Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He didn't want a relationship but now he is back after I walked away
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by
sarah.
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sarah
In a nut shell we hung out over the summer, he went back to another town for school (5 hours away) and was very “busy.” So naturally I said buh bye, didn’t want to put my emotions and energy into someone who wasn’t on same wave length and he didn’t understand how I could stop talking to him, he wanted to be friends, hang out, keep in touch because we get along well. We didn’t speak for a few months until he just graduated and moved back to my town.
. Said he wasn’t sure where he was going to end up after college job wise so he didn’t want to start anything back then. Now he’s back and wants to meet up again. To be blunt I’m pretty damn apprehensive…I really liked him and it hurt a lot when he seemed more interested in hanging out then a relationship. How do I go about this? Im only interested if he is dead serious and shows it. Any advice? I still do like him but do not want to waste my time,
Lane
Hi Sarah.
The best way to approach this is to tell him what YOU WANT and anything less will be a waste of your time.
Women need to stop worrying about what the men want and stand up for what they want! Do you want a relationship? If so then just tell him, “I’m not looking for anything casual, and if that’s what your looking for then I don’t want to waste my time with you.”
Need to stick to your guns though—if you talk the talk, then you need to walk the walk. To be honest though this guy most likely isn’t even close to wanting to settle down and is just playing the field and sowing his oats. A man needs to have A PURPOSE and trust me, a relationship isn’t high on their list, its their career and work goals and until they achieve them to the point they’re ready to settle down, then they won’t go there.
Leigh
Sarah, Lane states what you need to do very well. Anything else would probably confuse you but I would follow her advice since you still like him. He likes you too since he came back so there is something there. The unfortunate thing is he might have to leave the area for a job anyway. He just graduated. So, if you 2 invest time in each other there is the possibility that he might have to leave. (from what you wrote. There are pieces I am not sure about that might change that but just saying)
Sarsh
No he moved back to my town from his school town. He is here to stay since he found a job
Lane
Sarah, sometimes a lady needs to suffer a few heartbreaks before they learn what they want or need in a future mate/partner. Some never learn and other do—its ultimately up to you but you need to fully own and take full responsibility for whatever outcome results from it. If you proceed and it doesn’t it work out, if anything try to learn from it because relationships are not easy, they require a lot of skills (communication), knowledge (conflict resolution, art of negotiation), and effort from both parties in order for it to work.
Maria
I think you are feeling the right way. You don’t want to waste your time, for sure. But I suggest take it a little more slow and gently. Meet a couple of times, do not come on to him very hard with your demands. See if there are still feelings first and then go from there. He after several months he still wants to meet with you, there is somethings there, and maybe something genuine. He had time to miss you and think about things. So proceed gently.
Sarah
Will do Maria, I guess I’m still pretty bitter about how things went before…how he wanted to hang out/keep in touch but was “too busy” and now he says he really wants me? What changed? You don’t touch a hot stove once burned
But I guess I have to not take it personally and hold it against him he was honest about where he stood
Jessica
Sarah,
The ladies have given good advice – and what Lane said to say is a good guide for what to say. You two ‘hung out’ over the summer, so it wasn’t serious. He probably wasn’t up for a relationship since he was finishing school – ‘busy’ was the guy’s way of trying not to hurt your feelings since he wasn’t sure where things were heading – now he’s had more time to think and likely thought about you and missed you.Communication is key here – it’s completely okay to be apprehensive and it’s also okay to tell him that (maybe he will better understand what happened before) – don’t blame him, just say how you feel – “I feel a little apprehensive because I think we were on different paths before….and I’m not sure if things have changed.” Ask him what he’s looking for. Say what you are looking for (like Lane said) or, to be more blunt – I’ve always worded it that “I am looking for true love and I really will not settle for anything less” – its a strong statement – depends on how bold you want to be. However you word it, the important thing is what you do….don’t waste your time if he’s still only up for ‘casual’, but if he tells you that he’s ready for a relationship, give him a chance to show you.
Hannah
Listen to the other ladies! The best way to handle this is to be totally upfront and accept nothing less than what you want.
I’ve been in your situation and I was also apprehensive. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I told him what I needed and he wanted the same but I did take some convincing. I was honest and hold him his actions had hurt me. It was the only way I could get past it and really forgive him. It also gave him a chance to explain where he’d been coming from, which helped me understand. I think it took a couple of months for us to get back together after he first came back. He had listened to all my concerns and really stepped up.
I think keeping a bit of apprehension and caution is a good thing until he’s reassured you you both want the sametthings.
sarah
Ook I was going to hold off on telling him what I want but I agree and think it is wise to be upfront to avoid any BS. Thanks you
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