He broke up with me, reaches out now and then but also ghosts

You need to let this guy go. He does not sound like he is ready for a committed relationship at all. He’s essentially only reaching out to you when he’s bored, possibly drunk, and also because he knows you’ll respond and be there whenever.

You shouldn’t have sent him a letter, and you shouldn’t be following each other on social media. All of these will just hold you back from getting over him.

I’ve had a few friends who married and dated military guys. I can tell you that their career always comes first and there is a lot of sacrifices their families have to make. I’m not saying women or men shouldn’t date military, I’m saying you really need to know and understand what you’d be getting into before making such a commitment.

If the guy can’t even commit to you, then why would you want to be with someone like that? You need to let him go and move on with your life.

He was VERY committed and consistent in our relationship. Not only did his family tell me that I was the only girl (he’s dated several other girls previous to me) that he brought to meet the family, but he’s also the one who initiated conversations about marriage and having a family. And those weren’t just words. He was making plans towards making things happen. He’d even bought an engagement ring (hadn’t proposed yet).

I know he’s still young, but getting married/having a family are both two of his biggest life goals. However, I also know going into the military was also way up there on the list for him. I realize that I needed to be more informed about what all is involved in a military/LDR before going into it and I really did make an effort to learn more while we dated. Not in time, though, apparently.

You are doing everything WRONG because you are “thinking” like a woman, but that is now how a man thinks.

Men do not connect the same way a woman does. All those things you listed isn’t how a guy decides to be with a woman or not, where in many cases, they will still get into a relationship or marry a woman who has the opposite values they do because men connect on a very *primal level* where it starts out with physical attraction (a must), and then how the woman makes him FEEL when he’s in her presence. The problem with this is that its often based on lust/infatuation (look it up), where it *feels* a lot like love but it is not, its actually superficial and literally one day they will wake up and say “I don’t see a future with this woman.” However, what the man is really saying is “I don’t want to sleep with only this woman for the rest of my life”. This is why a woman needs to get smart about men, and keep her wits about her especially during the lust/infatuation stage (first few months).

I’ve gone through this myself, when I was young (around 21), where we fell in love super fast, were planning our wedding within a few months, and then BAM—its like he intentionally sabotaged it by sleeping with someone. I was very hurt but the one thing I did not do is beg, grovel, plead or try to get him back in anyway because I knew I deserved better! The kicker is, we were both in the military at the time but the life lesson I learned from this experience, is “only fools rush in” so from thereon I refused to get swept up like that again.

From became the turtle (not the hare), by taking my sweet time because until we surpassed the lust/infatuation stage (beyond six months) only then I could be pretty sure of a man’s true feelings. My ex husband also tried to push it, very early, like the fiance I discussed above did but I held fast, and didn’t allow it. Nope, I waited 2.5 to finally marry him, who by the way was military career man, who I met when in the military and stationed together, whereas that marriage lasted over 20 years.

My advice to you is to STOP any and all attempts at chasing this man! You MUST take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach by going fully NC (no contact), including social media, so he can FULLY FEEL what his life without you in it truly feels like! The one thing men value, and is high on their “list of needs” is *RESPECT*. The moment they lose respect for you, its over in their eyes. Grovelling, begging, pleading or trying to make them come back makes you look needy, desperate and pathetic in their eyes which is NOT the way you want to make a man feel about you. When you do, they will treat you like a doormat—someone he can wipe his feet all over knowing you will accept any bad treatment he throws your way. Don’t be that type of woman!

Take back your dignity and self-respect, now. Be the confident, strong, and take no crap from anyone woman, especially with a man, and you’ll be in a position to choose better men who know if they don’t treat you like a queen, you will walk away because you have a healthy self-esteem, know your worth, and that you will never sacrifice it for your personal well being, or long-term happiness. Trust me on this—it is far better being SINGLE than being in a crappy relationship! Been there, done that, will never do it again!