Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He Hasn't Told Anyone About Me
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Amanda.
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Ashley
So I have been dating this guy for almost 3 months. Things moved very quickly with us; he claimed to be falling very quickly, he stated that he wanted to be exclusive with me and that he wanted things to be serious. This all happened before we had sex. The sexual chemistry was intense! I had been celibate for over a year when I met him and this was by choice. I told him that I wanted to be in a relationship or be exclusive with someone before I had sex because I felt it would be better for me.
Well after awhile I gave into my urges and had sex with him anyway, no exclusiveness and no relationship and I was okay with it. We continue to have sex, go on dates and communicate very regularly. However, I know that the uncertainty of “what we are” will bother me, clearly it’s starting to because I’m here writing this forum.
So since then he hasn’t ever once mentioned again about being exclusive or in a relationship once the sex came into play, which I expected. However, he also hasn’t given me any reason to think that he doesn’t want to be with me or that he will leave now that he got what he wanted. Nothing has changed overall. We still see each other often, talk everyday and plan dates. We did have a little bump where I felt maybe we weren’t compatible and I felt like maybe we should think about if this was right for us. He assured me that he had never met anyone like me who has cared enough to be so supportive of him and that he couldn’t risk losing that, so we agreed to keep going.
So last night I asked him if he had told any of his friends about me because I had told a few of mine about him and I was curious. He told me no…that bothered me because I feel like if someone is truly interested in anything long-term they will at least mention that there is someone in their life. He stated that the conversation between his friends just never came up and he didn’t bring it up either. He has always since the beginning told me that he is a very private person and doesn’t like to involve social media or other people in his relationships. I mean I get that, but the suspicious side of me also thinks that’s an excuse to hide what we have going on for whatever reason.
I know I have given him mixed messages, especially about the sex thing. I also admit that my own uncertainty of things at the beginning was very well voiced to him and I could see that he may be on edge as to where my mind is now. It also might have been a turn off for him that I didn’t think things would work anyway for us at the beginning. I just felt that the ways we want and express affection are very different and I wasn’t feeling satisfied by the type of affection I was getting. But, he really has been trying. In the best way he knows how at least.
Not to make excuses for him but I wonder, am I wrong for feeling a little bothered that he hasn’t told anyone about me? Is that kind of an inclination that maybe the sex is fun and the “feeling” of being in a relationship is all he needs to be satisfied? I know that eventually I will want more (commitment) and I don’t know if either of us can offer that to each other in the long-term. I too have second thoughts now about this whole thing but I also am having a hard time grasping the concept of letting him go and I don’t want to hurt him.
Thanks for the thoughts and help everyone.
Annie
Depends on how old he is. If his friends are a bunch of little twirps then no he won’t tell them cause they are too immature to relate. But a grown man with friends who are married or in real relationship s he will tell them soon. If you feel he is an honest and decent person I think you are ok
Raven
You’ve not met any of his friends?
Has he met any of yours?Sun
I believe the “real” talk should happen now between the two of you. You provided mix signals and if you take some time to put yourself in his situation, I think you would be proceeding with caution as well. Just imagine if you were the one to say that you’re falling for him quickly and that you want to be exclusive and in a serious relationship and his response was like your response, I think you know the answer.
However, since he has stayed, the ball is in your court to approach the subject of exclusivity and serious relationship — that is, if that is what you truly want. He told you he’s a private person to begin with. That is understandable. The last thing I want to do when I was dating my BF is to announce it to the world and social media because I wasn’t sure yet. I hadn’t been asked to be in a serious relationship and letting people know about something that may not work out, just adds more pressure to the situation.
Talk to him. Talk to him soon. Find out if he still wants to be exclusive and in serious relationship before you continue to be intimate and find out later that he’s no longer in that place whereas, you may be headed. Better to clarify things now that later.
Ashley
Thank you all for the responses, they are very helpful!
He is younger, 23, so I could see that he may have immature friends. But he has mentioned that his friends too are in relationships so who knows. But I have not met any of his friends or family yet, he comes to my house often so has met my mom and brother.
