He doesn't pay on dates, is this a red flag?

I think you are asking the wrong question. Why are you allowing him to be intimate with you without him wooing you first? Don’t you deserve better?

There was another thread that this was talked about and it is really up to the individuals. Personally, I prefer a man who pays for the first several dates although I will offer to pay the tip. Usually that gets declined but is appreciated and shows that I’m not using him for a free meal.

Gender norms about paying for dates aside, it may signal to you information about his lifestyle and frugality. Some entrepreneurs and business owners invest everything in their business and are thrifty in other areas of their lives. So you may want to consider how much is related to that and if you’d be okay with that longer term.

But in general, you sound like there’s a couple aspects of this you’re not entirely comfortable with but convincing yourself to go along with it because you think since you’re inexperienced that maybe you just don’t know any better. Trust yourself and your gut. Early dating is to observe the partner, assess compatibility, decide if you like what you see enough to continue seeing them another time (and then another and another). Don’t ignore it if something makes you uncomfortable. Decide if it’s you being stretched out of your comfort zone in a way you wish to grow, or if it’s due to you feeling bad vibes that you shouldn’t ignore. I agree it’s too early to be introduced to his friends in any formal dating type of way.

This is my continuation on my reply. Your story is eerily similar to mine. On third day we become intimate and we kissed inside my car. He doesnt pay on dates and he never will. If you dont like this kindnof gesture then i suggest you have to ask urself if its worth it in the future. I date him and prolong the relationship bcus i thought he will change but i was wrong he nvr did. He also lied saying he stupdird psychology but he diDNT

Here’s the thing. You don’t know this guy. You don’t know if he’s a f**kboy or not. Lust and infatuation make you feel as if you know a person when you really don’t. Also, it’s totally normal to feel lust and infatuation when you’re attracted to someone! Of course it felt good when you were getting physical– you’re human. The key is not letting all of that cloud your head.

“I also feel that I have a stranger next to me. I want to know more about him but he claims that observation is better than conversation.”
This is a major red flag in my book. A guy who wants to form an emotional bond with you will spend time doing that– talking, making you feel comfortable knowing him, and making an effort to emotionally connect. He would not blow off your wish to know him better by emphasizing the physical.

“I have this feeling that we are already boyfriend/girlfriend even if we barely know each other”.
This is your infatuation clouding your head. You are not boyfriend/girlfriend. You have not had a conversation about exclusivity or defining the relationship, right? Not to mention, 3 dates in is too soon for something like that. You should date awhile and get to know the person before you define the relationship. And never assume you’re someone’s girlfriend– you have to have an open conversation and clarify something like that.

Again, it’s normal to FEEL a lot of things when you are attracted to someone. But you can’t let the feelings cloud your judgement. You’re making a lot of assumptions about this guy when by your own admission, you barely know him.

I think it’s totally healthy that you’re questioning your feelings because you KNOW something is off. Your mind is questioning it because your brain knows you’re confusing lust with intimacy. Maddie’s advice about trusting your gut is spot on. If you feel something is off, it’s because something most likely is.

I’m not saying this guy is a bad person, but it sounds like you want to get to know him better and develop a relationship, while he’s emphasizing the physical chemistry you have. You’re not comfortable with that, or you wouldn’t be posting here.

i am not sure if conversations about why he wont pay after just 3 dates should be initiated so soon. shouldn’t those things happen naturally? of his own volition and not on woman’s prompt? my issue is not really about the fact that he doesn’t want to pay for you so soon, but the fact that he wanted to split for just 15 dollars! that sounds a little cheap to me. and the fact that he met you 2/3 times post that 8 dollar split rings alarming bells. he liked you on the first date but still split the bill to take 8 dollars from you. something seems amiss to me. and well he is doing his best to get you into bed. just trying to let you set the pace. you also seem to have apprehensions. so please take your time and be sure before you sleep with him. and please slow things a bit.

HUGE UPDATE!!!

Things went even worse than I could possibly imagine! Grab some popcorn and read along. We met again yesterday. Date no 5. We order two coffees and the total bill was 7 dollars! When the waiter came and asked how we wish to pay, he said that we would split. So, I interrupted him and told him that it would be my treat! Instead of at least thanking me, he told the waiter -jokingly, but wasn’t funny for me- that I do that because I expect him to pay next time! I was in SHOCK girls! What a moron to insult me in such a way in front of the waiter! I defended myself telling him that I pay because I want to, not because I expect the same from him! Anyway, he told me that he used to pay on first dates in the past but girls took advantage of him…However, he doesn’t think I am that kind of girl -yet he still doesn’t pay. Long story short, after this humiliation on his behalf, I decided to bid him farewell! Some men need to learn some manners and not behave like he did…Bye bye cheap boy!

Now before telling me that I shouldn’t have paid, let me tell you that it was indeed a kind of test to check his reaction and the results were priceless!

Thanks for coming back with the update! I didn’t think it was bad you paid. I actually think, finding out the guy’s reaction aside, it was the right thing to do over such a small amount to be nice to the waiter. This guy sounds like he’s resentful and holds grudges and takes them out on other people. Good job finally listening to your instinct and kicking him to the curb!

Hi late to the party here but im an older lady and have several dating, relationships and even been married scenarios so I do feel my knowledge is relevant.
What I have noticed in amongst my different scenarios is cheap guys suck. I mean really suck. What a relationship is in my opinion is about is 2 people bringing love and respect to the table. If a douchey guy cant even bring himself to pay for a stupid 3 dollar coffee for you then dont be expecting him to bring basically anything to the table. Kindness is key in life. No relationship works out with a stingy guy. Stingy with money, stingy with time, stingy in bed, stingy with everything believe me. The best guys I have ever had have been generous types, cuddly, warm, fun, interesting, making that effort, buying you that coffee or dinner because you are his lady and he wants to look after his lady, its all water flowing from the same fountain. So please ladies dont be fooled by the cheap guy that seems nice. His cheapness will become apparent in every single aspect of your relationship in time and you will end up actually hating him. Good luck. I have dated unemployed guys to millionaires and have seen it all some of it pretty some of it not so much lol. x

i had pointed out precisely this thing in my earlier post. but it seems this guy has now gone even lower. lol. he cant even pay for a coffee. what? and his thought process? gosh that sucks even more. he actually called out on the fact that your paying for the coffee in expectation that he pays next for a bigger tab! eeeeew. i would have simply walked out at that point after the payment was done.

*A guy who is that ungenerous to a woman he is dating and supposedly trying to court and impress, is a guy who will be stingy and lack generosity all around*

Completely agree. In fact, I would extend this to people in general. I’ve always found those who are mean/stingy with money are like this in other areas of their lives as well. A guy who wouldn’t pay something as small as a coffee bill-a huge red flag.