Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He needs space
- This topic has 43 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
tammy.
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Tallspicy
Just so you understand. I met a man on match and we were supposed to go out. He sadly fell down his stairs on july 4th and badly hurt his back, and has been in deep pain and needs surgery.
He, who I have never met, has tried to meet me and has been in contact every 4-5 days and told me exactly what is happening.
Do I ever reach out first? No. Do I wait for him? Of course not, we never met. But this man can stay in touch with me, so can yours, even if he cant see you.
Get it?
Tallspicy
Stop waiting and if he comes back, great! If not, you deserved better. And if he comes back… did you deserve better???
That is it
Ewa
he did told me he needs couple of weeks. I know that it will take 6 weeks for his finger to heal . But he has been constantly injured since may so I am guessing it puts him down. In fact he even said that to me that he feels like a burden and push people away. He also told me he will speak to me soon.
I was there after his first surgery we spent weekend together and it was bad. He was in constant pain and as soon as he took his pills he was asleep. He couldn’t even go to work because of it.
And to me it doesn’t really make sense seeing him right now anyway. We are both active and like exploring but he can’t do any of it at the moment. On top of it he’s got money issues
I would love to hear from him but texting everyday about work or how are you it’s pointlessLiz Lemon
Ewa, you’re right that there are men out there who would just say it’s over, rather than saying he needs space. This guy did not do that, however.
You are also right that there are people who change their social media photos for attention, although men do that much less than women. I tend to doubt that this guy changed his photo to send you some kind of subliminal message.The point is, you’re wasting your time and energy trying to guess this guy’s motives. You’re looking for clues to figure him out when he’s already made things very clear to you. He does not want to see you. He has not made any indication of wanting to see you anytime soon. He is not even staying in touch with the occasional text or update on his health (the way that the guy Tallspicy described is). He has cut you off, basically. It’s been 4 months of dating, that’s an important milestone, it’s the point where many guys decide whether they want a relationship with a woman. A guy who wanted a relationship with you would not be acting this way at 4 months. He would not leave you confused and wondering and stalking his Whatsapp photo for clues.
I agree that you should not give him any kind of response to changing his photo. You’ll look like a stalker. I know it’s hard not to have some kind of formal breakup after months of dating but the best thing you can do right now is let go. Give the guy the space he asked for. He may or may not come back. If he doesn’t come back, it’s his loss. If he does come back, would you even want to be with a guy who treated you this way, honestly?
Liz Lemon
We cross-posted, I just read your last update…..this guy has money issues and long term health issues. He is not a good prospect for a relationship. I agree with you that texting daily would be pointless, he sounds like he’s in very bad shape and not in a good place in his life. So don’t fixate on him anymore, start dating other guys.
Newbie
You are weirdly infatuated (not in a sense that its uncommon, in fact its very common but almost always a sign you have fallen too fast for the wrong guy) and not willing to give up. But if i look at your timeline you had 5 months and 4 months of them he had issues. Im just wondering whats so great about him to latch on like this. Im sure he is not a bad man, but a guy who doesnt let you in, who doesnt talk to you at the moment, who didnt take true steps to make you his gf. Because saying this is being in a relationship when you are having an argument to me is not a good sign. Could be he cant commit. You Have got to find ways to get this guy out of your head. At least a big part of your head. Try with the mantra: i wont care for a care if he doesnt care for me.
I dont know what the future holds either but i fear its not good like tall also statedEwa
It’s not that . I have been single for 5 years and I have finally met the guy who I clicked with. Everything was great until he started injuring himself and even a week ago he was messaging and calling telling me his is grateful I am so patient that he really likes me and has not liked anyone like this in a really long time ( he’s been single for 5 years too)
He was cancelling plans with his friends and family to see me and then after the first surgery he was happy it will now heal and all will be fine but then 2 weeks later they told him it’s not healing and he has to walk with an open wound and go back to have a surgery every 2 weeks.
No man want to be seen unhappy and I want to date someone who is in a good position in his life to date me . He isn’t at the moment and I know that but still it’s hard to just forget.
Also he wasn’t like other guys I’ve met he was buying me flowers always paying for dinner. He is not attention seeker on social media.
But I have also recently find out that he has some anger issues . He beaten someone up really badly to the point where he had a court order not to leave the country. He also has that thing where while driving he shouts at everyone. He even shouts at people when for example he is buying something and things are too expensive
I think I need to open my eyesTallspicy
Finally!
Liz Lemon
I think you do need to open your eyes but I’m glad it seems like you are starting to do it. On top of everything else — his flaky behavior during this illness, his money problems– he has anger issues. He shouts at people when driving and in the store, and has a court order not to leave the country because he beat someone up!
Listen, I had a boyfriend who was abusive. He started out amazing. Guys with anger and abuse issues always start out amazing, that’s how they get women hooked. We clicked immediately, he was sweet, loving, he bought me flowers, other girls used to tell me how lucky I was because he was so wonderful to me. But he had anger issues and they started to come out when we had been dating for a few months. He started directing his anger at me. Eventually it led to physical abuse. You don’t want to date a guy with anger issues, believe me, because he will eventually turn it against you!
