Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › he invited me over to "cuddle" after ghosting
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by
Lane.
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Lauretta
Met a guy online during quarantine back in May. We texted nonstop all day for a few weeks and spoke on the phone or facetime every night. Made plans to meet after covid etc.
Then one day he just stopped hitting me up. Which he was pretty busy with work so I assumed thats why. About a week later he texted me a ghost emoji and saying that I disappeared again and i responded “sorry just been busy…how you been?” (didnt respond accusing him of going ghost to make it seem like I been sitting around waiting for him to text)
He said hes been good and we facetimed later that night. And then I didnt hear from him for three weeks and he texted me two nights ago….
him: Hey whats up are you still scared of Covid?
me: Lol no why whats up
him: Want to meet up to watch a movie and cuddle?
me: Dude you do not want to cuddle, you can be honest, you are trying to have sex..
him: Only if you say yes, but it you say no then cuddling is the next best thing…I then told him okay but just stopped replying because I was undecided and when I woke up the next day he had texted me the below.
“idk what was the point of saying you were coming if you didnt want to…I guess you were just playing this whole time and I dont understand the point of it…I dont get you but okay. ”
I still havent responded because I’m not sure what to respond…he is really, really attractive but now that I know he only wants sex. I wouldnt mind being friends with benefits because its been over a year since I’ve been intimate with anyone, but my fear is that if we do it one time, I would never hear from him again and then I would just feel used.
We have each other on social media and I expected him to have unfollowed/blocked me by now but he hasn’t.
Tallspicy
Oh lord. Which one is it you want? Fwb or more? If you agree to fwb, you agree to inconsistent behavior and no promises. You should never feel used because you agree to it.
He is being more direct and adult than you are at this point.
Figure out what you want. And if you want this all to end, stop accepting half assed crap. Or accept it with no expectations.
Newbie
You have face timed but havent met yet, right? I dont think i would have a one night stand going to his house when i have never met. You really dont know the type of guy he is. Also i had fwb in the past but with consistent friends. So this guy disappearing all the time and blaming you wouldnt do it for me. But thats just me
T from NY
If my counsel comes across frustrated please know it’s out of caring about you and all women everywhere! Why oh why would you respond to a man who chatted you up, facetimed you, then disappeared? THEN to add insult to injury – he accuses of ghosting. Don’t you see how manipulative he is? Please know men who are loud, then turn very quiet = very low interest. They were doing their best to woo you for sex (which I don’t have a problem with. Men know women need to chat and feel safe and being somewhat emotionally connected to get physical and adults can seek whatever they want) BUT it’s obvious he either found someone else he was more interested in or got busy with life but felt so little for the situation he didn’t even feel he had to explain himself.
Even casual sex, not looking for anything serious or FWB can be respectful. It really can. Don’t be any guys back pocket girl. ESPECIALLY one who comes and goes as he pleases and then berates you for being insincere. Also don’t tell men yes if you don’t have intentions on following through, that is flakey. Take time you need to make decisions. And if a guy rushes you – drop him like a hot cake.
No need to respond to his nonsense. High quality women know they don’t have to waste their energy.
Rebecca
What are you looking for? FWB or a relationship? First, figure that out and be honest to yourself about it. Second, if you want a FWB, a healthy FWB should include… friendship and respect. This guy clearly hasn’t communicated well or proven any consistency to say the least. So yes, there is a statistically high likelihood that he would disappear again, at least for long periods of time.
Also, you haven’t communicated well to him either. You wouldn’t seem like you are “waiting around” for his text, even if you point out his inconsistency of disappearing (you would come across as desperate if you scolded someone ‘why haven’t you texted?” but not if simply stated as your reason after he asked). Also, by replying “okay” to his invitation and disappearing, you were participating in your own flacky behavior. You said you were undecided, but by choosing to ignore the text and not go over there, you actually WERE decided. Your answer was “no.” So next time, either say “no” or another reply. “No” might be the end forever, so if that’s not what you meant you could go with “not tonight.” But you still would NOT be truly communicating, so better still explain why not. “I need… consistency.” “I need to meet you somewhere in public first.” “I’m looking for X.”
If you can’t explain a single thing of what you need, then that half of communication is on you. If you want to be pursued by a man, the answer isn’t… go along with his disappearing and then asking for a hookup and remain aloof throughout it. Men will “hit up” girls who seem like they don’t care, if they take it she isn’t that serious about a anything. So don’t be afraid to state what you want – or if not overtly, just internally know what you want and move on from any man who can’t provide that for you.
Based on what you said… that at the very least you want consistency… then that guy isn’t it.
Lane
Sorry but it doesn’t sound like you even qualify for a FWB but more along the lines of a “booty call” when he’s horny.
If you’re totally OK with him coming and going (aka disappearing for awhile and returning just for sex) then go forth. Sometimes people just need to try it for themselves before they can understand the advice proffered by others where many need to do/try it before they “get it”—its called the “School of Hard Knocks.”
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