Sun, your advice is very helpful as well. I think you are right about having that talk again. I can truly understand his point of view in this situation. I think I felt like having the talk would pressure him into it rather than it being a natural thing between us both. But the communication would help clarify a lot for us both.
NY2GAgirl
my bf called his best friend the same night after we met. within minutes of him walking me to my car, he says. we’re both in late 40’s so not sure if that has anything to do.
While I (like SUN) didn’t go telling all my fam n friends that soon i did journal it to myself how wonderful it was to meet him. he couldn’t contain himself so he called his childhood and best friend immediately.
Otherwise I do think its time you two had some sort of talk as to what you want, and where you are. Maybe once that’s solidified he’ll feel ok to tell others. and so will you.
Vanessa
So when he asked for exclusivity early on, you said no?
Sun
That’s young. My BF and I are both in our 50’s (He’s divorced/I’m widowed). I must admit that my age and situation were reasons why I took my time announcing my relationship to the world. I wanted to be sure first. No sense of urgency as I was not young anymore so my focus was not on whether both our sides know about us. I actually enjoyed when it was just really the two of us.
In your situation, there is no hard or downside to bringing up or restating what you are looking for. It’s been three months. I don’t think you want another three months to go by without knowing if his intentions have changed or not. This is best time to re-engage in that topic so you don’t both waste time and it will certainly alleviate your feeling of uncertainty that I am sure is sending out a negative vibe whether you can see it or not. I’ve been there and I wish I had this forum in my early dating years.
kaye
While 23 is young, it’s been almost 3 months so I do feel like you should have at least met some of them by now and they should certainly know about you by now. Even if it just casually comes up in conversation…Hey dude you wanna hang out at my place Friday night and get drunk?….naw man I’ve got plans with Ashley. I would consider it a red flag that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends or told them about you.
It totally agree with him about keeping things private but it’s really hard to keep things from your close friends. It’s almost like he would have to consciously be making that effort. My boyfriend doesn’t discuss our relationship with the guys he works with (well his employees) so only a couple of them have met me or know about me. But all his close friends that he hangs out with, it’s really hard for them to not know what’s going on in his life and they all know about me even if they haven’t met me yet. It’s funny how often I come up in conversation from the things he tells me!
I do think you need to talk to him if you feel like he’s hesitant because you were the one to voice your concern about things working in the beginning and you think you’re giving him mixed messages.
Tina
This is tough to answer. I assume you’re mainstream white. The reason I’m raising this is that in come non-“mainstream American”ethnic groups, the community is very close-knit and telling even one person about your relationship means soon everyone will be gossiping about you, which helps no one. If you and your guy are NOT from this type of culture where everyone is in everyone else’s business, no, it’s not normal that he hasn’t told anyone about you and I’m not surprised you don’t like how it makes you feel.
Raven
I’m old…
I don’t understand how you could date for 3 months & not at some point meet up with friends…?Ashley 2
Ashley, are we talking to the same guy? lol this story sounds all too familar I’m jk but you never know
Ashley
Thanks everyone for the responses, they really help a lot.
Definitely good information for me to think about. I do agree that it seems weird that he hasn’t at least mentioned me to anyone. When he initially asked me to be exclusive it was only a week into dating so I definitely said no because I didn’t even know him yet. And now more than anything I feel like it could have been just that attempt to have sex with me, but I didn’t want to make that assumption. I just hate the thought of having yet another talk with him and feeling as if I will be pressuring him into introducing me to his friends and family.
Kaye: I do agree with you, the fact that I haven’t come up even to say “oh I’m just hanging with this girl I met” makes me feel like I’m kind of nonexistent. The talk needs to happen for sure.
Ashley2: Haha I’m glad to know its not just one Ashley out here going through this.
Josh
I’m not trying to be mean if it comes out that way. But I say don’t rush it. I lost the one girl that made my world keep spinning because I worried just like you are. If you love this guy and you truly believe he loves you it doesn’t matter. I’m inly 17 and I’m so confused on all of this stuff, but I have already learned that love us not a game you can really play. You are just apart of it and like all games sometimes you lose.
