Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He has suddenly changed his feelings
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Mike.
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Lily
Hi guys. Looking some advice.
Been dating this really amazing guy for nearly 3 months. We hit it off instantly. We have both been single about 10 months. Had a very open chat when we started dating about boundaries and what we were both looking for..he outright said he was looking for a relationship. I told him.i was happy to get to know him.
We have talked everyday via text and on the phone, we have made time to see each other every week. We even had a weekend away last weekend and things have been going so good. We both agreed that this finally felt how being with someone should be. Easy, uncomplicated and fun. And we both shared how happy and excited we were to see how things would move forward. He even said about booking a sun holiday in October together.
Then 3 hours after having the above conversation he rings me in a panic to say that he needs to tell me that he still thinks about his ex. This absolutely floored me. We were supposed to have a date night that evening and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him as I just didn’t know what I would say.
He then tells me he thinks that it’s regret with how he ended it with his ex. I asked him outright if he was still in love with her and wanted to be with her to which he said no, but that was followed by I don’t know. He then said he wants to be with me that I’m the best thing to happen to him and can we forget he said anything. I told him I needed time to think.
After I left he continued to message me to apologise and he knows he needs to prove to me that he wants to be with me and its just a minor bump in the Road.i told him im.not sure how to process it all.
He then went out with his mates got drunk and sends me a messages that read
“I’m sorry I’ve been out of reach. I feel like I can’t say to you I’m ready to commit to a life together. I don’t know where my job will take me. I don’t know how my ex will affect me. I would be lying if I said I’m on course to have a life with you. I’m not. I literally have no idea what my life will be in 3/6 months. I’m sorry I dated you without being upfront. I didn’t really know how I really felt. I’m sorry.”
He then turned his phone off so I couldnt even contact him all of Sunday. When he did finally turn it back on he sent me this message “Sorry my phones been dead all day like I have. I think the hard thing I can’t move past is you want someone who is certain. And I’m not. I’m really uncertain. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. It just means I don’t know what I’m doing”. Followed by a few texts that he wants to talk and he really does want to be with me.
1. I dont know if there is anything I want to say to him.
2. What else could he possibly say to me.
As far as I can figure out is that,yes he has been somewhat honest with me. But the way he has gone about it has changed my complete outlook on our previous chats.
When we both were talking about how happy we were I only meant that I was happy to continue to see how things developed. Has this guy just freaked out. Do I speak to him or walk away. I’ve left it that I need some space..Raven
This guy is a mess!
Tell him to figure it out, while you move forward with your life…
Ewa
speaking from experience, no ex involved in this, he is just trying to find an excuse not to see you /be with you
3 months is when men usually decide if they want to be with someone in committed relationship or not . He decided that he doesn’t see a future with you, so let him be.
Men say when feels good at that moment in time, so when he was saying about going on holiday or how good he feels in your company, he meant it , but it also means that next day when he woke up, he felt something completely different.
Another thing worth mentioning here: men don’t go looking for a serious relationship, they look for sex and companionship and then they realize that this person might actually be worth committing to. Most men don’t think about relationships as often as women do.when he says he doesn’t know what he is doing it means I want to keep you around but at the same time I want to date other people but for you to not leave me because if it doesn’t work out with others I might be back.
You deserve better than that and you certainly deserve someone who is sure about you, not someone who doesn’t know…Lily
100% the conclusion I’ve made. There is no possible way back from this. You know when you start to question your reaction over theirs…. I was like should I be more sympathetic to what he is saying…. but I actually can’t.
Gaia
I agree with Ewa and Raven. This guy is a mess and you don’t need to be with someone who isn’t certain of you. 3 months is when guys usually decide they are in for the long haul or not. Don’t let him waste your time with his unsurety. You deserve better and will find it. It’s not this one.
AngieBaby
Every action has a reaction, basic principle of physics. His feelings suddenly changed and now yours have too. You’re right, there’s no way back from this. The less you say to him the better. I’d just say, all things considered, let’s just leave it off here. It was great to have spent some time with you and I wish you nothing but the best. And then BLOCK. He WILL do this flip flop dance again if you allow him. Don’t let it happen, you deserve more than this. Like everyone said, at three months a guy knows and unless it’s a hell yeah it’s a no.
Liz Lemon
This sucks, you have my sympathy! The other ladies are right, the 3 month mark is an important milestone in dating, it’s when things either get real or die out. Guys are happy to date for several months and just be in the moment having fun, like Ewa said, not really thinking about what everything means– until reality hits them several months in.
This guys sounds like an emotional mess and not ready for a serious relationship. At 3 months in, there would not be this much drama if things were meant to be! The best thing you can do is walk away. It’s painful but you’ll have to move on.
