He feels a disconnect. Suddenly pulls away?

After our conversation in his car on Sunday, I did remind him of Saturday. I said I’d hope after a conversation like the one we had that I’d see him this week and he said definitely and to let him know when I got home. I did. Monday we texted a bit. Monday night he called. I was in a deep sleep and said “good morning” when I answered the phone and he asked if I was delirious and told me to go back to sleep. He sounded agitated but said he’d talk to me tomorrow. Something like that I feel he’d usually laugh at. I texted him Tuesday morning to apologize for my incoherentness. He said it was okay and reminded him I had a concert, the one I invited him to that he couldn’t go to. He didn’t call Tuesday night, which is not odd because he won’t call when he knows I have an outing but he also did tell me to have a great time or make sure I got home okay, which would have been normal.

He never said he needed space but him not initiating contact or keeping the conversation going has shown that he needs space. We haven’t officially broken up, rather left our conversation on Sunday on a positive enough note that I’d think there’d be a coming around of sorts or enough balls from him to say be free, do your thing. Guess it boils down to me wanting clarity and closure instead of an open wound.

I don’t know how a man and woman can put so much effort into seeing each other and talking almost everyday about everything and anything, him writing a Valentine’s Day card to me saying how grateful he is to have met me and how he is looking forward to our future to a week later doing a complete 180. That’s where my mind torture is coming from.

Geez how do you ladies deal without closure or holding people accountable for treating you crappy. Ultimately it’s his loss he doesn’t show and I will probably still say what I need but yeah, how do you deal with open ended what the F happened?

I think many of us that are in a good place deal with it by knowing we deserve better.

We don’t allow a man to keep us on a string. We don’t “wait”.

If a guy isn’t “all in”, he’s out. Knowing and understanding your unique value and worth (quiet confidence, not arrogance) means we don’t wait for someone to “decide” after they’ve been dating us for several months (and we’ve been our wonderful patient selves) if this is going anywhere.

We decide they may just be wasting our time, and deal with it accordingly.

I can guarantee NO ONE loses when we set a boundary and walk away. It means we a)open the door for the right guy to walk through, when we leave the wrong one behind, and b)if this guy is confused and realizes what he’s losing, he will step up ALL THE WAY to try to win you back.

But don’t ever take a guy like that back without him putting in real sincere effort.

Every one of my exes has come back. I’ve only resurrected ONE relationship, and you better believe I didn’t do it lightly.

We get our own closure by knowing we deserve someone who will love and care for us the way we do them, and anything else is unacceptable.

It hurts for a little while, but space and perspective will provide clarity you don’t have when you are so emotionally invested (in the middle of all the feelings) and you will be glad you stood up for yourself and your best interests.

It’s even gotten to the point where instead of listening to his reasoning (that he feels a disconnect and that we are too different) Im now overthinking all sorts of things like maybe he just needs validation….maybe it’s also because I didn’t show I appreciated him enough. Maybe he feels taken for granted. Maybe he feels like he did too much work and I didn’t but I feel like I reciprocated everything. The maybe’s suck.

I know that I am enough but sometimes maybe it IS our fault. Obviously more work to do within.

wow I was thankfull to read your story a few minutes ago I waited almost 2 months for the man I love to start talking to me again it was lonely and painfull and I honestly thought i would never get to talk to him again. so i think it is best not to talk to him and wait. write out what you are thinking on paper and share it with him when he starts talking to you again

Any updates Kryssy? Did he show up or call?

Vanessa, ladies–

He ended up calling me on Saturday after he got off from work. My birthday wasn’t the day to get into everything but the conversation sort of went like this…

He knows that we haven’t talked much the last few days but he wanted to reach out and say happy birthday and that he hopes it was great. He called me a little before the festivities were to begin to say he hopes I enjoy my bash. He was surprised that I answered the phone. I told him I was happy to hear from him.

I’m having trouble posting the rest right now…

I agreed that I too would like to see him again, so we shall see what happens. At this point I’m just like wow, things were going good and then BAM he pulled away, I can’t really take his word for much anymore. If he cares for me he will reach out so we can reconnect or he won’t and he’ll set me free. Maybe he is just not that into me…

I thought it was nice of him to call and ask about my parents, shows he does have character but where he is at mentally right now feels out of reach…idk :(

One more thought I just had is did he call just because it was my birthday? Would i have heard from him otherwise. I know i can’t hold my breath but it did cross my mind.

Phillygirl,

Learn the hard way I may have to do indeed. Relationships are not black and white. I am learning as I go. I am letting my heart catch up to my head.

With not hearing a peep from him since Saturday, I have no delusions about things being how they were. He said he’d like to get together but I know that I can’t take his word for it and until/if that happens I am trying to focus on other things. Thankfully life is busy and I’ve mostly separated my feelings from everything. I don’t know if that is good or bad or just self preservation. And thank God, my family isn’t invasive. Only a few folks asked about him on Saturday.

I do know I deserve better behavior. I do know that I deserve someone that knows how to communicate and express themselves and not just say “I don’t know.” I do know that I deserve someone who is all in even when the going gets tough.

