he is mean to his daughter

People show you who they are by their actions. Pay attention. As to “why” he is this way towards his daughter… we can’t answer that as there is too many variables. But he’s showing you he’s capable of being critical, angry, takes his loved ones for granted. He is very likely going to start acting that way towards you someday.

So again, pay attention. ;)

I agree this is not how parenting should work but what is a bit weird to me is she says all those things about him, they argue etc but then after 10 mins she is back talking to him like nothing happened . I have a feeling him and his ex wife argued a lot and she is used to it.
She wasn’t planned and they had her when they were both quite young.
So far he has been good to me, we don’t really argue but I understand and he also knows that I can leave anytime if he starts being mean to me.

Very often when people treat others this way, once the others are out of the picture and they have no one else close to take their frustration out on, they’ll turn the same behavior towards you. So him being nice to you because you have a different role in his life for now and aren’t family quite yet doesn’t necessarily mean anything. The behavior towards his daughter is still a warning flag, and it’s also a warning flag that you’re observing how he tries to resolve major conflict but he doesn’t have the right tools and isn’t willing to learn them. If he was looking to improve their relationship, he would earnestly be trying therapy or at least taking the initiative to do some research on other solutions to try to improve their interactions, which would be a better sign than what’s happening right now.

I’d proceed with caution based on what you’ve said, think through what YOU want in a partner and what kind of values you’d like him to have and make sure the reality matches, and not make excuses for him. His daughter tries to make up with him 10 minutes later because it’s her dad and she’s a teenager, she wants a better relationship and approval from him even if she has no idea how to actually go about repairing any of this stuff. But it’s also not her responsibility to know how to fix this, she’s 14 and that’s where him being a grown adult and working with her instead of taking his emotions out on her comes in. He is the grown up, and he can make the rules, but good relationships are not about control being above all else for its own sake. Kids also need to learn good lessons from their parents to grow and to prepare them for adulthood. From your posts, it sounds like he can’t handle her not doing exactly what he says at all times (plus not otherwise knowing how to connect with a daughter), and it’s making him miserable. So what’s happening now is not a sustainable approach unless he wants them both to stay miserable and have a bad relationship going forward.

Khadija is also completely right in that you need to keep in mind that if this relationship is long-term for you, they are a package deal. So don’t overstep your role right now since he’s the parent not you, but you can still tell him how you feel about it since you’re at a breaking point about spending time together with them both. You won’t be able to totally stay at a distance from spending time with them together forever if you continue to get more serious with him.

One of the reasons I love my guy is because of the way he treats his kids. Patient, consistent, teaches them life lessons and helps them learn how to “adult” using humor, example, wisdom. They come to him for advice and he always makes time for them. Admirable qualities in a person (in my opinion).

The guy you are with … how are the qualities you mentioned he displays admirable in any way? Is it easy for you to overlook because it’s not directed at you?