He feels a disconnect. Suddenly pulls away?

You’ve received excellent advice here, but it doesn’t seem you’re in the place to follow through. I really believe you’re damaging your chances by not doing no contact, and from what you said, it really seems you are still trying to convince him with your behaviour, and agreeing to keep surface talk going.

I’m curious as to what differences he has brought up with you that concern him? They could very well be worth pausing for. Your story seems similar to something that happened to my girlfriend last year, and I have a hunch.

You seriously just wrote that you should’ve held on longer for him to come around???? What???? Have you not listened to any advice?! You held on entirely too LONG !!! You should’ve been done with this guy months ago!! Wondering if you fought hard enough? Like are you serious??? All of your waiting around & fighting has done you no good. You’ve made a fool of yourself & it’s all of your own doing. Sorry have to be honest because you could’ve spared yourself all of this huge waste of time & energy but you did not even TRY to walk away…so this is what you get.

@L – Oh God I hope not lol

@Ashley – You were right and what you said wasn’t mean at all. Just tough love. Thanks for your feedback.
I have held onto glimmers of hope mainly because all through this and our conversations he still would mention doing things in the future. Where he’d take my brother in the summer. How he would like to pick my dad’s brain about stocks and investments etc. That for me is crazy making talk because what I was hearing in the same sentence was I don’t want to waste your time or have you waiting around for me but then we would also say I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE TALKING LIKE I’M ALREADY GONE AND I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. That is a lot of messages. It sent me in circles! Getting together to talk in person was HIS idea, like he said it could be enlightening and that “for better or for worse, we’ll make a decision and stick with it” but when the weeks were rolling by and I got tired of talking about surface stuff, I decided to reach out to set a date and time as to not drag it out any longer. I just wanted him to speak plainly and from the heart. Even if it was him wanting to walk away. I didn’t want to hear what he thought I wanted to hear. I wanted to honestly hear the words lets end things. I don’t know why, I just think that type of clarity would have helped me in moving on much faster.

@Love – What is your hunch??? What happened with your friend?

For one, he wasn’t understanding how I could be comfortable with becoming his girlfriend (officially at 4 months) but not in attending his partner’s destination wedding vacation out of the country. When he first brought it up I said well if you need a date, I’d like to go and he kind of just chuckled. A week later he mentioned it again and said it would be nice if I could go and he said he’s get more details. A couple weeks after that he brought it up again but seemed like plans were moving along and I said but I’m going with you to that right? and he said he didn’t know how i felt about it. I didn’t think it was too soon to travel so I said again that I want to go. Then I felt talked out of it when he asked me about how it would work out with my grad school schedule and it does seem crazy to plan a trip like that 5-6 months out at the time after knowing each other for only a couple of months. I said he made some valid points so lets build up to something like that, like road trips since we don’t know where we’ll be in April, which he later interpreted as I don’t think we would be together in April. Well he showed me didn’t he? A month or so after that and things were still going really well and solid I asked if he booked yet and he said his partner kept asking if i was going and he seemed confused. I was like I thought we decided I wasn’t going but I would like to, to which he responded with “oh no no no you don’t think we will be together in April” to which I said I know we will. But again, he said it was okay, and at that point he was asked to be a groomsman. I dropped it. He told his partner and fiance our reasons and that was that but I know he feels upset about it because during our first talk back in February after meeting his family he said he thinks we should have just gone for it. I felt defeated.

He also feels that we have too different upbringings, his being more “raw” and that we have different outlooks on life although I shared mine and he didn’t share his. Side note, if the show was on the other foot and i was unsure of him i would not talk about doing things down the line like he did because that is mean to give false hope. It’s not right. I would draw the line there and play with someone’s else’s heart which is why I feel like he was really having this internal struggle. He even told me that he is VERY indecisive and can’t trust his gut because he thinks gut decisions are impulsive. I have always thought the opposite. It makes me feel like he is very self unaware. Part of him did not want to see me leave, part of him feels like we wouldn’t work out, and part of him feels like he’s not in a spot to have a relationship (I know that means with me).

Did I mention his partner who he spends most of his time with just thinks he is overthinking and needs to relax that it’s all him? I feel his opinion has very little weight in how he was feeling but he does have SOME insight with all the time they spend together.

Ashley, I think it’s already ended. There has been no contact for over a month. I repeat there has been no contact for over a month.

Yeah, sometimes messages don’t load on here. Not sure why.

Krissy, you’re just going to have to let it go. Sorry.

I dated someone similar back in 2015. He ended things in much the same way. Like you, I kept second guessing myself. I liked him a lot, and he seemed so perfect for me. I kept thinking about all the things I should have done differently…and like you, maybe I shouldn’t have let him brush me off so easily. Perhaps I should have argued more.

That led me to get in touch with him six months later. He flat out said he didn’t want a relationship but he was open to “being friends” and “doing fun stuff” as long as I knew there was no serious relationship.

Against all the advice I’d ever gotten or given (we never take our OWN advice, do we)? I accepted this arrangement. He basically strung me along for a couple of months and then dumped me via text when he found someone he liked better.

It taught me to believe a man when he says he doesn’t want a relationship with you. I really agreed with Lane’s advice this time…you can’t force a man to feel something for you he does not feel and we just have to accept it.

Lets try this message upload again…

Shannon- yes I know, I actually remember telling him that I can’t force him to have feelings for me if he doesn’t. He just kept saying he didn’t know.

I was too nice. Definitely should have argued, put my foot down, walked away sooner, not wasted energy or time etc etc. This ended in a very indirect and ambiguous way but I could have given myself a clean break. I recall actually a conversation we had before about how if he never ends up with someone, he will be just fine. It was the same day we talked about being official. Odd remark to make when you have someone that loves and cares for you right in front of you.

You simply want what you can’t have. So find a girlfriend and rock on!

Andrea, according to him he never goes back to an ex because if it wasn’t working then it won’t work down the line so I highly doubt it, and that’s okay.

Lane I think is onto something in getting a handle on me first before I date again. And yes, I’ve gotten great advice!

Oops sorry, didn’t mean to send that, I just set up a profile pic as there’s suddenly a few other Rachel’s and I was testing it!! Please ignore me!

Thank you for this thread, thank you OP for all your updates and feedbacks. A lot of food for thought.

Ugh just read your update.