Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He doesn't want to rush things?
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Teresa PR.
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Brynn
I met a guy several months ago who I clicked with pretty quickly. We spent a little time together and talked a lot, but ultimately took some space for about two months as life got in the way and honestly, I met someone else who I dated for those two months. In late September, he contacted me again and asked if we could talk about dating again. I was single and I was comfortable moving forward. I kept him at arm’s length a little more this time as I was not wanting to get hurt. We talked slowly in the beginning. I couldn’t get those same feelings back that I had had when we very first met, so I did not put much emphasis on talking to him. A couple of weeks into October, he asked if I would want to go out with him again, and I told him that I did not feel like I could continue talking to him or seeing him with how things were different. His response was, “If I make more of an effort and we spent more time together, could we please start over and see what could happen?” I agreed, as I still did like him. We talked more often and started spending time together on a more regular basis. He did increase the amount of time and energy that he spent on us. He asked me, “Do you want to keep seeing other people or do you want to be exclusive?” Instead of answering, which I know was childish, I responded, “Why don’t you tell me what you want first?” I think it annoyed him. He basically said if I cannot give him a straight answer that we won’t discuss it quite yet. I assumed that meant that he wanted to talk to other girls and not be exclusive. (You see a lot of assuming going on here. I know I am very guilty of this.) Okay so fast forward to this last week. We decided to spend some time together earlier this week, and it turned into both of us wanting to spend the next couple of days together. We went out and did things, grocery shopped together, baked together, made dinner together, he asked me to go and help him find something to wear to a job interview that he has, we napped together…in general it was really nice time spent. We had fun and laughed and didn’t stay glued to our phone the entire time. Right before he left yesterday he said something to me which really annoyed me. I honestly cannot recall what it was exactly. I got kind of teary eyed and sat up from our cuddling position. He repeatedly asked me what was wrong. Finally, once I had regained my composure, I said, “Look. I really have enjoyed these last couple of days. I wish it was like this more often. I am not trying to pressure you but I want you to know that this will never be ‘casual’ for me.” He was quiet for a minute and he responded, “I like a lot about you, and I have yet to find something I don’t like. You are drama free and I can talk to you, and you don’t give me tons of shit like other people have done. I do not talk to other people and I have no intention of this being a hook-up or casual thing. With that being said, I want to spend more time with you. I want to do more together. I don’t want to rush into a relationship before we spend more time together. We have been talking for a long time, but we have not been talking consistently ‘good’ for that whole time. I know that is not what you want to hear but it is honest.” I actually felt good about what he said. I told him it was not my intention to rush into anything either, but I needed to know if this was casual or if there was the possibility of more coming from it.
My general question is: is he telling me this to appease me, or is he telling me this because he means it? It is acceptable to me that he is not wanting to rush things. I am not ready to commit either. But I definitely don’t want to waste my time if this is a kind way of blowing me off. We do things together and he really talks to me about things he does not talk to other people about. He shares things with me and talks to me just to talk. We have had sex tons of times, but that is certainly not the emphasis of the time that we spend together. Help me figure out what is really going on?
Hannah
It sounds to me like he’s being honest and up-front with you. Obvisously, we can’t read his mind, but what he said seems geniune and thought out.
Khadija
I’m not sure what else you want from this guy. He has been open and honest with you about where things are going.
I think you are the one that needs to figure out what you want. In the future when he asks you what you are thinking about things don’t say you go first and not give him an answer.
This one is simple to me either you believe what he is telling you or you don’t.Mae
I’m kind of confused about what you want the outcome to be, to be quite honest? You’ve mentioned you no longer have the same feelings for him? Did he do anything to hurt you in the beginning, or was it simply that life got in the way? You don’t elaborate, so it’s hard to judge without context. But here’s the deal:
Both of you are trying to protect yourselves. He asked you a direct question; you’ve admittedly skirted around it. He wanted you to tell him what you wanted at that moment; you didn’t because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Yet when you’re cuddling on the couch, you practically begged him to ask you what was wrong. Your response was that you couldn’t do the casual thing; a departure from your previous reaction to his question. He’s confused, so in his response, he was as straight-up and noble with you as possible. I think he senses your wishy-washiness or inability to be direct, and that’s why he threw in the comment about not wanting to jump into a relationship right away. He has a right to protect himself, too.
