He feels a disconnect. Suddenly pulls away?

One thing I’ll say about him is at least he’s telling you what he’s thinking instead of just ghosting.

I get the feeling he’s projecting his own reservations onto you. When he says he doesn’t think you’re comfortable when that’s not how you are is an example of this in my opinion.

When things have progressed or about to progress, that is when things get weird on his end, so it seems he may be emotionally unavailable?

For example he acted less enthusiastic approaching your visit instead of acting the same or more excited.

It’s not you at all so don’t say anymore of the stuff you have been saying about if he’s gotten the wrong impression that’s not how you feel. This is kind of like “convincing mode” which won’t work in your favor. You’ve done nothing wrong – he’s the one who is being weird & he is projecting onto you.

If he wants to end it, I believe he is having issues of some kind & it has nothing to do with you whatsoever so don’t let him make you feel like it’s you.

Sometimes guys will have something going on with them & think the root of it is their relationship so they blame it on the woman when really it’s something else in their life (like their occupation) or issues they have but they’re not self-aware enough to be in touch with these feelings so they act like it’s you.

I’d just give him extra space & see what happens

I would pull back and give him some room to miss or not miss you.

Agree you went into ‘convincing mode’ and that is not a good spot to be because you are dismissing his feelings when you do that and only considering your own wants/needs. Its best to try active listening in these situations, such as “I hear you say (acknowledge his feelings) you feel there’s a disconnect. Can you pinpoint or explain what it was or is that makes you feel this way?” then give him the opportunity to explain it. Instead you dismissed his feelings and tried to find reasons (like his ex) that may have been far from the truth.

A lot of us go through this internal battles and when a shift occurs the best thing to do is to allow the person to process it and reconcile it on their own. If they feel dismissed, they are less likely to trust or talk to you about feelings or issues as they occur.

Give him some space and see if he steps in and fills it again…that really is your best move at this point as he KNOWS you want to continue to see him so there’s nothing you can do or say at this point to make him feel or think differently. Its a tough spot to be in but its best to know now where he’s really at than months or years down the road like so many ladies posting on this forum have gone through.

Thanks Ashley, I will try!

It feels so counter intuitive. Like by my not reaching out it shows that I’m not interested but I will follow the “rules” this time.

Hannah-
Thank you. If I were to text him it would be something like:

Good morning. Reflecting on our conversation Sunday. I Am feeling some confusion from you which is fine but I’m going to take some space.

It’s something I saw on YouTube about when men pull away that gives the woman her power back

Okay. Logically it makes perfect sense. Learning to lead with my head and not my heart here. Thanks for your advice, Sam.

Ashley, thanks I hear what you’re saying.

I also wanted to mention that he’s incredibly passive. Has described himself that way from the beginning. He also said he hates confrontation but I find that in our relationship he has grown and has become less passive. Taken initiative but in his slow pace. He has shown up time and time again for me. I guess when you really want something you go for it. Maybe this is what is happening now. Maybe not. In the meantime I am trying to find balance again. Beginning stages of love can be so heady. If he can take initiative in the past perhaps he doesn’t need my help in moving things along and you are all right in saying continue to leave him alone.

How much time do I give him? As his girlfriend and not just someone he was seeing, after how long, if he doesn’t reach out, do I wait a certain time until I reach out to him?

If it all goes south isn’t there some type of conversation and understanding and parting of ways?

All such good advice — Ashley and Sam!! SPACE is the hardest thing to give and THE most crucial. He is weighing things in his heart and mind and to move forward in a healthy direction he has to feel HE made the decision with little to no input from you.

I would add — this is YOUR time to think about what YOU want. This man is showing you who he is. Is this what you want for your future? He is showing you that he gets the jitters when things get too close — even for things he suggested. He is showing you that he is somewhat changeful… In one day (planning future vacations) Out the next (saying maybe you are “too different”)

Maybe he’ll come around. And although I think its smart to give him this type of wide berth at this stage — my concern would be — is this potentially how he deals with all difficult or stressful decisions in his life.

We ladies who have dated and given our hearts to this type of man would probably be bowing out gracefully at this point. Im not saying that is what you should do at all. But I would not accept waiting too long. Best of luck

I would be bowing out. This is enough time for a man to know he is, or isn’t falling in love.

I think that is what he is trying to tell you. There have been several posts lately where the guy wasn’t feeling it, but thought the girl was great…and tried to convince himself.

If you have to convince yourself to love someone, sorry, it’s not going to happen.

I agree with Ashley, he was trying to passively make his point..so YOU would end it.

I’d give him ALL the space he wants. Because I’d be single again.

While none of us know what he is thinking, we can tell you his actions are not encouraging. I think he’s got one foot out the door and the other following.

I don’t think you should contact him. You need to stick to no contact.

You keep trying to come up with excuses in your head to reach out. He’s the one who said he wanted space and distance…he’s simple minded if he does not know then that HE should be the one to reach out if that changes.

He knows when your birthday is. He knows about your birthday bash. He knows it is important to you. You are placing too much importance on whether or not he shows up. Concentrate on the fact that your friends are there and will always be there for you and the people who love you and matter are there celebrating with you.

Don’t call him. You’re going crazy wondering if he’s going to show. (I’m thinking no, he won’t, btw, but maybe he will prove me wrong). I would just assume he is not going and proceed from there, put it out of your head as an expectation. If you call him and he gives you some lame excuses about why he can’t attend, that will devastate you and ruin it for you. So don’t have the expectation of him going. Just assume he’s not and deal with that. SO if he doesn’t show up, no big deal. If he does, it will be a happy surprise.

If he doesn’t even bother to call you to say happy birthday after you’ve given him space, or if he doesn’t come to your party without telling you he can’t make it, that will unfortunately be your answer. At that point you will know that whatever is going on with him has a priority over you and the things that are important to you. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem like he has any life-changing situations going on (an illness/death in the family, major job change, etc) that are things that can and in many cases should pull his entire focus. Yes he hates work, but imho a relationship should be a welcome distraction from that stress (it is for me, anyway, though everyone is different).

Unless he comes around in a big way with a serious, heartfelt apology and a real change in action, I wouldn’t bother with him anymore. He doesn’t know what he wants and is allowing you to sit in limbo in the meantime.