Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He offered to go take care of his ex (he wanted to marry) who has fallen ill?
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KarinaDogLover.
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Jesseca
We started seeing each other in February. He lives 10 hours away but his family lives in the same city as me. He came up to be with his family that he hasn’t seen in almost 6 months for Mother’s Day. He is planning on staying for 2 weeks, so we’ve made plans to see each other a few times while he’s visiting his family.
Anyways his ex girlfriend fell ill and I overheard them talking on FaceTime at 7 am yesterday. I heard him say I can come take care of you if you want. She said it was nice but she wouldn’t want to take time away from being with his family. After they get off the call he sends her a voice message saying, “if you start to feel worse or don’t get better soon let me know and I’ll come back to take care of you”. I saw her response that said, “aww you’re so sweet I’ll definitely let you know”. Well later that day she told him she’d take him up on his offer. He told her he’d keep her posted because he planned on being out here for 2 weeks. Then I saw that her mom texted him saying she appreciated him coming to take care of her. Her mom told him that she didn’t know he was visiting family so not to worry about it and to enjoy his summer. I saw that he replied to her mom with, “ I’ll be back in a week or so and will do whatever I can to make sure she’s okay and feeling better”.
Their backstory:
-together for 2 years
-wanted to marry her
-they broke up in late November
-they don’t follow each other on social media; I’ve seen him check her profile and stories a quite a few times but I chalked it up to curiosity because it’s normal to be curious about an ex
-no children– the 10 hour drive is back to where he lives. He and the ex live in the same city.
-her family is 2 hours away
-I don’t know exactly what’s wrong but I overheard her say something about being in a lot of pain because of her kidneys and she recently got out of he hospital
-Their breakup: They had an argument, broke up, she slept with someone while broken up, he asked her and she told him the truth, he didn’t handle it well according to him, so she kicked him to the curb. He said that she left him.
I’m not sure what to make of this?
Raven
Nope, next!
Maddie
Did you meet online and not meet in person until this past week? You’ve been having an LDR with someone who is 3 months out of a serious 2 year relationship?
He doesn’t sound ready to move on to something new or serious, probably won’t be for several months (or more) yet. Especially if he feels she left him. I’m legitimately friends with some of my exes and I’d never up and leave my family if I traveled 10 hours to see them to go take care of one. I’d check in on the phone while I was gone, and see if I could visit or help out a little bit when I got back (if they had been hospitalized). But they should have other people in their lives who can actually take care of them besides a recent ex.
What are you looking for? If it’s a relationship with an emotionally available man that can get serious, this isn’t it.
It’s also not normal to observe a new potential boyfriend checking his ex’s social media. If they’re ready to move on and are into you, they don’t want you getting the wrong idea or pushing you away. If they are curiously occasionally checking on the ex, they certainly won’t do it when you’re around. You seem to be very aware about what’s going on with his phone, he’s openly showing you what he’s doing and all the responses?
Liz Lemon
How did you meet this guy, if he lives 10 hours away? How often do you see each other in person? He’s in town for 2 weeks and you say “we’ve made plans to see each other a few times while he’s visiting his family”– a few times? What does that even mean? You’re his girlfriend, so he’s going to take you out on a few dates while he’s in town? That seems strange. I understand he’s seeing his family but he should be spending a significant amount of time with you, if you’re his girlfriend- not just seeing you a few times.
I’d be really uncomfortable with the situation you describe. They had a long term serious relationship (they were talking marriage), that ended only 6 months ago. That’s not a lot of time to get over a breakup necessarily. It sounds like they’re still extremely attached to each other (why are they FaceTiming at all?! And at 7 am?!). Why is she confiding in HIM about her illness? He’s an ex. Doesn’t she have friends she can call?
She said “she wouldn’t want to take time away from being with his family.” What about taking time away from you? Does she know he’s dating you? Has he kept you a secret from her?
Overall like I said, I would not be comfortable with this situation at all. He lives 10 hours away from you, what are you hoping to accomplish with this guy? I think it would be better to date someone locally who doesn’t have a clingy ex, in my opinion.
Jesseca
Maddie,
I met him months ago when I was out in his city. We’ve seen each other about once a month since.
Here’s the thing though, he isn’t trying to cut his trip short. He told her mom he planned on being here for the 2 weeks and that he’d be back in a week or so. So isn’t that him trying to be a good friend to his ex since he’s waiting to get back, like the scenario you mentioned above?
Jesseca
Liz,
That’s the thing I don’t think his ex is clingy, I was hoping she was though. She never asked him to come take care of her.
Plus, I do know last month his friends sent him a screenshot of her dating profile. He in turn sent the screenshot to his ex and said he hopes she finds what she’s looking for.
As for if she knows about me? She does. I overheard her say something like “oh you’re going out with her tomorrow? You’re going to sleep with her aren’t you?”. He said, “I’m not going to lie to you I may sleep with her”.
Gaia
Full stop. This man seems to still be in love with his ex. There are a lot of flags here that are yellow and red. I don’t think even the kindest of guys would rush to an ex’s side during an illness especially if they were the one dumped. Both Maddie and Liz asked the questions I was thinking while reading your post.
I’m sorry but you can do better.
Liz Lemon
“I overheard her say something like “oh you’re going out with her tomorrow? You’re going to sleep with her aren’t you?”. He said, “I’m not going to lie to you I may sleep with her”.