Maddie
Agree, he’s not emotionally available or stable. People who are emotionally stable don’t just flip 180 suddenly. Listen to his words of uncertainty, stick with “thanks but no thanks,” and walk away. You don’t need to talk further with him about it if you don’t want to, sounds like he knows where you stand. Further conversation just drags this out, and wastes more of your time.
Khadija
He’s got a lot to figure out, let him do that on his time.
Move on, someone else will be sure about you.Tammy
Has he said he wants to meet u and talk? I think when he thought over the fact that this affair with you is finally taking a somewhat serious turn, he panicked, backtracked and then jumped in again not sure what he should do. It sucks. But i think if you do meet him, he may try and convince you to stick around while he tries to figure things out. When he sees you want to make a clean break, he may try n convince you otherwise.
I think the cat is out of the bag and there is really no way back in.. i think meeting him again at this juncture would be waste of time and more of an emotional drain for you. Even if he says he does like you etc., you cant really over luk the fact that he does not really see anythng serious with you or a steady relatnship with you.
I know it hurts but you really hv no option but to walk away. What really puts me off is after gettin close and agreeing with you that this affair is gud and has future potential, he panicked and totally back tracked.. not done. Thats confusing and sh*tty behaviour.
If i was in your place i wld hv simply told him that its obvious that hes not ready to be involved with anyone presently. So its best that you guys take a break and move on..
Who knows what the future has in store? Maybe some months down the road he may reconnect. And if your still single, u could meet him provided you still want to. But for the present, its best that you walk away. Hes all over the place and will drag you down with him in his chaotic world. You dont want that.
Cut it off and dont luk back.
Lily
Agree with you all. And any attraction I had at the potential of a relationship with this guy has gone.
At the moment I’m fighting with my inner voice as to whether I meet him for a chat. Is it just another pointless closure conversation or is the right thing to do speak to him so that it is at least put to bed.Ewa
I have this thing where I like to end things in person (whether it is me ending or other way around) that way is easier for me to walk away. However in this situation I wouldn’t bother, he is not worth your time and I think you already have your closure. he doesn’t know what he wants and you meeting him won’t change his mind but might only confuse you.
tammy
I agree with Ewa. You meet a person to discuss why and what happened. help you deal with breakup and get closure. but in your case, it’s just been three months. and the min it looked that this could take a somewhat serious turn, he backtracks and does all this drama. i think you shld avoid him totally or you will get dragged into his drama. walk away seriously. but if you feel you must see him to get your closure, do meet. but avoid drinks or dinner or late evening meet. just a casual coffee meet in the afternoon and be prepared to walk away. he needs to sort himself out before he dates you. and you don’t want to be around while he figures just whether he wants to be with you or not.
Alexis
A No is a No. A Maybe is a No. An “I’m not sure” is a No. Let him figure himself out. In the meantime, go to someone who knows and Isn’t stuck in the past. I stopped reading after he said “no” to you several times.
AngieBaby
Why WOULD you bother to take your precious time to meet this guy who you’ve only known three months and jerked you around this many times?? That’s a serious question. Why does part of you think you should see him again? I think women try too hard to be “nice” sometimes. If you see him, he’ll either bang on about how confused he is and he’s so sorry or he will try to persuade you to give it another try. Neither of which you need.
Lily
I’ve completely cut ties with him.
He tried reaching out a few times even after I told him I was done. So I have blocked him completely now and its done as far as I’m concerned.
I appreciate all your advice.Tammy
Proud of you girl!!!! Knew you wantd to meet him one last time but glad you changed ur mind! He did so much drama and behaved so badly with you. Gud you shut him out. He shld know he cant come and go as he pleases! He didnt want you. He can buzz off!!! You are not going to hang around ehile he figures what he wants. Hugs!! And dont worry you can do much better than that guy!!!
another Lily
Lily, just some info. here (for the next guy you have a real interest in). Guys need a mystery to fall in love (emotional attraction). The daily texts/chatting and phone calls will not make this not possible. Men fall in love in the spaces.
another Lily
*will make this not possible
AngieBaby
Why is “Lily” posting BS advice to “Lily”????
Anyway, good for you for putting a final end to it without seeing or speaking to him again.
ANM StaffKeymaster(Just looking at it on my end real quick, I think that using the OP’s name was an honest mistake in this case. I’ll just do a quick edit of the name so there isn’t confusion.)
Mike
The ex got back in touch and wants to get back together. 100% that is it-that is what changed in those three hours, he heard from her, and all of a sudden he’s not too sure about being with you anymore. It is going to be very hard but cut him off. Honeymoon period is over, now mask is off and you are seeing the real him. This is not a fluke.
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