He is hurt because he says I do not give him enough attention??

Well to give an example I had to leave on Saturday. Then Sunday he wrote me “I miss you already” and wished me good night. I didn’t answer because I was too much thinking about defending my thesis on Monday. Monday he wrote me the whole day, wishing me good luck, supporting me and then asking how it went, etc. I was with family and I generally prefer to give attention to the people I’m with instead of being on the phone so answered shortly that it went well. Then last night he wrote me again to wish me good night and luck with studies and whether I could transfer him some money I owe him for some time already. So I did, and answered “voila, sent.” He got upset and wrote “I won’t write you again” – and that’s how the fight started and how he said he can’t stand anymore that I don’t even have the decency to say I miss him too or to show a little bit that I care instead of showing him more like if he bothers me all the time, an that I show no interest in him…

and after I read more, you seem like a man :D please, I don’t mean anything offensive, really – it’s just usually the opposite: woman texts – guy is busy so doesn’t respond – woman gets mad – guy doesn’t get it.
when I read this: “Then Sunday he wrote me “I miss you already” and wished me good night. I didn’t answer because I was too much thinking about defending my thesis on Monday.” – how hard is it to answer to such a short text? it takes 5 seconds. sure, you didn’t want to be disturbed. but I sooo understand why he felt bad. I’ve been there.

I disagree BriLyse. She is focused on her thesis and cannot be distracted by a needy boyfriend. Men do what she’s doing all the time; they get super involved in work or a project and end up neglecting their relationships for a bit until they can complete whatever it is they are working on. And the woman has to be understanding and give him space to focus on his work. It is not like this is a long term situation or she has a habit of being neglectful towards him. I’m sure once her thesis is done or if she gets to a point where she can take a break from it for a bit, she will redirect her focus to her relationship.

OP, you didn’t mention how your relationship is normally aside from you being so wrapped up in your studies. How often do you two talk and see each other?

Hello everyone,

Let’s see. I would like to answer everyone – and I appreciate everyone’s input.

I understand I’ve been cold, I know that – my question is perhaps how to approach this tonight to make him get away with that frustration.

Thank dixit. Yes it is sometimes that he is more girly and me more masculine in that sense. But really not like that when we are together, he gets plenty of attention from me. This is very short-term.

BriLyse, yes, as I said, I know I acted wrong. Unfortunately I’m someone who deals very bad with stress in the sense that I create my own bubble and I don’t really need attention because I’m too focused on my achievements. So I want to know how to make it up for him now.

Gemini, thank you for your message. Indeed, when I’ll finish my studies (this month) he would get back all my attention.
This is the whole situation: I’m now in another country because of the studies (exchange abroad). So when we see each other we stay together for a month, and then don’t see each other for one or two weeks maximum. This is the last month long-distance because the 1st of July I’m back to his city. So when we are apart, we have about one Skype every two or 3 days, and he texts me every day (perhaps he skips one day sometimes). I’m terrible with texting, not first one who says it (even my mother says so!) and he deals with it very bad. He cant stand my distance anymore.
When we are together, though, everything is wonderful and pay all the attention he needs, really not a problem in that sense.

I would just have a talk with him (if you haven’t already) laying out a timeline for him of what to expect over the next couple weeks until you wrap up your studies. He should at least be understanding of that. I still do not think you are in the wrong for focusing on something as important as your thesis and putting your relationship on the backburner for a bit. As I said before, men do it all the time and women are expected to be understanding and not complain and become needy. He should realize this is just a temporary situation and your relationship will return to normal soon.

It seems like he needs some sort of reassurance that all will be right again, so just ask for his patience over the next couple weeks and see if you can work out something where he doesn’t feel so neglected but where you can still keep your focus on finishing up your thesis.

I will say though that he is behaving a bit needy and I find it a bit concerning as for what it could mean in the future. What if you have to go away on a business trip for a while or get caught up in a work project that takes up a lot of your time… is he going to give you a hard time about that too?

BriLyse, she should not have to choose between her relationship or her education; that is simply unfair. It’s not like she’s just a shitty girlfriend on a regular basis and he’s had enough. She’s clearly working on something very important and he should be respectful of her space and quietly supportive of her until she is done. And she has still made time for him when she can. If he doubts her feelings for him because she doesn’t have time to reply to a text, then maybe he’s the one who should be reevaluating if he is able to be in a relationship.

