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Alecia.
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Alecia
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now and all was great in the beginning but truthfully it went way to fast to the point that he did not leave my side from the moment we first had sex. We get along great….. until he drinks to much. That is when he changes… he gets mean… not physically not even close but he says things that compare me to his ex wife or says things like ” I had kids with just one woman unlike you” He just starts saying mean things to put me down and he will just take off back to his parents home. mind you…. he is 38 and I am 45 and own my home and have two teenagers part time and he has 3 teenagers once and a while. I work and am able to do it on my own not needing a man…. more like wanting love with a man. He lives with his parents had a job as a firefighter for years and this is the first year he is not fighting fire. He is now taking any job he can get. He is a good man and I love him but do not understand what is going on. He will call me the next day after he leaves and talk to me like nothing ever happened….like a happy go lucky all is cool attitude. I will confront him and he will totally change the subject or ignore it like he did not hear me. He just goes about the relationship as if nothing happened…. and even times when he is not drunk and he gets mad about something he just gets up, leaves and than later acts like nothing like everything is just fine. I am to the point of this is not what I want with this man no matter how much I like him…. We get along great… he is sexy and he is sweet….. but here we have this. Now what?
Ivy
What makes him a good man?
He gets drunk and is mean
He says mean things to you
He puts you down
He negatively compares you to his ex
He doesn’t apologize for his bad behavior
He doesn’t aknowledge you when you ask him about his bad behaviorFirst, he sounds like a bad drunk.
Second, he sounds like he has no remorse when he is sober.
Third, if he’s a drunk move on to a man who isn’t
Fourth, if you are unsure about moving on imagine spending 10 years or more with a man exactly like him and maybe him getting worse.
Last – Think with your head and re-read the above whenever in doubt.Juliette
Alecia,
Please get some counseling for yourself and get out of this relationship. This could be so many things that are causing him to act like this from mental illness to alcoholism. Please take care of yourself (and your kids) and move on.Alecia
I know this to be true…. I should get out…. but for some reason i keep telling myself he will change…. and I have done this before and know better…. I start to think of all we have done together a garden talk time in the hot tub all kinds of positive and for some reason I convince myself that this will not continue or that his bad is not so bad…. I know I deserve a happy healthy relationship. And yes he is a bad drunk not always but most of the time. My friends tell me I can do better ect…. yet I keep seeing the good stuff…. he tells me not to take what he says when he is angry seriously yet its sticks with me and it is alway in the back of my mind. How can I get over my weakness for him?
Alecia
I have always had a extremely hard time getting out of relationships ….. I have never been one to walk away even when it is bad….. I really do not know why.
Juliette
Alecia,
If you are sleeping with him, you have chemicals racing through your system that create a feeling of attachment. You simply have to stop it.Are your kids aware of how he treats you? If things progress between the two of you and you end up living in the same house, are you concerned he would act out against your kids OR that they would witness the things he is doing to you? That alone would have me RUNNING.
There are plenty of guys who will sit in the hot tub with you and won’t degrade you, I promise.
Lane
Hi Alecia.
I’m going to be straight up with you—leave this man! My (now ex) husband became an alcoholic and changed me in ways I would have never imaged—I went from being a strong, independent, confident woman to an enabling and overcompensating CO-DEPENDENT! These men will SUCK YOU DRY, always keep you off balance, and continually manipulate you with the PUSH/PULL cycle which is what he’s doing to you. Mine would go from: you’re getting fat (I averaged a size 4 – 6), house is a mess, why I do or don’t do this or that so he could go off and drink and then in 2 -3 days later he threw out THE HOOK: you’re so sexy, the house looks great, you’re such a great spouse and mother!
Its a dysfunctional cycle that NEVER ENDS. I defined my co-dependency as “creating order out of disorder” just to keep the peace and buffer our two sons from the insanity. After over 10 years of living with it I was at the point where I wanted to park the car in the garage and turn the engine on!
I’m here to tell you that this man is defective and if you if you think its hard now, trust me when I say it will become MUCH HARDER the longer you’re in this relationship. There’s a VALID reason why he’s divorced and no longer a firefighter because eventually alcoholics lose all sense of boundaries, just as mine eventually did when he was ‘forcibly retired’ from the military within 8 months of me leaving him after a 20 year marriage (the first 8 years were really great, then he started to drink more and more as his military responsibilities increased, by the 10th he was a functioning alcoholic and by the 19th he was no longer functioning and found out military career was taking a hit too).
Anne
Sounds to me like he refuses to take any kind of responsibility for his poor behavior.. Why are you accepting it? Take the blinders off..
And to answer your above question – you get over your weakness for him, when you start caring about yourself more than you do him.
