Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He Isn't Affectionate, and It's Killing Me
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 8 years ago by
Jamie.
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wondering
I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months. We are recent college graduates. He is a truly wonderful man who I click with on many levels, and I can see a future with him (we have talked about it, but don’t want to rush things).
My problem is that I am always the one initiating affection. He isn’t a very touchy-feely person and this is probably the most serious relationship he’s ever had, so he says he is learning, and I believe that. But I am a very affectionate person, and it’s hard for me to feel like I’m more into him than he is into me. I realize he could just show it differently than I do – but it’s still very difficult for me to always be the one reaching out.
How do I deal with this?
Hannah
This isn’t going to change. It sounds like he’s not the one for you I’m afraid. He is how he is, you can either accept it or walk away.
Nat
I agree that this will not change.
But before you walk away from a good guy, look at other things, especially at other things that are important to you. If everything else is good, if he treats you nicely, cares about you, does not play games, honest, loyal, you have things in common, he will be a good provider, etc etc. then I would accept that I will be the one to cuddle up to him first, ask him for hugs and kisses myself, set up “sex dates” via texts, etc. You need to remember you are not going to get a prince charming who would have all important qualities you want. Something has to give, you just need to decide what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
Georgia
This will only change if he wants it to. I have very deep attachment issues and for the first 38 years of my life physical touch did nothing for me. I knew I had to give hugs, etc because I am intelligent and picked up on social norms. However, it took two years of therapy and identifying the problem for that to change. I had to learn to associate comfort, safety, caring, and playfulness with touch. Now I am a big-time hugger and my last bf told me I was the most affectionate and responsive woman he’s had. It took a lot of conscious work on my part. So I’m not hopeful it will change for you, but it isn’t impossible.
Lane
Most men aren’t this way, so unless you want to date a woman, I would RESPECT the differences that a man provides and just cuddle up when you need one.
Some men after sex can’t STAND being touched (roll over) as their testosterone levels are really low and they need time to build it up before they can touch again. Each man is different but if the good outweighs the bad then you should really focus on the good qualities because once you start nitpicking one thing, then it will be another and another… Once man feels like he can no longer make you happy, because your not happy with HIM…he will begin the process of disconnecting and leave you for a woman who can accept him as he is, warts and all.
wondering
Thank you all for your replies. I was in another long-term relationship with someone who was touchier and I think I got used to that. He and I also grew and changed and adapted to each other, so maybe that will happen here too.
My guy is a bundle of energy and is kind of all over the place, a not sit still kind of person. It’s one of the things I like about him, but I think that’s part of why he doesn’t like the slowness and cuddling as much. I’m willing to accept that, it’s just the insecurity that comes with it (i.e. “If he doesn’t show affection, he must not feel the kind of intimacy I do for him”).
Jen
Aspergers….???
T from NY
I know me and I could not live and flourish and be happiest without a partner who at least sometimes initiated physical touch. It’s as important to me in the relationship as respect communication sex and everything else. I had a 20 marriage to a man who was (at least at first) a very nice guy!!! BUT he did not touch me. He did not hold or cuddle me. He did respond positively at times to my need for touch.
It was miserable and I eventually left for other reasons — but lack of physical intimacy way high on the list. My current partner of over a year is loving and affectionate (though he sometimes jokes how much I like to touch but he puts up with it ;-) Physical touch for me is like needing air or water. It is a balm.
Touchy, feely men do exist. Only you can decide how vital it is for you.
Jamie
You need to decide if it is a deal breaker for you. It would be for me. Before you leave him though, try talking about this and see if he is willing to chance. My bestie’s hb used to be terrified of pda but she talked to him about it and he completely changed. So guys can change, it just doesn’t happen that much…
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