I understand you’ve been single for 5 years and it feels wonderful to meet a guy you think you’ve clicked with. But you have to understand reality. There are so many problems here, for starters, this guy is not even consistent with you, he does not want to make you his girlfriend after 4-5 months of dating, he is cutting you off and telling you he wants space. But on top of all that he has serious anger issues. This guy is NOT someone you want to pursue a relationship with.
I think it’s wonderful that you felt a strong connection with this guy because it shows you that it’s possible to find connection. But he is not relationship material. If you found a connection with him, you can connect with another guy– a guy who is emotionally healthy and ready to make you his girlfriend. You deserve that. So take this experience as a learning experience, and let him go.
Ewa
he just messaged he wants to end it completely. Apparently his old love has messaged him and he decided to give here a chance
Newbie
Are you serious? That must be a big cold shower for you, im really sorry about that. But dont let this get to you. You have no idea of knowing this was your match. In fact i think most here felt he was not. You will realIze that over time. These fast infatuations are really the worst. Usually they come over you when you dont feel all that. At least you are free now but i doubt this ex suddenly jumped out of the cake. Thats the problem with wanting a guy too bad: you dont really know him. Plus he is a clutch anyway. Take care, i feel for you, dont beat yourself up over it
Newbie
I like to add one more point. And because its fresh it may come across as harsh. Its not meant like that but its the most common fault women make with men. The fact he was so eager to try again with ex (although im not even 100% sure its true) after ample time shows you he was not that invested in you emotionally yet. Because he has no issues now breaking it off. That is exactly why you should be wary of what a guy says and does first two months and keep a clear head about it. Guys attach in a different way. They can woo for months, pay and show up and suddenly change their minds. Liz made a reference to that. Check 7 stages a guy Falls in love. So while you spend all that time thinking his ego couldnt handle seeing you, he wasnt all that invested. The best way is to wait and see how it goes with low expectations and let him do the work. You will know it when you met the guy who will do this consistently on a every day bases
Ewa
at least I know now
Ewa
Hello again!
I know you had some good advice in the past so here I am again :)
it’s been 2 weeks since that news came out and I’ve been doing great, almost completely forgot about it all, but then last 2 days I keep thinking how could someone lie all this time, he has hidden the fact that he was dating someone last year and probably many other things.
he called me after 2 months into dating that he really wants to have kids and when I said I am not ready yet because I barely know him he almost started crying and told me he is disappointed, surely that is not normal, I felt like he isn’t looking for a gf, he just wanted someone to give him kids.
I let him go obviously as he is now back with his ex and I do not want him back because I know he is not good for me, however sometimes all those memories come back and I feel pretty used, which makes me sad.
I started talking to other guys, even went on a date , but I feel like I cannot be bothered anymore…Liz Lemon
Hi Ewa, I think it’s normal that you’re having negative feelings. The first couple of weeks it probably had not really hit you yet, but now it’s hitting you and you are realizing things. Everything is still very fresh.
This is a guy you really liked and dated for 4-5 months. That’s significant, especially because you said it was the first guy you’d clicked with in 5 years, right? So you need time to process what happened. Two weeks is nothing, give yourself more time. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, but don’t get trapped in a cycle of negative thinking or cling to memories of this guy. You have to allow yourself to feel it, but also let it go and leave it in the past. It’s hard, I know, but you’ll learn from this and get stronger.
We have all had heartbreaks and disappointments that felt terrible at the time, but after a bit of time and distance, felt grateful that the relationship ended (I know I have!)
I would not rush into talking to or dating more guys at this moment. Give yourself a couple of months off, at least, to work through all your feelings on this.
And yes, it’s a huge red flag that this guy told you he wanted kids after 2 months of dating! That’s not a logical, healthy, or reasonable thing to ask after 2 months. So I think this guy had a lot of issues (don’t forget the anger problems! and his money problems), and you are definitely better off without him.
Liz Lemon
Oh, and on a practical level: Get busy with other things, instead of dating. See your friends, start exercising (running, yoga, whatever), focus on your hobbies, do some volunteering, maybe take a short trip/vacation. It really helps to focus on other things and not sit around thinking about what went wrong. Taking a break from dating is important because you won’t be truly open to a connection with another guy until you have purged this guy from your system :-)
Ewa
I know dating is probably not good for me right now :) and if I am honest even though I do get sad sometimes I know me and this guy wanted different things in life.
what makes me angry is the fact that I have been lied to from the beginning , because he has hidden the fact he was dating someone last year or maybe even this year and now I feel like everything he told me was one big lie.but I read other stories on here and really I should be glad that mine ended this quickly :)
Newbie
Yeah i understand your process. I cant help you much it. You have to go through it. I do believe though that good men dont need to lie. So there is your future blessing. I do believe you were too nice in the beginning already making it all about his pain. So i hope thats someting to dislearn. And be busy with your future. The lies itself will always remain hard to understand. Take care
tammy
i have stepped in late. but it was so obvious to me as an outsider on reading the earlier posts that the guy wasn’t coming back. the OP got logical and sensible advice but she wasn’t ready to let go. M glad you finally got your closure from the horses mouth so to speak. though it was over long time back. its now that your beginning to see that. just let go and try moving on. no point trying to find out details when hes already told you its over. Your research shld have ideally happened when you started seeing him initially. its pointless now. just think of things this way. u dodged a bullet.
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