeps texting little “jokes” etc…which I am ignoring). Question, do I keep ignoring him or do I say something like “I’ve moved on, leave me the *&^* alone!”

Maria2 – Live and learn, aye? Like my mom said (and we know they are always right!!) don’t be too hard on yourself, just use it as a lesson and move on a smarter woman! I met a guy last week (we have our first official date Saturday) and so far he is a complete 180 from my ex. He’s actually NICE! Imagine that!!!