But based on his wording, I think it’s headed in the relationship direction. He seems genuine and sensible, and not wanting to disturb the natural progression of things. I see no problems or hidden meaning here.
Brynn
Okay, so I did forget to add that the feelings have been building in these past few weeks.
I think a lot of this is on me to be honest. I think that I do try to protect myself too much so I avoid direct questions. I admit that. After our talk last night I felt like he was very honest and open because I was able to be honest and open. My general question was: Did what he said sound like he is open to a relationship and wants to work towards that, or is he trying to blow me off yet keep me on a string.
I do think I feel more comfortable knowing what he wants more now. And in fact, he just texted me to see if we can get together for dinner soon, maybe this weekend.
Mae
If he was trying to keep you on a string, he would not have even thought about questioning any aspect of the relationship. He either would have told you upfront he wasn’t looking for a relationship, or nothing at all.
It’s not a matter of blame, but it’s good to be aware of your role in this too.
Brynn
So you think that if he were just trying to string me along or use me for sex, he would use that “I am not looking for a relationship” line? I feel like we would not go out and do things and go to dinner and shop and spends days on end together either. But I did get a wake up call I think when he said to me that I never open up and tell him things. I admit I am in self-defense mode after my divorce.
Hannah
It sounds to me that he’d like to work towards a relationship. He told you he didn’t want a casual thing and nothing you’ve said make me think he’s stringing you along.
I know this is difficult, but in order to really get to know someone and get close to them, you have to open yourself up and be a little bit vulnerable. As you can see from being more open with him when you talked, you now have a better understanding of where you both stand.
Brynn
I wish I was not so worried about getting hurt. I know that it has made me push some really great guys away. But, if there is ONE guy who I do not want to push away, it is him. He makes me feel like anything is possible and we get along soooo well. And he has qualities which I have never found in a guy before and I want him to be mine some day.
Mae
How long ago was your divorce? Are you sure you’ve given yourself enough time to heal?
kaye
To me it sounds like things are moving in the right direction. He came back, you started dating again, he said he would put more time and effort into making it work this time and it sounds like he’s kept that promise.
But next time a guy says “Do you want to keep seeing other people or do you want to be exclusive?” do you really think he would even bring that up if he wasn’t leaning to exclusivity? It would make no sense for him to even bring up that conversation if that isn’t what he wanted!!
So he’s agreed this isn’t casual, he seems sincere, so I would give it some time and go slowly and see how it goes. My ex and I did the same when we got back together because we wanted to make sure it was going to work and not rush into it. Good luck!
Hannah
Why don’t you otell him how you feel? It doesn’t have to be in a big way, but you could explain that you have felt quite guarded with men since your divorce and it way take time for you to open up more with him? I’m sure he’ll understand. Acknowledging a problem can be really helpful as it shows him that you are aware of it and it’s temporary (you”re not always a closed-off person). It will also help him understand you more and will help to address his criticism that you don’t talk to him.
Brynn
We ended things about two and a half years ago and our divorce was final a year and a half ago. I do not feel pain about the divorce any more, but in general it has made me more guarded. My husband ripped my heart out. I knew he was having an affair with my friend but it took me six months to prove it. And I found the evidence when he whisked her away for a vacation and they shut their phones off and disappeared. I mean it was a drama…we thought they were legitimately missing and not even their parents could find them. After they got home it was over officially. I moved out and he moved her in shortly thereafter. I went to therapy and got over it. I wish them both the best. But it has most definitely made me guarded.
Mae
I’m sorry you had to experience such betrayal. But you’re on the right path. When the time is right, it may be a good idea for you to be completely open with him about what happened in your past if you haven’t already. Our past shapes us, but doesn’t define us. At the very least, he’ll have a more solid understanding of you. And who knows, maybe he’ll volunteer information about himself as well. Communication is powerful.
