Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He did the slow fade and I haven't talked to him in
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mama.
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Tonya777
2 weeks…neither of us has reached out
A little background. I was dating a guy for about 5 months whom I’d made on a dating app. It’s the typical story. He pursued me and was great for the first 5 months and then he started doing the slow fade. I started to hear from him less and less. We went from talking about 4 or 5 times a week to maybe once or twice a week and that’s only because I was initiating everything.
The last two months of the relationship, I was the one initiating conversations, plans,etc. About 99% of the time. Prior to that, it was mutual. I’d say he was definitely the one initiating more overall. Especially when it came to making plans.
When he started to do the slow fading act I tried to increase my efforts and communication but that seemed to backfire. He never ignored me but would take longer to respond. A few times he’d take a day or so to reply. After about a month of that happening, I got fed up and decided not to contact him anymore. He ended up contacting me less than a week after not hearing from me.
He initiated contact maybe one time on his own after that and then I started to be the one initiating everything again.
I got tired of that and have gone into nc again. Our last conversation was about us meeting up.
I was going to be in his area for business purposes. I gave him one week notice but there were never concrete plans made between us. A day before I was going to be in his area, I messaged him again. I told him since I hadn’t heard from him, I made plans to meet up with a friend instead (which was true). He said he was going to have his kids that day and it’d be tough to meet up (sounds like an excuse but who knows).
When he told me that it would be tough to meet up that day, I just said “okay”. Then he texted me after and gave me exact dates in which he’d be free because his kids would be out of state visiting their grandparents.
I just told him I’d keep that in mind and he said “okay honey”. Haven’t talked to him since. What am I supposed to do with that anyway? He’s canceled plans once on me before in the past and that’s when he started his slow fading act soon after.
I figure he obviously lost interest and/or met someone else.
Anyway, why give me a range of dates in which he’d be free. What does he expect? For me to pick a date and then I’m sure he’ll come up with an excuse why he can’t meet up.
To be honest, we got along great. Good chemistry The only issue was that we live 2 hours apart. He always complained that he wished we lived closer.
Anyway, he’s definitely lost interest and I feel like he’s playing games sometimes. Why act like you want to meet up with me anymore if you really don’t. I don’t feel like following up and suggesting a date to meet up because I don’t want to feel stupid when he makes up an excuse why he can’t meet up.
I really did like him and enjoyed his company. I miss him. Two weeks is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking. I feel like I should move on but sometimes I also wonder if I should reach out or just let things be.
It’s been a tough two weeks to be honest. I’ve been so tempted to text/call him but I just don’t want to feel like I’m chasing him or putting in most of the effort.
I’m sick of that.
Zoe
When a man likes you, you know it. When you date next time, do not initiate. It doesn’t work, you already know
Tonya777
The distance was really our only issue. To be fair, in the past, he did make an effort to see me and make plans. He was the one who would always make the 2 hour drive to see me. Most of the time when he wanted to meet up, I just couldn’t. I was usually busy with work. As was he but he sometimes would ask me to take off or call out a few times to spend time with him but since I started a new job, I just couldn’t do it.
The weekends were difficult because either I’d be working or he’d have his kids sometimes on the weekend so it was hard to meet up then most of the time.
I feel like he maybe got tired of the distance and actually told me once that I needed to try to make an effort to come visit him sometimes too.
Looking back, there were times I could have made more of an effort to see him if I’m being honest with myself. Maybe I took him for granted and now he’s over it. There was a time he tried to see me almost every day over a period of 2 weeks and I turned him down each time because I was busy but I really could have tried harder to make some time for him.
What I don’t get is that the last time we were supposed to see eachother (we actually made set plans), he canceled the day before. I have also canceled last minute as well but he never canceled last minute on me.
Since the time he canceled though, he’s been distant and as I said, has had excuses the last two times I tried to meet up.
I’m just feeling conflicted.
I’m just tired of putting in most of the effort over these past two months. At least in the past, we both would initiate contact and text/call eachother. Now it’s just been me mainly these past two months. Sometimes when I’d message or call him, he was cold. Other times, he seemed very happy to talk to me and said he couldn’t wait to see me again.
I’m not sure if I should just continue nc, reach out to him or what.
I should add that when hhe started being cold and distant with me, I decided to start going on dates with other people because I’m sure he was doing the same.
I did meet one guy whom I thought was nice and I’ve been in contact with him for the past two months.
However, the chemistry and attraction just isn’t as strong for me with the new guy. No I haven’t slept with him. I just went out on a few dates and we talk over text a few times a week.
Tonya777
@Zoe…I agree and I’ve never initiated or chased a man ever.
With this particular guy, I let myself be more vulnerable. In the past, men have told me I was cold, distant and aloof. They all said they felt like I behaved like a guy in some ways.
I was tired of being told that I seemed like I had a “don’t care” attitude but maybe I’ll stick with that attitude afterall.
It prevented me from being too invested. I have always been able to pick myself up quickly after a relationship had ended (even with my ex husband) or even when a guy showed a lack of interest. I just moved on and thought if they weren’t interested anymore that was their problem and I’d move on.
This one was different.
I never, ever thought I’d be the one chasing a man. I’ve never done it before. I guess I really did like him.
Well…I’m still missing him and still hurt but I think I’m done.
Once a man shows he’s not interested or doesn’t value our relationship anymore, I’m just going to keep it moving like I always did in the past. I never believed in chasing a man before and I’m sticking to that from now on.
It’s not worth it.