Hannah
I’m not sure it’s a great idea to ask for a relationship and exclusivity before sex, then do it anyway
There are your boundaries goneI agree with kaye and raven. Surely after 3 months he must have told someone? I had an affair and the the guy confided in someone after less time than that. He was a private person too. You must have come up in general conversation about what he’s been doing?
Are you sure he’s not in another relationship?
This not telling anyone about you is a red flag. Alsowhy did you think you weren’t compatible at the beginning and what changed your mind?
funny
Hmmm… Most guys who are excited about meeting a girl or regularly seeing a girl talk about it with their friends. In my experience after 2 months of regularly seeing each other his close friend would know about this girl he’s been seeing…and then when she finally meets his friends they would all be like “Nice to FINALLY meet you!!!!”
Jillian
You need to be straight-forward, up-front, and honest, AGAIN! He may need a reminder about your intentions – wanting a commitment first. Though you two have already crossed boundaries that you initially didn’t want to cross…now is the time to tell him your feelings. He needs to know that it is hurtful that he hasn’t told his friends about you (though he could be waiting for the right time/person to tell, especially if he’s private). Tell him why you told your friends, and then he can give you his response of why he didn’t/hasn’t yet, and then everything will be out in the open. The last thing you want is to continue this relationship for 3 more months, and NOT know what your status is together. Honesty and communication is the key. If he shares the exact same feelings that you have for him, then great. But if not, better to know now. Then you can decide how you want to proceed…
Algo
My guy hasn’t told his parents about me either. Though, he’s a bit reluctant because he said one of the worse things for him was having a girl meer them and them living her and then breaking up again. So he became more warry about telling them right away.
All his work friends know and his cousin as well. I’m not sure about his friends back home. It’s probably also different because he doesn’t see his family very often in person and the last time he saw them in real life, we were only about a month into dating so it’s understandable he didn’t tell them right away.
I know his intentions are pure and real and he’s not taking advantage of me so I’m not too worried. I let him go at his pace. When the time is right for him and he knows I’m not going to just go off with someone else because he’s in a different country, he’ll probably tell his parents.
I would just talk to him about it. At 3 months, you should be able to ask him questions about his intentions or why he hasn’t told anyone about you without him being upset. You might be surprised about the answer.
Sherri
I would first be concerned about whether you guys are exclusive or not. Everything else comes later IMO
Kitty
Hi there, I’ve recently been seeing this lovely guy for two months he took me on about 5 dates did all the boyfriend type things a boy who’s keen on you should do ! I introduced him to a few of my best mates. He told me from the start he liked me then on the fourth date that he loved me :/ I also asked on the fifth date would you consider being Moore then friends as we’ve also hooked up and the chemistry is amazing! Once I asked him this he said that’s not what I want at all I’m just not in the right head space he also said he was truly sorry if I was hurt. More then I’ve received from other guys was it needy that I got a friend to tell him I appreciated his apology and I’d still like still like to be friends with him ! I told him to delete me so I can move on ! I’m not sure if I did the right thing or if he’ll realise how idiotic he’s being and come crawling back ? Please help or best to move on !
Kitty
P.S. My point is he also is in the army I’m okay with that but he leads a busy life same as I do but he didn’t tell his mates about me I was the one to tell mine ! I might have dodged a bullet but he treated me so well telling me about himself his work family & life in general I’m wondering if I scared him off !
Raven
He can’t be in love with you & then run away at the same time…
Kitty
So best to forget him?
Sophia
Yes. That’s best.
Kitty
is it fair enough that I told him to delete me so I can move on if he wasn’t serious about me ? Do you think there’s a chance he’ll come back I stupidly got a friend to message him after that telling him that I appreciated his apology I’m honestly not sure what I want but I know I don’t want to get hurt again as my ex dumped me in Thailand & cheated right in front in front of me he also came crawling back but I said no :)
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