He disappeared for one week, then asked to meet up.

Do you really want to have lunch with Houdini?

I completely disagree with Emma. He knows what he did. Presumably he’s taking you to lunch to explain himself. Saying “I haven’t heard from you in a week, what’s up with that?” isn’t a way to start. The ball is in his court right now; don’t take it into yours by starting off with a confrontation. Let him deal with the elephant in the room – his disappearance.

Be pleasant and be quiet and let him do the talking. Assuming he has a reasonable explanation for his disappearance, you can just say, OK please don’t do that to me again, it’s unacceptable and then you’ve set the boundary. If he does it again, decline to see him anymore.

If he makes no explanation then just say thanks for lunch and goodbye and then leave him be and mentally write him off. If he asks you out again, that’s the time to say, I’m not sure I want to see you again, you disappeared without explanation and I don’t care for men who do that. Then he can step up and explain to your satisfaction before you waste any more time of your time on him.

Men expect women to be angry, go off on them, etc. It really throws them for a loop and gets their attention when you don’t act like a typical female. You’re actually the one in control here without saying one word. I repeat, he knows what he did, let him be a man about it and address it. And if he doesn’t know that was uncool, you really don’t want him.

Also… be prepared he’s asked you to lunch to explain himself because he is formally ending things with you. He may have gotten back together with an ex, met someone else, has realized he’s too busy with work, whatever. Otherwise, he’d be asking you for dinner or another date activity. I could be wrong, but lunch is a bit strange for someone he’s been dating for three months.

I believe honest and straight forward communication is the simplest route for any confusion. Agree with the post that advised you to accept his lunch offer. Of course act pleasant because a woman of dignity knows when to share her feelings.

Try to enjoy yourself at the outing. Know that things will be resolved one way or another because YOU show people your boundaries and make decisions accordingly.

See if he brings up why he went MIA. He might be a man of good character and wants to end it. He may have been freaking out about how hes been feeling about you — whether or not he could commit to you further — so took the week to ponder. WHATEVER it is — if, by the very end of the meal, he hasn’t brought it up — you could simply tell him how you feel and ask for an explanation. Example “It was really great to see you today. I always feel really happy when we spend time together. So I was hoping you planned this lunch to help me understand why I didnt hear from you in over a week? It left me feeling confused. Do you feel comfortable clarifying where you’re at? Or what was up?” Then LISTEN.

Whatever he says should speak VOLUMES about where he’s at. Notice it was not the “what are we?” talk — just states your confusion and asking him to clear things up. He may OF COURSE think he’s on the hot seat about your relationship but that would either be his guilt or his eagerness to talk about it stepping in — which is good for you. If he gets defensive and tries to say his time is his own, he doesn’t want a relationship etc — then you can be sure he was seeing someone else, or at least talking to someone else during that time. Or he just is emotionally unavailable and would not be a good partner. Breaking it off would be totally appropriate.

But if he apologizes sufficiently for you and his explanation is acceptable I would just let him know —“Listen I like you a lot. But I’m not okay with a guy dipping in and out. If it happened again, it would probably really cause me to lose feelings and want to move on. I do so appreciate all the times you’ve been consistent with me. I’m just letting you know where I’m at with my feelings too.”

Lastly — if it’s been 3 months and he hasn’t locked you down, and he doesn’t lock you down at this lunch — I would not give it much more time. Maybe another 4-6 weeks then broach the convo in the same way. If he doesn’t make it official verbally then I would not give him anymore of your time.

Hi Gigi, that thing crossed my mind. So many things went inside my head when he asked me out to lunch instead of dinner. I honestly thought he would explain his disappearance and end things with me. But yesterday he said he missed me. I didn’t say “I miss you too” although I did miss him and wonder what happened.

Rhonda, no there was never the talk about us being exclusive. So I don’t want to confuse him more about where we are now. Probably I’ll give it a bit more time.

T from NY, thanks for your advice. Your examples are really what I need. I already accepted the lunch offer and I would like to see how he brings himself. This will determine what I’m going to do next. Do you think 3 months is too long for couples not to be exclusive just yet? I thought it’s acceptable in his case considering his job is time consuming at the moment. But then again, yes I know what you mean. Thank you.

Better Off Single, you’re right. I did appreciate he made time for me in his busy schedule. But I don’t want him to take me for granted or think that he’s some sort of grand prize that I need to win over. I do want to hear what he has to say.

Raven, that’s a funny one. Houdini? Haha.

Hi Emma. I confronted a guy I used to date once, he backed off completely saying that I was demanding. Either he’s a coward or I came off too strong, I never really found out. But that’s why I don’t want to confront this one, because I might get the same reaction. I would definitely not pretend like nothing happened, because ghosting me for a week was not okay. But I will listen first to what he brings to the table. Thanks for the good advice.

Tammy, yeah this was the first it happened. I wondered if he got hit by a meteor or eaten by a bear. Haha. I did say something like “whatever is going on in your life now, don’t forget to take care of yourself”. He said “I’m okay but thank you for your concern”. Well I guess, I will find out!