Alecia
Thank you…. I really have been needing some wise council about my situation. I have always ended up with men who were not good for me…. I need to stop my pattern….I really have no idea why I keep putting myself in situations like this with men.
Ivy
I read in some psychology article that who you chose as a romantic partner will determine 90% of your happiness. Keep that in mind, you want to be happy, choose a man that makes you happy. There are good men out there.
celesteannv
Alecia,
Honey.. run! At the point you are in your life, you should not be settling for a man who is nice.. sometimes.
Read Lane’s post again and I add DITTO. We have lived parallel lives and I made excuses for my ex over a decade.
No man (or woman) is perfect, but alcohol/drugs/etc. is not excuse for the abusive behavior you are experiencing. I lost myself for years and I still can feel the triggers of my codependency almost 4 years later.There is an old line from a Bill Cosby skit – He asks the guy … Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,” and he said, “Because it intensifies your personality.” I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”
I truly believe that a person’s underlying personality, thoughts, etc are there and drugs/alcohol give them the excuse to act on it.
Ihelena
my guy does the same thing gets drunk he nice in front of other people but than when we are alone he mean puts me down.than the next day act like nothing happen.sometimes he even acts like it is my fault.
Alecia
And when they do this we give in…. it sucks and its not an easy situation to get out of because we ar in love and want love with the nice person they are when they are not mean and drunk. I am having such a hard time doing what I know I need too…. that is Get Out!!!
helena
i understand what you are saying been with mine for 7 years. an it hard.cause when he aint drunk things are fine.an you only see the good.there so hateful when they are drinking.when he drunk he tells me to get out.i leave only for him to call the next day or i call him he tells me to come home.
Lane
Yes Helena, BLAME is their MO! My ex even had the AUDACITY to blame me for ‘ending his military career’ because I left him! He refused to admit that he LIED to his new commander who was a BIG FAMILY MAN that I was leaving him two months BEFORE he reported to his new base OR that the current commander was going to forcibly retire him if he didn’t receive new orders by a certain time (I found this out by another spouse and he still doesn’t know I know).
The both of you need to get out, because it never gets better with these men, only progressively worse as time goes by. Please leave for your own sanity!
Vashti
Hunni….? Aren’t you old enough to already have this down packed? I think I might be more ashamed of you, than of his crummy @ss.. He’s 38 and he bahaves like a fucking child and you’re 45 yr old butt is just as childish for putting up with his bum @ss. Don’t fire fighters get paid decently once they hit their second or third year in their occupation along with decent benefits???? WHY IN THE WORLD, is he still living with his parents??? – He was probably never a fire fighter. LOL But move on – keep it push’n. You and your daughters don’t deserve it. He only acting that way because you gave him too many chances..
Alecia
How do you get out when you keep thinking its all better as soon as they are nice or not drunk? Its so easy to convince myself to stay and hard to convince my self that this is unhealthy and I need to leave. This is so hard because I do love the man yet I know better!!! Ugh!!!
Alecia
True Vashti True.
LAgirl
How? You just do it.
The number one reason people do nothing is FEAR. What are you afraid of Alecia?
Because if you can be honest with yourself about why you REALLY keep him around, it isn’t because of LOVE, sweetie. It’s fear.
Vashti
It’s okay to hve feelings, but think with your head and disregard those feelings when making important decisions.
You, through out your life, have become too comfortable with discomfort. You make decisions out of habit.
Challenge yourself : Him or your daughters? (Both eye brows up/ straight stare)Vashti
Another way of getting out of that bad decision making habit is to remember everytime he acts ‘nice’ , that he’s going to act mean again and the same cycle will continue.
Question: Every time he avts ‘nice’ , does he asks for something?
Alecia
No… he just acts nice and acts as if nothing happened like he is a totally different person. He can go from awesome and than all of the sudden he is someone else and acts out, takes off and calls later that day or next day and its like nothing happened not a word about what happened it is so strange. He won’t talk about it.
Vashti
He has communication issues ? :) (That’s not a real question)
He’s doesn’t talk about it because there’s simply rational, reasonable, valid excuse. Rationally, it would result in him being the bad person causing problems and he’s simply not mature enough to own up to it. It takes for every women he comes into contact with to not allow him to get away with his bad behavior until he decides to quit it. which it shouldn’t have to.Vashti
Sry. I meant to right that there’s NO rational and/ or reasonable validexcuse for it.
Vashti
This guy is 38 and unresposive. He’s 38… and he is who he is. Leave him and don’t put much thought into it.
You sound like a great person. Make yourself open for someone who’s going to be nice ALL THE TIME. Not Sometimes. God Bless You. You will be okay :) -
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