Maddie
If you feel the need to chase a man, you probably have different intimacy needs than he does. That is not a dig at you, it can be because he’s unable to show up as a good partner to anyone, it can be he’s not that into you, it can be he’s not that into prioritizing relationships right now, there’s lots of reasons and most don’t even have anything to do with you. But for some people, nothing is more infatuating than trying to win over an unavailable person because there’s an intermittent reinforcement to it. Especially if the guy is running hot and cold. Sometimes you get rewarded and feel like you won something valuable, other times you have inexplicable anxiety from them being distant that you want to quiet, it can make you feel very attracted and attached to a guy who is wrong for you, until you’re all out chasing him.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, because this clearly hasn’t been working well since around that dreaded 3 month mark. But please don’t turn off and go aloof on the next guy or the guy after that just because this didn’t work out! The trick with opening up, being vulnerable, and investing is to make sure you do it with someone emotionally safe to do it with. If it feels off, like in this situation, then if you keep trying it’ll just reinforce negative feelings and fears you already have, and then you’ll be more likely to say, “see! This one guy proved all the bad things I’ve said to myself about men, better stay distant in the future to avoid feeling hurt.” But the next guy or the next isn’t this one and may be a better partner. So don’t give up and shut down just because this one is a dud. Give yourself a minute to get over it, but the best way to eventually find a guy who is open is to brush yourself off and stay open too — while holding good boundaries. That isn’t the same as being aloof to relationships or being closed off (that actually only attracts needy men!!), it just means not tolerating any nonsense. If nonsense starts happening and becomes consistent, like in this case, then it’s on to the next.
tammy
forget the past. luk at today and your recent efforts. and his. you have tried so much but hes not taking the bait. its very obvious that hes lost interest and is no longer putting in any efforts to talk to you or to meet you. you need to accept that its no longer working for him and move on.
Tonya777
Thank you for the advice.
Yes I realize that he isn’t interested anymore and hasn’t been for some time.
The only reason I kept going is because of mixed signals I was getting at times. When we’d talk, even though I would be the one to reach out most of the time during the last 2 months, he would often bring up seeing me and ask me to meet up and many times did act like he was happy to talk to me. He never ignored me or told me he didn’t want to be bothered but you have to go by someone’s actions and obviously he is not interested.
I have accepted it and I am moving on.
@Maddie, thanks so much for that advice. I definitely don’t want to become bitter and let this experience prevent me from opening up again in the future to someone that deserves it but it will be difficult. My walls are up again for sure.
In time, maybe I’ll be able to trust again and meet that special person but I don’t have any expectations as of now.
I only got back into the dating scene about a year ago. I’m still new to it after not having dated in some time. As I said, I was married (got married young) so this is new to me.
I forgot what it’s like to date to be honest. Not easy putting yourself out there. I think I’ll take a little break from dating for a while.
Erin
A case of wrong timing on both ends. You had numerous chances to build a relationship and get close but you were always busy and he got busy too when you were not busy. 2 hours is not too far really.
I think you were both not right for each other.
Tonya777
Maybe we are not right for eachother but he contacted me shortly after I posted this thread and we met up.
Everything went well. I do like him but I’m being cautious and refuse to initiate contact.
He’s been the one contacting me these past few days and we plan to see eachother again this weekend so let’s see how it goes.
T from NY
Be very very wary of engaging with a tepid man. What’s he doing now – contacting you? Maybe it didn’t work out with another woman? I personally would not let a guy waltz in and out of my life after dating steadily for three months, then two months of fading and crumbing off. If you choose to keep interacting – if he starts to get distant again – walk away! It means he associates with you when it’s convenient for him.
tammy
i agree with T from NY. maybe he was caught up with something in which case he should have told you. most likely he was pursuing another woman and when that didn’t work out, hes back to you. whatever the reason, you should be careful. and do not fall into the earlier habit of putting in all the efforts for the both of you. infact this time make him earn his way back into your life. dont give him a free pass and more importantly let him do all the initiating.
Sandra
Hi Tonya, something similar happened to me a few years back. To make a long story short we met on an app and things were great for 6 months although we never said we were exclusive. One day out of nowhere apparently he got lost and he had to go find himself. I figured that meant he had found someone else and so what could I do. I tried to move on. I deleted his number. 6 months later he apparently found himself and now he was back and wanted to see me again. I was overjoyed and we started seeing each other again. I figured things didn’t work out with the other woman. Another six months go by where things are great when he all of a sudden tells me he was seeing and sleeping with other women. I was devastated and it hurts so much more the second time.
I told him what I wanted, a serious relationship. we had never said we were exclusive and he practically begged me to continue seeing him but he said he was not ready for a commitment so I walked away. If after a year of knowing me he wasn’t ready he was never going to be ready. At least not with me.
So please just be cautious and if there ever comes a time when you want something serious do let him know.
mama
Tonya 777,
I was on my own after my divorce for years (by choice). When I finally started dating again, I went on a few dates and then I met someone very much like your guy. We had a fun 3 months or so. I wasn’t truly happy with him but thought I would try to make it work just because I’m that kind of person. Then one day he just didn’t show for our date.We had our closure but after all of that I realized I didn’t even really like the guy.
The only thing I read in all of this thread that you like about this guy is that you got along well and had great chemistry. So… easy to hang out and have good sex with?
Why do you even want this guy who is half-interested? And you aren’t even that interested in him either! You have your issues (as do we all) but I think you deserve more than trying to make this poop-cake show a michelin-starred dessert
Just my thoughts.
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