Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › He doesn't want relationship but keeps pursuing
- This topic has 24 replies and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by
Algo.
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Andrea
A simple question for anyone out there. Advice would be much appreciated. Now this man has never said he doesn’t want a relationship but he also never says he does. I have made it clear from the beginning that I am not a serial dater and I am looking for a long term relationship. I throw the cards out right away that way I figure they will run if that is not what they are looking for. So my question is, with him knowing how I feel right from the beginning, why on earth would he keep pursuing me? what the heck is the point when I can tell he doesn’t want any strings?
Jules
Men will not stop pursing you just because your goals in dating don’t align.
Couldn’t you also make the argument, which I’m sure he is thinking “well she knows I don’t want a relationship so if she keeps accepting my advances she must be cool with NSA”
A lot of guys think and are successful at getting women to breakdown and give them sex or whatever noncommittal arrangement they are looking for. And its perfect for them because if you call them out on their non-commitment they can say “well I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t looking for a relationship”.
If this guy isn’t going to give you what you want, stop seeing him. Simple as that. You have as much control in this situation as he does.
Andrea
All could points Jules but I can’t call him out on something he never said. And I actually have said things to him several times and he’ll tell me that he never said that.
Lagirl
What has he said about what he wants? Did he avoid the question together?
Andrea
Lagirl He said early on that he was looking for a relationship and that he wants to find someone who loves him the way he is. Whatever that means. But he doesnt talk much about himself and whenever I accuse him of not looking for anything serious he disappears for a few days.
Lane
Hi Andrea.
He’s a time waster so I would stop wasting your time on him. A man who is looking for a relationship with you will be CLEAR as day about his intentions! When a man is being vague or won’t answer questions then how do you a relationship with him would go well if he runs away? There are guys out there who have no problem being open, honest and communicative :-)
Andrea
So I guess the guy who doesnt know how to communicate is essentially screwed. lol
Rose
Men also pursue sex, and If you ever show even just a little that you would settle for it they know they have a chance.
Lagirl
Andrea
It’s funny but men can communicate when they want to.. As can women. We don’t have to be poets, etc. but a man will tell you in plain words if you are what he wants.Women ignore this and make excuses, look for holes and accept less than what they want hoping and waiting… Explaining off why a man is emotionally unavailable, I agree with Lane.
I have been in committed relationships with very articulate and not so… But the fact is, they will let you know without prompting.
Lagirl
He may be on be on the fence… How long have you been dating?
Andrea
On and off for 6 months and I have dated other guys in between and told him that I have.
Lagirl
Eh… After 3 months a man knows if he wants you… 6 months? And if he knows your dating others? Then he isn’t wanting to lock this down. Do you have sex with him?
Sherri
Andrea u r just a filler upper to him nothing else!
Andrea
No I have not had sex with him. Messed around a little but not sex. I got the impression he has a problem in that area if you know what I mean. Things were not coming “up”
Sherri
Then y r u wasting ur time with him?
Andrea
So I should just blow him off because he may have a sexual problem? What kind of person would that make me then?
Sherri
1) u r on n off. This very rarely works if u r looking for a relationship.
2) his behavior doesn’t seem like a man who is interested. He seems more like a time waster
3) he has sexual issues
All 3 reasons should be enough to leave him if u value urself more. Y stay with this guy I ask u again?Lane
Then stay with him Andrea if he makes you so happy. Would I leave a non-communicative man who has sexual issues—YES. Why? Because I don’t have the time or energy to waste it on a man who doesn’t want to fix them so a relationship can properly grow. I think your a codependent as you cling onto bad situations for too long.
redcurleysue
Hi Andrea,
If he were serious he would lock you down. It is simple.
If you want a relationship this is not the guy.
Amy S
hi. Men are not complicated, relationships are not complicated. A man may or may state what he wants some are more communicative and direct in this department. What you do find universally that means a guy is interested is you get lots of communication and he asks you out on dates regularly. He shows he is interested by his actions, every time. If you don’t get this from a guy then hes messing aboutfor whatever reason. Different reasons why they are messing about but that’s his issue and not yours to spend time or energy on wondering why. If the guy isn’t coming up with the goods then you can stay around hoping to turn a sows ear into a silk purse or you can bail and go after what you want / need from a guy that does have it to offer. Good luck. x
Croix
Is anyone still reading this ? Hope so :) here’s my question: what do you do with a male best friend who has flirted for 5 years, tells you he wants to sleep with you, makes or with you , but never goes any farther than that? He has a GF in college 5 states away and has said he just can’t fight the feelings with me. We are very close obviously . I figured if he only wanted me for sex, he would have made that next step wayyyyyy before now. Am I blind in thinking that he really does value his relationship with his GF and friendship with me? I want him to be happy and do not want to cause a breakup. But I also don’t want to lose him as a friend.
peggy
Croix-He has a girlfriend and is not interested in being more than friends. He maybe would take sex,but he has not pushed it and you don’t seem to have offered it (and you should not)-so I think he enjoys the friendship and an ego boost of harmless flirtation.
SthrnBelle
Andrea so he first said that he wants a relationship but his actions and words do not align. Also he said he wants a relationship with someone who accepts him the way he is. Well, guess what, we all do, that is no news, to a certain point but we all must know that we need to compromise (Not sacrifice). Maybe he means that he wants to have someone who will just take everything from him? I don´t think so when it concerns me. Worst news is the guy has done this for six months, a man who falls for you will want a relationship with you pretty much from the beginning but not more than after two or three months. You are wasting your time here like everyone else has said.
Croix
@Peggy thank you for replying! I sometimes wonder if he disappears and flakes on me because he has a tough time being around me. You can see him get antsy — I recently lost a lot of weight and he obviously is proud of me, but he has noticed the much improved hourglass figure. It’s sad but at times I almost get upset that he doesn’t have as much time for me now. He’s not happy with the girl he is with and is just settling to keep his family happy. That’s a whole other story. Sigh. I guess I need to just step back and let him text me and roll with it. I’m used to him being available for a sudden trip to Home Depot on a Sunday, or catching a football game at the bar… change. Gotta roll with it :(
Algo
“So I guess the guy who doesnt know how to communicate is essentially screwed. lol”
Yes. This is what we Tell women here as well. If you haven’t learnt to communicate your needs and wants properly, you are not ready for a committed relationship and you should work on yourself before you date.
So yes, he is screwed. He should not date until he learned to communicate. Then he Will be able to communicate with a woman he wants a relationship with. If he cannot say he wants a relationship out and openly, he probably isn’t ready or he needs to learn to express himself.
Your Guy does not seem to interested in a committed relationship right now.
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