Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He is close when home, but forgets me when….
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Ashley.
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Alexandria
Hey. I have been living with my boyfriend for more than a year and we have a great loving relationship were both of us feel close to each other and relaxed when we are together. When my boyfriend is home, he wants to be with me almost all the time, which I enjoy too, since we like to spend time together. He doesn’t even show interest in going out with friends when he is here, unless I go with him.
BUT…he is traveling a lot because of career and family, meaning he can be away for a few weeks up to 3 months at a time. And when he is away, it’s like he doesn’t want to have more than a minimum of contact with me and forgets that I exist.
He has told me to stay away from the social buzz, meaning that he doesn’t want me to write comments on his Facebook wall (even though I don’t write anything but nice normal stuff like his friends), this because he wants to keep his private life private when traveling for career purposes (which actually makes sense in this case for specific reasons). But he has also told me that he is tired of messaging in general, that he doesn’t want to answer people right away and maybe not for days, meaning (as I take a hint) I should not text him either unless something important. On top of that, he doesn’t call me that much either. This summer he didn’t contact me for 3 weeks at one time.
I know it has nothing to do with another woman. He does not stay at the same area and I know who he stays with, old male friends and family, and he posts pictures on Facebook so his friends can see where he is traveling and who he hangs with. I also know (at least I think unless he is a Golden Globe actor) that he loves me, he is very open about things, and he has also told me that he is focused on what he is doing and putting home behind him when over there. And when he was to leave two weeks ago, he said he didn’t really want to. He also asked me to please not change anything while he was gone (meaning that he is afraid of losing me).
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will just stay away from his Facebook totally, and I don’t even push ‘like’ on anything he posts anymore. I give him all the space in the world, and when he is home I’m not obsessed about him either. That’s not my style, and I’m really easy going as I am. I have problems dealing with needy and nagging people, and would never feel the urge to act like that.
Thing is, can someone explain to me how a guy can just forget all about his woman for so long and still act like he loves her deeply when they are together? In his world, as he has told me, I am his sanctuary, and he really wants to make a career and make me proud of him, even though he knows I am proud of him no matter what, because he has so many wonderful masculine traits that I love and appreciate, and he is just adorable; loving and perfect to me.
Neither of us are like cheesy romantic, but we have a close bond with each other being open and happy together. We have all in all the time we’ve been couple, spent like 7 months in total living together and being together every day. And we have never had a single fight or discussion or been mad or annoyed by each other. We also understand each other on a deep level, except that I can’t find this thing of forgetting me for so long to fit with the rest of the picture.
I also know that men and women are different, and that he is on a mission that makes him focused trying to accomplish whatever he needs to accomplish. But still I have problems understanding this and hope there is someone who can explain it to me so I can have total peace in my heart while he is gone.
Thank you so much, whoever takes the time to answer.
Alexandria
Lane
This is pretty normal. My (now ex) husband was in the military and would be gone for weeks/months at a time. In the beginning during the Bosnia conflict (early 90’s) we didn’t have internet, voice mail or cell phones, so if I wasn’t by the phone when he called through the base operator I didn’t know when I would hear from him next!
Even when email/cell phones came along we only reached out if there was something important to talk about, like the kids or setting up vacation when he returned. We were so busy doing other things that we didn’t need to communicate with each other much and that was OK, gave us something to talk about when we did. Mundane boring convo’s don’t help, so I actually preferred to wait two to three weeks so we could ‘catch up’ in one phone call/email and then go on about our regular routines :-)
Lagirl
I don’t agree this is normal.
What’s normal is that you both agree on a communication schedule that meets both your needs.. Not just his.
I travel a great deal for work too but I always call my husband once a day.. If even for 5 minutes.
In my last relationship my man was an entertainer and traveled almost every week. He called me. I called him every single day.
It depends on what you are comfortable with. Has he asked you?
It sounds like he has you in a compartment.. But has not fully integrated you in his life. I am not saying he is seeing other women, but when he isn’t around you he goes back to acting single.
You obviously are not happy with this r you wouldn’t post… Have you discussed with him. Are you sacrificing what you want by being the cool girl?
Aries
Yeah i wouldnt consider this type of relationships normal either. Esp trying to keep u secret on social media.
Allison
I agree wholeheartedly with the above comment about this not being normal. In today’s day and age, a text message takes all of 5 seconds to send. I mean seriously, a “:)” or “I Love You” takes no time at all.
It sounds like an “out of sight, out of mind” scenario and as the previous individual stated you need to create a communication schedule that works for the both of you.
Listen, I have been in a very long relationship (10 yr marriage, 11 yrs together) where my ex would basically do the same. And the kicker for me was that not only was he not reaching out to me, he was not contacting his kids which was not ok for me. BUT that was my situation and yours is unique to you and you need to decide your comfort threshold.
Good luck with everything and remember that communication is so key to any successful relationship. If he does’t take your feelings seriously or thinks you are “over reacting” and that he is “just busy with work”, save yourself potentially years of heartache and move on. The right guy will change his behavior immediately if he thinks he might lose you if he doesn’t.
Alexandria
Thank you so much :)
Before I came to read your answers, I broke up with him by text message (only way of communication). I discovered he had lied to me about the people he were going to meet, and kept them a secret from me. I don’t think it has to do with being in love with another woman, but as he went away for “business”, the people he is meeting are old friends of him that he parties with, and smoke weed with.
These are so called high class people, but I don’t consider smoking weed very high class or classy at all. He never smokes weed when he is here living with me, but goes to the gym instead, living a healthy lifestyle (not me telling him to do so, it’s something he enjoys doing). Seems he is more happy staying with these pot-heads having fun and partying than being here, and I guess I’m just a convenience for him, as he is not allowed to stay there for more than 3 months each time. But I have to give him credits for his efforts of being so seemingly in love with me, and so close and warm-hearted.
To bad it was not real, but I have survived much worse, and I genuinely feel that I want a trustworthy man in my life. I’m sure the right man for me is out there somewhere, so I shouldn’t waste my time on a relationship that makes me confused and sad.
Ashley
good for you girl .. I’m happy you learned the truth about him .. you don’t need someone who isn’t going to make you happy and lie to you! it’s SO not worth it
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