There is nothing ok about displaying needy behavior to your partner when they really just need your support and patience. When there is a deadline in sight for something like this, then there is no reason he couldn’t have stuck it out and realized everything would be ok after she was finished.

“Then Sunday he wrote me “I miss you already” and wished me good night. I didn’t answer because I was too much thinking about defending my thesis on Monday.”

It only would have taken a minute to resond that you missed him too. I would actually be a little upset if I said that to a guy and he just ignored the text. I don’t consider myself a needy person and I am confident and can give a man space but there is a thing in relationships that is called a “bid” and psychologist study that bids for attention that get ignored more often lead to divorce. And the study suggests that reacting negatively to a bid is preferred to ignoring a bid. In this case your bf expressed his emotion to you and you ignored it and according to you more than once. I’d say study or not it’s not very loving and if you did that in a marriage it would end in divorce. Sorry if this is a concept difficult to understand but on a daily basis people have the chance to aknowlege loving words and make eye contact or they have a chance to turn away —- when you chose to turn away repeatedly from someone who loves and cares for you – you can cut the bridge of emotional connection.

It’s really not so hard to simply text back “Thank you, I miss you too, babe”

I would adore hearing loving words from a man, not ignore or turn them away. yes, your mind is on something else but so will it be the rest of your life, sometimes the people you need do in fact deserve a moment of reconginition when they bid for your love and attention.

We can agree to disagree then. Yes, she shouldn’t have ignored his texts when with family, and it does only take seconds to reply back. But I do think she has tried to maintain the relationship in other ways by spending time with him in between her studies and skyping with him on a regular basis.

I just think it’s interesting that she is considered to be in the wrong here, but any time a woman comes on this forum complaining about her boyfriend being too busy with work or whatever, she is told to give him space and be patient and not make it about her. It should go both ways.

Gemini615, not me. I dont say that too women. I give them tips on how to bring the delivery to a man when he is ignoring her, or when he’s claiming to be “too busy” but NEVER have I EVER told a woman she’s wrong for expecting her man to respond, or engage in the relationship. I tell a woman quick to start living her life, and leave him alone if he’s “too busy” to be her man. Thats simply not right, regardless of the gender. Thats why i said, if she’s too busy with her studies to be an active girlfriend, she has the right too leave him alone and finish her tasks at hand that are obviously more important to her. I dont know why you not reading that part.
Relationships require BOTH to participate and make time, if one of them cant then they need to rethink on whether a relationship is the right move at the time.
I know plently of lawyers, doctors, nurses that have to put their personal life on hold so they can achieve their life goal. They dont drop the people out of their lives, the people have lower expectations when they are not in a relationship. If we are friends, then you dont have to respond to my text, or call me back all the time, or tell me you miss me, i wont expect it. But my man, he’s different. Period

Yes Ivy, as I said, I understand I did wrong !
I’m not excusing myself, I’m now saying how can I recover those “bids” like you say in the conversation tonight. I fucked it up by been inconsiderate, and I want to make him feel appreciated and so on – but I’m VERY BAD in emotional talks such as apologising, and making him realise how much I care. So my question was more towards the direction of some inspiration – like brylise said. I’m bad at finding words to express my feelings (you can even see this by how not many understood my question lol).

Ayaros, I think what BriLyse outlined for you as far as what to say is a good starting point. Just apologize, let him know he is important to you, and like I said before just work out a timeline with him where he knows exactly what to expect over the next few weeks and maybe you guys can make arrangements to do something celebratory and special once you’ve finally wrapped up your thesis. That way you guys have something to look forward to when this is all over and life can resume back to normal.

It might also help if you ask him what his expectations are. It sounds like there was a bit of a miscommunication here where you two didn’t talk about what was to be expected before you become so immersed in school. I think you both had different expectations and didn’t voice them to each other ahead of time.

Do not mention him not being happy with you. He’s not happy with your behavior, but I don’t think he’s unhappy with your relationship overall. It’s good to talk this out now and get your expectations acknowledged and understood because again, if this happens in the future where either one of you are busy and the relationship might take a back seat for a bit, at least you can figure out a way to work together to maintain the relationship even when your lives are crazy busy. Having a plan in action is always a good idea.