Brynn
Okay so here is more. We are different in age. He is 23 years old and I am 26. It is not a huge difference in age but given we are both in our twenties, it is most definitely noticeable at different times. I will not tell a lie, he is an attractive, tall, manly jock. He is very talented in sports and I feel like he feels that he has an image to maintain. This has made me think at different times that he will never be vulnerable. But…when I think back I can see times where he really has opened up to me. He calls me to talk about worries and concerns, he has really opened up about the unexpected death of his father, he talks my ear off about his passions. But, he is not embarrassed to hold my purse in public or go out to places where his friends might see him with a girl. etc. IDK. We were at dinner the other night and someone came up and said, “Whoa man you have a super hot date!” Referencing me…and he kind of blushed like he was uncomfortable. He has asked me more than once to stick around and be patient and give us time to grow our feelings. I think that he may have been hurt in the past and is guarded.
Mae
Again, it sounds like his intentions are good. While “jocks” have never been my type (nothing against them, I could just care less about sports/gym, and poetry/hiking is my life), I wouldn’t doubt his sweetness and authenticity. What I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t worry about him trying to maintain said image.
Question though. When you say:
“He has asked me more than once to stick around and be patient and give us time to grow our feelings…”
How did that come about? Have you actually brought up the subject several times? If so, I suggest stopping. If not, then it’s noble of him to keep you updated on where his head’s at.
Brynn
I have not brought it up a lot. He knows that he is busy and does not always have an abundance of time to devote to me. So often he will just say it out of the blue.
Maria
I think he is being genuine and things are all well.
Talk less about your relationship and status, focus on having a good time, quality time together, and getting to know him as a person. Stop thinking if he wants it, keep questioning if YOU want it, if he is the right guy for you. Otherwise, you might start walking on eggshells. Don’t. Take it easy, all is well, in my view.
Sun
Like you, I am always guarded but not like the way you are. I am a very open person but I do take people’s words with a grain of salt and only give them credibility for what they do at the moment and forward. Like I told my BF, I do not run a rewards program. There are no points/credits to redeem to offset bad behavior. But I am a delight and open to be with and I think that is the ultimate ingredient. Whether you’re guarded or not, you will still get hurt no matter what. Maybe less hurt but it’s still going to happen. So, why not enjoy and be open to having fun and getting to know him and show your vulnerable side in a non-needy drama-free way? My BF knows and tells me I’m guarded but the reason why he’s so open with his emotions to me is because I’m responsive to his love and affection but yes, my guard is up but it doesn’t mean I can’t be loving and affectionate, sweet and very comfortable with PDA. So, just enjoy yourself and take those two things he said he likes a lot about you, 1) drama free, and 2) he feels safe with you to talk about things he doesn’t talk about other people….I would use that as a foundation to build and develop the relationship so it can move forward to the level you want. This is not going to happen if you’re going to wear your armor and raise your shield everytime you feel you getting too close and you don’t want to get hurt. You can keep the armor off and shield down but doesn’t mean you have to use them on him.
Teresa PR
I started to see a guy that I have known for 20+ years the time for us to get together hasn’t been right. He have had a lot of baby drama with a woman he had a one night stand with and I with my ex. We get along great and talk about almost everything. We talk on the phone almost every night. He has asked to see me and start hanging out together but didn’t want to rush thing and let nature run its course to see if it comes to something.
After several weeks I told him I was not looking for a casual or a hook up relationship that was not my intention but that I enjoyed him and loved spending time with him and wanted to get to know us better but wanted to know if this was casual relationship or maybe a potential of something else in near future. He told me he thank me for opening up to him and letting him know how I felt but I am a little frustrated that he hasn’t answer my question. Should I just give up on him since he hasn’t mentioned it and move on. Or should I give him time for his response cause I don’t want to waste any more of my time if this is going nowhere. On top of it all he been having trouble having intimacy with me but it havent happen but he says he wants too. I told him he needed to see the doctor found out he has low testerone. He has been feeling frustrated that he cannot perform and I have not pushed it either since it is a medical problem. I want to show him I am understanding of the situation. I dont want to push him either of making a decision. Please help and show me a light down this dark tunnel or I should move on. What should I do? -
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