He keeps asking what I want from him?

December,

Please do not ever let a man tell you he is into women with traits that you do not have, whether it be a leg guy, a boob guy, a guy who likes tiny women, a guy who likes tall women, a guy who likes blondes… etc… That and that alone would have me telling this guy to go f— his sock drawer. Nobody with an ounce of compassion or maturity says that to someone they supposedly care about. He is a total mind f— and a predator. You are rationalizing every single thing that has taken place. There are plenty of big hearted men out there who are wonderful in bed and will not leave you feeling used and empty. Please don’t do this to yourself.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I looked at it, and it felt very true to me. It was actually funny. I had dinner with him last night, and as he was talking, I looked at him and thought, “you don’t deserve me”. A million guys would give anything to be with me, and here he is making me feel like I am somehow flawed. He keeps talking about how sexy super fit women are, and my goal is to be super fit, so for a while it felt like encoragement to stick to my goal. I go to the gym every day and lift heavy weights and eat an extremely clean diet. I am a size 4/6 with a flat stomach and firm legs. But I couldn’t help but have the thought that he thinks making me feel bad about myself will keep me from realizing how awesome I am. I even told him that if he doesn’t think I am up to par physically, he is free to find someone who is. His response, “Who am I here with?” As though that should make me feel special. Anyway, I don’t know if it is becuse I have been on here reading these responses or if I am just in a bad mood, but I left last night feeling like I was so over it and him. We will see how long it lasts. He really wants me to come to an important event for him tonight, and I am debating whether to show my support for his business or just find an excuse and be done with it.

OK, so I have one last thing that has been on my mind today. Last night after I had those realizations about him making me feel bad, I was leaving and mentioned to another woman who was talking to us that there was a really hot trainer at the gym where she works. She knew who I was talking about and agreed that he is eye candy. The guy I am with walked to his truck, and told me I was being mean. I askd what he meant and he said that I accused him of calling me fat. And I hadn’t said that during our conversation last night. So…I assumed he didn’t like me drooling over another male in the way that he drools over females. Anyway, he then kissed me quickly (he never has kissed me out in the open).

I was still annoyed when I drove home. I got home and saw I had missed a call from him (he has never called me. We always text.) I texted to ask why he called and he said to make sure I made it home safe. Which didnt make a lot of sense because usually he tells me to text him to let him know I made it.

Anyway, why would he suddenly call me like that? It wasn’t a booty call because he was headed to work. I just really don’t get the game.

No joke on the complicated part. I have ended it half a dozen times only to end up back with him. I told him I couldn’t see him for two weeks (I’m prepping to move), and he has already lured me away twice in the last week. Not even for sex. Just to talk. Then he sent me a random funny meme on FB, just through my inbox, like we share funny things with each other all the time.

The odd thing too is that he is almost 50 and has adult children and granchildren. You’d think he would not act so childish.

So, it is proving difficult to distance myself from this guy. Last night I had a dinner out with some friends, and he knew about it because I’d mentioned it the day before. At exactly the same time I was supposed to meet my friends, he waltzes in to place a “To Go” order. I walked over and said hi, then went back to my table and my friends. I didn’t see him leave (we were in a private room), and he didn’t say bye. But when it came time to pay my check, apparently he had already taken care of it. My friends were all confused about me not getting a bill and I really couldn’t explain it. I texted him and said thank you. Then I felt bad about skipping the event he wanted me to come to, so I stopped by for an hour, then went home. He was busy, so I just waved as I left.

You need to get some willpower. STOP putting this on him, making it seem like he’s luring you in and has some magical power over you to draw you back in. You’re taking small instances of things and using them as excuses to go back to him. He’s not the one luring you in, you’re the one finding reasons to stay with him. Yes, he maybe be putting in a smidge more effort to hook you, but he’s only manipulating you into coming back when he feels like your distancing yourself, and you’re weak enough to keep falling for it.

If you’re not happy with the way things are, then you need to step back and figure out what you want, what your boundaries are, and assess whether or not he measures up. It sounds like he doesn’t, and I agree with the other ladies that he sounds very immature, especially for his age.

You need to take some responsibility here and realize that YOU are the one keeping yourself stuck in this situation with a man who isn’t giving you what you want and deserve.

Well, you all are pretty much right. I’m not ready for a relationship. Not a real one. I must love the agony of the uncertain and unknown. And I do know that I allow all of the behaviors to happen. I don’t even know what my real plan is here.

Last night he and I were texting. It turned to sexting (I initiated that part completely without prompt. I love writing the kinds of things I’m too shy to say, and I’m a really good creative writer). In the middle of a very graphic description of what I would do to him, he suddenly breaks out of it and questions my use of the “F” word. He says that is not a word he would use to describe what we do (even though we use it frequently in the bedroom). I tell him my fantasy, my rules and he suddenly is asking me where I hope this thing with us is leading. I tell him I have no hopes or plans. I am enjoying it one day at a time, and I have no long term plans. He asks, “well, what if I do?”. I said, “You have long term plans with me?” and he said, “Yes.”

And in the moment after he said yes, before I responded, I panicked. I didn’t want him to confess anything to me. I didn’t want to hear him say that he wanted to be with me. So I took my time and said, “oh”. And then, “What are these plans?” And he responded that they weren’t specific but they involve me.

I changed the subject back to a teasing state and then said I had to get to bed.

I’m kind of a little confused. I mean, I don’t understand why he keeps bringing it up like that. I’m trying to continue in a normal, straight forward, what happens, happens, and he keeps bringing up the “where is this going” thing.

And yes, I do like him. I am uptight and try so hard to be proper and smart and put together. He calls me on it when I’m being high strung and he brings me back to the present. He calms me when I’m stressing. He pays attention to what I say and remembers everything. He doesn’t let me get away with half truths or being vague. He knows whether I need to laugh or if I need a hug. Everyone I know always sees me as so strong and put together. He is the first person to not only see through the facade but to embrace the flaws and encourage me to accept them as part of who I am. I know this sounds all psychobabbly, but it is why I appreciate him so much.