He ghosted me after 7 months!

I’m sorry Bebe. He probably did think that at some level and then reality set in. He’s not ready. You didn’t do anything to deserve this, it’s definitely him not you.

I think its way too soon for him to be entertaining ladies IMO based on the fact he’s only been divorced for less than two years. They say it takes 1 year for every 5 to be in the right head and emotional place before one can be ready to commit again. If he was married over 17 then he has at least another couple to go, add the kids into the mix and it could be longer as they are his priority and when things go back to normal it will be his business, so in essence, you would hold, at a minimum, a third spot on his priority list but it would soon feel like less when his real life comes back into the mix.

In a nutshell, he’s not ready for anything long-term. He THINKS he is, which is why everything seemed so wonderful in the beginning but when reality really hits and one seriously starts seeing the full picture (envisioning a future), all of a sudden that future doesn’t look so great and you begin to naturally withdraw and break it off. I’ve been where he is, long-term marriage (over 20+ years) where it takes a very long time (almost 4 years for me) to feel OK enough to even try it again. But truth be told, they don’t last long where my first ended at 7 months because I found we were too different and so I broke it off in a similar way he did after taking a week to get up the courage to do it. Adding extra time (space) I find softens the blow v. blindsiding them with a break up out of the blue.

I know it sucks but I think you knew the writing was on the wall and ignored all the signs that he was ending it by pulling away. When you see a man pull away the best thing to do is pull back further and see if he steps back in on his own or not. If after a week they don’t, then its best to accept its over as no man would let a week go by without talking to his GF if he seriously loved and missed her—they bounce back within a few days.

He’s not ready yet. Its not yours or his fault but a case of bad timing.

Guys who have been married a long time are used to having a woman around. They miss it, it became the norm for them. So after a little while they think that’s what they want. again, but when they start getting close to a new woman, then the fears of what if this doesn’t work out, this is a lot of work, do I really want to give up my freedom, etc. start coming up. They get cold feet and they back way off or they just disappear with no warning as this guy did with you.

He probably did really care for you and he realized he can’t handle it right now. And when a child is having a problem, well that overshadows everything. Also, the ex may have demanded that he not let anyone into his house or that he not date until their child is doing better or something extreme like that.

He might come back eventually but I wouldn’t be included to entertain him at the point.

Yes K, what you’re saying makes perfect sense. And yes his ex did tell him she doesn’t want him seeing anyone during this pandemic otherwise he can’t see his kids.

He did tell me he made a promise to his ex that he wouldn’t see anyone during this pandemic otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see his kids. However, that doesn’t justify totally disappearing the way he did, there’s still phone calls and video chats if he still wanted to keep in touch with me.

I agree, I would not take him back if he reappeared, for the reason that I no longer trust him. For me once the trust is broken the damage has been done and there’s no turning back. He’s not the man I thought he was. And I’m not saying this because he’s not ready for a serious relationship, I’m saying this because he couldn’t even break up with me like a mature adult who’s in his late 40’s.

I am so so glad you see your worth Bebe182!! I know in time (if you don’t already) you’ll see positive things you learned from this relationship. But sometimes when men leave it is truly because we manifested it to be so. You send out signals of what you want – a man committed, communicative and willing to take the next step – and if the man you are with is not willing to give your hearts desire – we make them disappear. It’s kind of awesome magic but it hurts so very dearly.

I don’t give two sh*%s about the reasoning behind why he did this. I call BS about you being a rebound or the ex or the kids. It’s not so hurtful he didn’t have the feelings to continue — it’s hurtful he didn’t have the DECENCY or respect for you to just say it. That’s about low character NOT any of the other reasons. I wish you sweet healing and now is a good time to take time to tend to you.

Good luck with healing from the breech of trust- that for me is so hard to deal with. I’m guessing his ex was unbelievably controlling and he can’t manage her threats about his kids so his way of handling things is to retreat and do nothing. I would guarantee if we were not in a pandemic, things could have been figured out and honestly you can go a lifetime and not go through something like this. Yes there are deaths, loss of jobs, illness, children issues but a pandemic where you can’t be around others has never happened. No one knows how to handle this in this country- people think they do, but we have nothing to really look at to begin to deal with this.

Heal yourself and when this is over, you can reflect on what happened. Maybe you can work through the breech if trust with him. I’m guessing if he really loves you, he will reach out. Step way back

@K – I was calling BS on the reasons we were all searching for why he did this. I don’t believe it was a reason but his bad character that caused him to ghost a sweet woman who was giving her heart. I don’t make excuses for men or women. I’ve seen men be completely traumatized by a divorce, not be ready – and they tell their partner and break it off, maybe poorly, maybe in a text or something god awful, but they don’t just ghost. That’s all I was saying.

@Bebe182 – remember you were not wrong to be trusting. We all take a risk when we take an adventure with someone. Be peaceful in knowing you acted with openness and authentic feelings exactly as you should. The universe will reward you for that.

T- I think you’re misinterpreting people helping her understand what in the heck might have been going on for valid reasons for him doing what he did. I see everyone agreeing that just going silent on her was wrong no matter what was happening with him. I flat out said anyone over 18 knows they owe someone a civil break-up rather than just disappearing.

Lane – nothing wrong with breathing space but if you’re in a relationship and need a week off, then you don’t just go off the grid, you say something first.

The problem I see is you are making assumptions instead of hearing what he told. When he said “he cannot be with you until this pandemic is over”, you assumed you would carry on in other ways but what I heard is that he told you he cannot be with you, and that means communicating as well because if his kids were to find out and they told the ex, he could legitimately lose the kids until the courts open back up and they go through another custody battle of which he will blame on you.

The one thing a man holds dearly is *respect.* If he feels you are disrespecting him then they have the capacity to fall out of love pretty quickly. Yeah, he could have clarified but you should have listened to what he told you too, after you said you understood, and let him reach out when he was able to reach out without being worried if the ex would find out. Exes can be vindictive or controlling people, whereas if she’s still pulling his strings then this relationship was doomed as I suspect there would be a lot of mamma drama if the kids got involved. It sounds like he’s extricating himself from any and all possible ex drama.

I also don’t get how the children would know he was talking to his girlfriend? They didn’t know about me and I never met them, and even if I did what would matter if we were just talking as long as we weren’t physically seeing each other?

I don’t know I call bs on that. While I know his ex asked him not see anyone else during the pandemic, I’m not 100% sure now that he didn’t just use that excuse as a way to break up with me.

Sorry K but that’s one of the primary reasons why you don’t get involved with men who are still going through ex/custody drama with minor children after a divorce. That’s the LESSON in this, which is why I REFUSED to date any man with minor children after my divorce because I worked in Family Law and saw the custodial battles and financial bloodshed all because they couldn’t get along.

You know what the cost of divorce is and ongoing child disputes can become a financial toll and strain if you are dealing with an over controlling, angry or vindictive ex. He was being pulled in different directions and chose his kids, over her. Again, communication should have been clearer, on both sides, at the time he told her “I can’t be with you….”; not days later when she started to figure out he actually meant what he told her.

lane, there is no custody battle. The divorce is settled and they have a custody agreement, however he would see the kids way more often than then custody agreement called for. He lived two blocks away from the so he would see them 5-6 days a week. Him and his ex got along for the most part so it wasn’t like there was some ongoing battle between them. Don’t get me wrong they had fights and big disagreements but for a divorced couple I’d say they got along pretty well, almost too well! And when they did have their big disagreements he would take it so hard, he would just sit and brew over it almost like he didn’t know how to handle it.

Either way it’s all just speculation, for all I know it could just be some other woman who came into the picture, not his ex, and he just used all this as excuse.