Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He Needs THERAPY??
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 1 year, 6 months ago by
Emily.
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lee
I asked bf of 1.5 years a question: what steps did you take to heal from your exwife and the divorce. He said he moved on and pushed it out of his head. I’m worried he hasn’t processed and that he may have feelings still, even though he says he doesn’t. She’s tried to throw him in jail and has neglected their two kids. She’s also remarried and still keeping him from seeing his kids. What should I do? I’m in love with him but this sudden discovery this me worried.
Raven
Why are you looking for things to be unhappy about?
Maddie
What’s the sudden discovery? You’ve been with him a year and a half and knew their history. Nothing new has happened. Has he changed in how he shows up for you and treats you?
lee
Yes. Things have gotten way worse. What I’ve described in the initial post is what’s transpired in the last few months. The ex won’t let him see his kids. Trying to get hi thrown in jail. I knew she was a witch, but he was seeing his children regularly and there were no problems. NOw it’s like she’s woken up or something and trying to make his life miserable out of nowhere.
Raven
Why would he need therapy for her behavior? Is he fanning the fire?
Natz
I understand you feel concerned for him and want to support him. However, whatever the issue he is having with his ex wife should be dealt with legally in cases like this. Because he has a right to see his children especially if he signed their birth certificates.
You mentioned jail threats, so is he paying his child support? Don’t be too quick to judge the ex. If she’s now remarried, it is safe to say that she has moved on and has no reason not to let the father of her kids see the children, infact she would want that more than anything as many Moms complain that the fathers neglect their kids after divorce or break up. However, I do know that lots of women withheld child visitation when the fathers are not financially contributing to the children or if the father’s lifestyle is not healthy for them. So if he is contributing fair and square, and he has a good environment to take the kids, him seeing them will easily be solved through legal formalities.
That said, whatever situation regarding the children is going on with him it should not affect your relationship. You mentioned you’re concerned he may still have feelings for his ex. Why does it look like so to you? What is he doing to make you feel that way all of a sudden? Is he being overly nice to the ex so that she will soften up and allow visitation and not have him thrown in jail? Could be.
Tell him to take care of his responsibilities and if he is, he should not be afraid to fight to see his kids. What are the kids ages? If they are old enough to own phones, he can contact them via facetime to see them for now to let them know he is present. I can see where he may be feeling depressed and thinking he’s a failure and missing his children but again this issue should not affect your relationship to think he needs therapy over the divorce. Unless… So give us more details on how he treats YOU.
lee
I’ve seen his bills. He’s up to date. Even has a notice from family court that he’s paid up. He’s gone to court, me with him, and the judge has told the ex she is wrong and ordered her to let him have his kids for 2 weeks in the summer. When pick up time arrived she didn’t show up. For the holidays he didn’t see them. The mother instead went to the police and filed a report saying he didn’t pick them up. It’s a mess. And it wasn;t this bad when we first started. So I’m confused.
On top of this the schools have told us the children are neglected physically and now falling behind in school severely. He never would’ve known had I not pushed him to find out.
I feel he still has feelings because to me he’s not fighting hard enough. And I’m wondering why she’s so angry. He can’t recall why he loved her, how things ended or anything. He lied and said they never got back together but then fessed up a year later saying they did. That he didn’t want me to judge him. So he lied about that. He tells his sister that he can’t fix her flaws. That was an answer to his sis asking if he’s taking her back to court since she hasn’t let him see the children in a month, again.
Also, they haven’t spoken in 3 years. All pick up and drop offs are arranged by the aunt. I didn’t know the extent of this until a year into our romantic relationship. Now that I”m in love and our families love eachother this is happening and I”m loosing respect for him.mama
Are you losing respect for how he’s [not] handling the situation? He needs a lawyer on retainer, he needs to enforce the custody agreement and he’s not doing any of those things.
Regardless, it’s not your circus. You can choose to support him emotionally and give advice (if asked for), but you can’t fight the battle for him. Also keep in mind he is showing how he deals with challenges in his life — he kind of rolls over and lets it happen. You might want to take a look at that part (how he handles challenges)more closely because that’s how he will handle future challenges in life.
lee
@mama SPOT ON!!!!
THANK YOU!!!AngieBaby
How old are these kids? If they’re young, this situation could go on for years. Personally, I won’t date men with an open legal issue with an ex, especially a custody battle. They aren’t all there in your relationship, they can’t be.
Also, are you sure he’s as innocent as he’s saying? There are two sides to every story. While it’s possible she really is just being a pain and he’s done nothing wrong, often there’s more to it than you’re hearing.
And now he’s lying to you about big things. I have developed zero tolerance for people who lie with the excuses of “I was afraid you’d judge or reject me, I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to upset you.” That’s so weak – total failure to take responsibility for their end of the relationship. Close relationships require trust and that requires truth. If someone can’t come to me and say, I have something to tell you and I’m fearful of your response but I have to tell you anyway, then I haven’t got time for them. They aren’t evolved enough yet for a real adult level relationship.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but whether you love him or not, this isn’t going anywhere good and the longer you stay in it, the more of your time you waste you can’t get back. This is not your circus not your monkeys as another poster put it. Relationships aren’t supposed to be a circus. You deserve a lot better – are you going to go for it?
Liz Lemon
It’s strange to me that things have escalated this way in the past few months, when they have been separated/divorced for years (you said they haven’t spoken in 3 years). Even in a high conflict divorce, the drama generally dies down after a few years. Especially when both parties have moved on (she’s remarried, he’s in a relationship with you). To have this level of drama suddenly start up seemingly out of nowhere doesn’t add up (you said “she’s trying to make his life miserable out of nowhere”). So I feel like there’s more to this story.
I agree with what the other commenters have said. He’s showing you who he is and how he deals with conflict. If she’s keeping him from his kids all of a sudden (you said there was no problem before), and denying his court appointed custody time, he should have contacted a lawyer immediately. If the school is telling him the children are “neglected physically”, then he should be trying to get custody. He’s too passive in all this. I’d lose respect for him too, if I were in your shoes.
Emily
This situation sounds like a headache. Everyone has a different tolerance, but I personally would not date or have patience for someone who’s personal life was in this state.
Emily
*whose
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