I’ve been single all 28 years of my life. I have red flags myself. Letting go of someone who actually accepted me for who I am has been refreshing and mind blowing. Maybe all that open mindedness was just a front. If he doesn’t come around in a big way, I will be able to pick up the pieces eventually and move on.

Update::
We kept in touch “superficially” until we were able to get together and talk, like he suggested even though I thought he needed space. He thought too much space was bad so even if we talk about surface stuff, at least our communication wouldn’t break down completely. I mostly reached out to him for the weeks following as it seemed he wasn’t taking much initiative. He was still emotionally distant.

He had an 8 day streak of 12 hr shifts so I knew we wouldn’t see eachother during that time but then another week passed and I was feeling so emotionally drained. Since he told me that he eventually wanted to get together and talk in person because he not a “bitch” I began to wonder why it was taking so long. So, I set up a time to meet. We caught up on things because we hadn’t seen eachother for a month at that point. Then I asked how he was feeling about us. What was going on in that noggin of his to which he still was saying he didn’t know how he was feeling about us and that he has a hard time talking about his feelings so I should go first. I told him that it’s important to hear where he’s coming from. Maybe we can start with him helping me understand what happened between Valentine’s Day and me visiting his family for the first time 12 days later that he went from wanting a long happy future together to him not knowing what the next page is for us. I didn’t get a clear answer. I mainly got more questions. He asked if I think what we have is organic. He said the pace of things have been slow and that even though nothing is wrong with that, that you don’t want it to be so slow that it just stops. Ironically I have felt our relationship has been slow progressing too but he always says it’s not a race, it’s a marathon. When I hear things like that, I think, we are building a strong foundation and a deep connection. Don’t rush this my being impatient because he’s totally worth it.

I told myself that I put myself in his shoes and tried to see things from his perspective and see what behaviors of mine have contributed to where we are. I can overthink things. In all areas of my life. In relationships though it’s silly stuff like omg what did I just say, that was silly to say, or am I being too touchy feely not touchy feely enough. When I do that I know I go “away” and obviously that can negatively effect a date or interaction. I’m working on that, I told him. He then asked me if I think that that is good for a relationship? Again I’m working on it.

I told him that I want a relationship with him and asked what he wants. We both agreed that a decision had to be made. After a moment of looking at me like I was the only woman in the world he told me he doesn’t want to F this up or see me just walk away and that he needs to get his sh*t together. He knows that it is selfish and wrong to have me waiting around (not that he’s asked me to), and that he wants to make this work. I was glad to hear that and asked to him what does that look like to him and he spoke in third person saying it is determined by the two people in the relationship. I told him that for me it looks like better communication so we can go together and not apart. We agreed to do less overthinking and more talking and communicating. I even want to work on my non verbal communication. When we left the restaurant, he didn’t drive me to my second form of public transportation like he normally would which I thought to be odd. Instead he asked me where my train station was a block away and walked me there. He reached for my hand and I told him as we walked that I just want to be a source of peace and happiness for him, that there is so much more fun for us to have. He said this is supposed to be him fun outside of work. That made me cringe and think wow, he is still not convinced, but i know its not my job to convince him

Now that I think of it he has never told me that I make him happy but with all the effort in spending time together in between our busy schedules I figured he was happy and enjoyed our company. I never directly asked him if I make him happy. Anyway, at the train we held each other until the next train came. It felt like a brief moment and like we picked up where we left off even though not seeing each other for a month was too long I told him. He said it was “only a month.” He kissed me and asked for me to let him know when I reached home. I sent him a text saying that, and also a song (our thing) and that I was happy we got together that night. All he responded with was that he was home too. The next morning he texted me good morning and we periodically texted throughout the day. The next day I reached out to him via text to see how his day off was going. I was on break at work. He was headed to a graduation dinner for a friend. Then the weekend came and I heard nothing from him. I regret not calling during that weekend and keep the line of communication going but I was feeling like I wish he would just throw me a freaking bone. The last time I called he seemed annoyed that I did so I was hesitant. Monday morning at work, 6 days after our talk I texted him to say that we said we’d be open and communicative and that I feel like i am trying but that I am still losing him and that scares me. He said that he hears me and that I am right. We did agree to be more open and that he knows it sounds like a BS excuse but that he is just feeling F’d up. What do you say to that?

I said that his happiness means a lot to me and I hope he gains the clarity and peace of mind he needs. He told me I am a beautiful person inside and out. My mother told me that if he wanted an out, that that was it. I haven’t heard from him since. Nor have I reached out. It has a little over a month.

He really seems to be struggling with this internal conflict that was mentioned earlier on this thread. It was really tough to see as someone who cares deeply for him and loves him. I’m getting better but it still weighs heavily on me. There was no clean break up. Just this ambiguous thing, which I hate. I’m still a bit confused, or dense. I last week I have been thinking that maybe I should have held out a little longer for him to come around and not abandon him during that time. Did I fight hard enough??

Then I realize that emotional connection and health is what keeps a relationship afloat and in that department my needs weren’t being met.

That the end of this crazy making experience, I guess..