I’m the wrong person to answer this but my boyfriend and I don’t really care for texting so we text maybe 2/3 times a week!

Good luck hun, I would go to the lunch and see what he has to say. I highly doubt he would take you to lunch to end things seems weird to me. That’s something you do in private. People get busy!

how often were you hearing from him prior to this week? And how often were you seeing each other ?

Regarding lunch – could be anything… likely he’s catching up on a casual thing that he considers you two, or it’s simply convenient as a bit of maintenance for whatever is going on from his perspective, or he could be about to tell you it’s done or he might be just seeing how he feels and he’s dating others. I really doubt it’s any kind of let’s move this forward meeting as I’m pretty sure that would happen over a dinner date?

Ok summary of what happened:
Planned to meet for lunch on Friday. He couldn’t make it because the business meeting ran longer than expected plus he had another meeting after that. His schedule was pretty squeezed.

I was a bit upset and said: Now what should I expect from you? You can’t even commit to a quick lunch with me. To which he replied: I’m sorry it’s really unexpected. I really like you, it’s just today has been crazy. I promise I’ll give you any other day you want to make up for today.

So we agreed to meet next Tuesday. What confused me was: he said he likes me (that was actually the first time he said that and I was surprised as hell), he apologised then asked for second chance, which could mean he still wanted to get involved with me right? But this weekend he hasn’t contacted me at all. He hasn’t set a time for Tuesday either.

What should I do? Should I take his words “I like you”, seriously? I know that he’s generally busy with family on weekends. But you would want to text someone that you like, or someone that you have interest in, when you don’t see each other right? Should I keep my Tuesday free for him, say if there’s no confirmation until Monday night? Or is it cool to contact him first?

No offense but this makes no sense. If you haven’t seen one another for a week or two — why would Friday’s lunch be postponed until Tuesday? Why wouldn’t he be taking you out over the weekend? If he has children why wouldn’t he take you to dinner Sunday evening after his weekend with them? If he doesn’t have kids — did you mean his family as parents and siblings? Then he is not making you a priority.

It matters SO little that he said he “really likes” you if his actions are not matching up! A man who truly likes you ASKS to see you often as he can.

Please do not initiate or solidify any plans for Tuesday. I would be done at this point as he is clearly showing you he doesn’t see something long term with you. If he did, and he was just truly busy with work or something else, he would be sharing what’s going on in his life with you. I mean do you even know what his weekend plans are? I feel he is keeping you as a back up plan. Don’t be anyone’s back pocket girl.

But if you feel you have to follow through with the lunch date I sure as hell wouldn’t make any movement on arranging it. Let him come to you. No contact from you. And to answer your question — if a man is interested he would reach out more. If he’s the type that doesn’t — that obviously is not compatible with you and I don’t blame you. For me to stay interested I have to feel the man I’m dating is investing and building something with me. Set boundaries for yourself. Only allow yourself to be treated with respect and enthusiasm. That’s not what’s happening here.

Dear all,

He did suggest to meet on Sunday night at first, but I already got other plan. But apart from that, all the things you mentioned were probably true. I saw low investment from him. And at this point I’m definitely not his priority.

He always sees his family – parents and siblings – on Saturday so I can’t ask him to sacrifice this day for me, unless he wants to. But yes, he usually doesn’t share what his weekend plans are.

And yes, we already had sex since we’ve been seeing each other quite consistently. I know there’s no commitment yet between us, but do you think that’s the case? Because I had sex on the second date with my ex-boyfriend and we lasted for a year.

What’s the worst that could happen if I initiated the contact first about Tuesday? I want to meet him to determine what my next move should be. Because it’s not fair to be kept in the back burner and that’s what I want to clarify with him. A little too much too soon?

No grown man spend every weekend w parents and siblings… once a year maybe …

If he offers you Sunday night, you are the side dish…he saves his Saturday night for his main girl… simple

I agree with lisa. hes calling all the shots.

you said “What’s the worst that could happen if I initiated the contact first about Tuesday? I want to meet him to determine what my next move should be. Because it’s not fair to be kept in the back burner and that’s what I want to clarify with him. A little too much too soon?”

sex or not, his behaviour is not exactly showing hes that enthu about meeting u is he?? sad to say your very low on his to do list honey. if he has million other things to do, you have to show you too have other things to do in life. hes showing dodgy behaviour. you have to figure your next move in the event the tues plans dsn’t materialise bec hes pushed you off again. and chasing him for a discussion is not going to help you.

You may be missing him and the intimacy bit and so are every keen to meet. I get that. but it doesn’t really look that hes missing you that much. Could be that when we always fall in with their convenience, they tend to take us granted. pull up your socks and act the queen that you are. wth? if he doesn’t make plans for tues then you very well can do other things. please hun do not message him for finalising tues plans. let him make all the moves.