He cheated,,,

Thank you Ellie and Honeypie,

I made it through the weekend! It has been officially one week since the break up and with no contact. Today I feel stronger. Not sure how long it will last but I’m going with it for now. I’ve been having a lot of dreams about him lately where he comes running back asking that i forgive him. I have to keep in mind that that is not real life no matter how real the dreams feel.

I’m reaching out for counseling today. I’ve been reading a lot on attachment styles and I can relate to some of it (anxious preoccupied). I’d like to know how to find skills moving forward. Has anyone else found that they have this attachment style? What has helped

Ellie,

I have similar traits, not all but some. One of them being I take things personally, too.

I had my first session with a therapist today and I was feeling really good about it. In fact, I’ve had pretty tolerable days the past few days. I woke up feeling like I was finding my anger towards him. I felt like I was seeing more clearly and the chat with the therapist had given me hope but then it went down hill just a second ago.

In the course of our relationship I had gotten very close to two of his friends. I got along well with all of his friends but these two in particular were just closer to me. Today I realized that one of them has removed me off social media. He used to send me videos and silly memes. Sometimes they would be daily and sometimes days would go by. I had wondered what I was going to do the next time he send me something. Today I realized that he hadn’t posted anything in days and it clicked. I went to check and confirmed my suspicion, he unfriended me.

It’s actually really stinging right now. I’m aware that THEY are friends and I was just the girlfriend but I guess I didn’t expect my ex to tell anyone this soon. He once told me, a while ago, that he would probably not reach out to anyone if we broke up because he’d need some time. I got stuck on that statement. Plus, I figured he would be ashamed and wouldn’t go around telling people we weren’t together anymore just yet. My ex was not very expressive with his feelings and this friend in particular lives hours away so it’s not like they talk often. In fact I would talk to him a lot more. He would joke with me and tell me the only reason why he knew B (my ex) was alive was because of me. I guess I’m just in shock that he obviously knows. Now i’m on a downhill spiral of over thinking the unfriending decision.

Does he know why we broke up? Is my ex hurting enough that he reached out to people? Or is my ex being petty? Are rumors being spread about me? If so, how dare he!

It’s not so much the friend removal that bothers me. My friends would unfriend my ex too if they had him on social media. They’d do it in a heartbeat but that’s because HE hurt ME.

It somehow feels like my ex just took some of my strength with this. It somehow feels like I’m guilty of something. I don’t know if that makes sense but I feel like this is rubbing salt on my wound. It makes me feel like I did something wrong.

Seeing how easily your ex took off and never fully acknowledged how he betrayed you, you can expect him to tell bs stories to be in the right. Guys do that. So the friend can have a totally baloney story about what happened. It is sad though that he chose to do this. But thats on him.
Some of us including me, urged you to go tell friends and family. I hope you have done so. If not, then this is a sign you should. Your ex was happy to let everyone know.
I actually feel a bit sick about this. Its so unfair. He goes cheating and make you insecure for months and now sails off to a nice sunset. But stay focused on yourself. Better be single than be with a cheating pr*ck.
Im very argumentative at times, so i would probably asked the friend why he chose the side of cheating liar instead of yours. But thats me. Well i learned guys dont tell other guys the truth. Never. They are the weaker sex

Ss and Newbie,

I agree with the both of you. I struggle wondering how much I even knew this man or if I knew him at all. The man I thought I knew would have NEVER spoken ill about me or anyone. I’ve heard his friends talk about his ex on an occasion and he stopped it and was like “nah, no point in talking about her, she’ll have to live with that” and I was SO impressed at the time. He sounded so mature. Especially because I KNEW how much she had hurt him. But me? Like is he really out there spinning some victimized story? What the actual _____!

I have confided in my closest friends. I spoke to one of them last night about this and she made a good point about how many man don’t process their feelings until months later. I know I’ve read this before, too. She mentioned how she thinks one of two things happened; 1. He could’ve called this one friend when I “kicked him out” and so this friend saw/heard him upset and feels defensive about it. Or 2. He simply asked his friend to unfriend me because we’re broken up and since I blocked him on social media he wanted to “get even”.. I mean I can speculate the heck out of what is happening or why I was unfriended and truth be told, I am taking it personal. I’m not upset at the friend, I’m upset at my ex. He could’ve very easily said “we just didn’t work out”… This isn’t high school. There was no need to make it messy or complicated.

One thing I know for a fact though is that whatever he is saying or said that’s on him. I’m at peace with my side. I know what happened. I know I gave this my all and was the best partner I knew how to be. Even through the pain I know that I have no regrets. I hope one day it finally hits him. I hope the universe one day reminds him of everything he had and that he ruined. I don’t know if this type of justice exist but I sure hope that it does.

Ewa,

I don’t think his friend knew but I guess at this point I wouldn’t put anything passed my ex and now I suppose his friends either.

You are right. I had hope. Hope that he would fight for our relationship and that he’d realize the terrible mistake that he’d made. I know him enough to not expect it (he’s a stubborn man) but I wished for it. I just wanted, I still do, to feel like I meant something.

This realization that I don’t know who he was really gets the best out of me. If I think about it too much it makes me start to over think a lot of things.

I hate to say this but how are you so sure his ex hurt him so bad? Maybe he just wanted to shut up the guy because he would say other things. You maybe the next ex who hurt him so bad. Too bad universe doesnt work like that though. Stupid doesnt know what stupid does. I do think he will regret it and come back to at least try to connect.
But i feel your work is elsewhere. In your first post you describe you missed many flags just because you thought it was ‘cultural’ differences. You have to look back. I think you gave this guy way too much slack in making you insecure and feeling youre too soft and too sensitive. Thats not a right balance so you have to find out why you accepted that for so long. Are you afraid to be alone, are you afraid too look for someone who fully adores you. I think their are some answers for you for the future you and the realisation this relationship was never balanced. Good luck and you will make it. Youre smart

Ewa, thank you for your words!

Newbie,

I definitely agree with you. Looking back, I gave too much. I did miss red flags that I thought had to do with our cultural differences. I thought I was compromising and being a fair partner. I should’ve stayed true to myself. I struggled never knowing if I should compromise or if I should stand my ground on things. I’d always try to see things through his perspective and I’d do my best to reflect on what I was putting out there.

While I have no regret in how I love, I do realize I have attachment issues; I fear rejection and being alone. I’ve recently realized I have no issues setting boundaries with others except for when I’m in a relationship. These are all things that I will discuss with my therapist. I refuse to believe that there isn’t better out there. I have a lot of love to give, I’ve just given it to the wrong partner.

Addison,

I wanted to reply yesterday but I wasn’t in the right mindset to do so. My emotions are not white and black. I have moments (more often than not) when I feel like I’m managing. I started a new position at my job and it keeps me busy.

But then I also have moments where nothing makes sense and I have so many questions. I hate him so much but only because despite everything I still love him so much. But then I don’t know who I love. I’ve definitely broken down much more this week than I did last week. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t trust my own feelings and intuitions right now. I feel drained.

I suppose the answer to your question is that I don’t know how I’m holding up I just know that I have to.

Ss,

Thank you <3

This community has helped me in ways you ladies may never know.

I adore my friends but it feels overwhelming having them speculate all the things that could’ve happened. I know they love me and are just as blindsided as I am but I somehow feel like I’m trying to help them instead of them just listening.

So in not so many words but from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate every single one of you!