–Surely you can see how grossly inappropriate it is for them to be having this conversation? She is is very recent ex! Why is she asking him about who he’s sleeping with, and why is he telling her?
“last month his friends sent him a screenshot of her dating profile. He in turn sent the screenshot to his ex and said he hopes she finds what she’s looking for.”
–Again, BOUNDARIES. These two have no boundaries! She’s a recent ex, they just broke up, and they are clearly not over each other yet because they can’t let go. Neither one of them should be concerning themselves with who the other one is sleeping with or what the other one is doing on a dating site.
I would not be dating a guy who had such weak boundaries with his ex. Especially a guy who lives 10 hours away. It’s very, very difficult for LDRs to succeed (I’ve had a few), and it’s even harder when the relationship begins as an LDR (that is, you don’t have an established relationship & know each other before going long distance).
The fact that he’s not cutting his trip short for this woman is meaningless. They’re too involved. You know something is wrong with their interactions, or you wouldn’t be posting here.
Maddie
No. My exes who are friends, we gave ourselves space and it was neither instant friendship nor people I was so serious with I thought I’d marry. He offered to leave, then she told him not to, so he’s staying. He’s got major boundary issues from all the details you’ve posted (both with her and with you), and I highly doubt he’s ready to date seriously or put you first. Be careful with how attached you get before he proves you’re the priority to him.
Gaia
Just saw your responses and damn… they definitely didn’t make things better. Why are you seeing this guy? Why are you ok with him having this much interaction with an ex? Where are your boundaries? I’d have flipped out if I heard him say “I’m not going to lie to you I may sleep with her” and been like oh no you f***ing won’t be!
Jess
Cappygyal/ Em… we’ve all told you this guy is using you. He does not want you and you’ve been told this, yet you try to convince yourself it’s not true. His ex will always come first.
I’m starting to think this is all a joke.
Maddie
Oh gosh, Jess, yes, it is the same poster, isn’t it. Thanks.
cupcake
Yes i remember your posts too. You flew yourself to him for valentines just after you met, even tho it was clear his interest was limited and he s still hung up on the ex?! no?
I told you back then, that you are a rebound and easy sex for him (which fell on deaf ears).But after reading through your posts here, i dont think you are even that. I think you are a way to make his ex jealous. She hooked up with someone after they broke up, now he is doing likewise.
These two arent really broken up, they seem to be on a break more than anything. I bet you within the year they will be back together and the marriage will be back on
There isn’t even the slightest indication that he puts you or your needs above hers or even considers you in his decisions.
I would tell you to leave now. Move on. But you won’t. So i wish you the best and hope you ll get over the heartbreak this will cause you.
Newbie
Clearly you are not listening to any advice and only concerned with getting the man.
But you can play detective on his en ex every move, but what about his every move towards you? You are going out since februari once a month, so thats 3 or 4 encounters and if this is his first time visiting his home town must mean you went to him the previous times. Now he came to visit his family and arranged to see you now and then in between. If you are honest does this say this man is in love with you? Thats the only status you need to check and if a man is in love you, he is not face timing an, offering to help, at least not without checking up with his sp, gf, meaning you.
The sad truth about this is you have a lower status in his life than the ex. And you should act accordingly, meaning go have gun with other people instead of dragging this horse to water. Does he like you? Im sure he does. But thats not good enough for you isnt it? You want this man to be you bf. So dont settle for lessEwa
I think your problem is, that you want to be like his ex, you can’t understand why he is constantly choosing her over you and in your head you are probably thinking why it can’t be me why can’t I have him but she can.
you need to let it go because it will consume you. He is not over her and is clear as day that he would do anything for her. His ex is not innocent either because she knows it and is playing games with him .
Have some self respect because this is going nowhere.Jesseca
Newbie,
I did go to him the previous times. I flew out in February and then drove to him in March, and now he’s here.
If you’re saying he likes me aka has feelings for me then why do you think that it won’t work out? I just didn’t think he was putting her needs above mine because he’s not cutting his trip short to go take care of her, he only offered.
Sam
Him and his ex aren’t over. They clearly still have feelings and haven’t let go of each other.
I suggest walking away now or you will definitely end up hurt.
Ewa
question you should be asking is why do you want him so badly? why are you accepting someone who is constantly in touch with his ex?
Liz Lemon
Why do you keep posting here repeatedly (and under different names, which is against forum rules), if you don’t want to take the advice offered into consideration? If you’re convinced this guy “likes” you so much, why do you feel the need to keep coming back here for advice you won’t even take?
As I stated previously, you know something isn’t right with this guy and his ex or you wouldn’t be here asking these questions.
Newbie
Jessica likes you is not Aka has feelings for you. Thats the problem. You keep comparing yourself to the ex and the problems with the ex are quite clear. Now youre telling yourself he likes you more because he hasnt flew out to take care of the ex. He is not in your city to see you. He is there to see his family and you on the side.
Your problem is you dont know how a guy in love with you acts. Even when there was no ex, you aint it. You arre waisting your time and been warned numerous times. Ou ignore it. Thats all fiair, your choise. But looking for a guy who wants you, not just in bed now and then, but to have by his side, every day, who cant get enough of you, who wants to reach out to you day by day by his own choice. Thats the guy to look forNewbie
And explain how he is putting your needs above hers? All you heard was bu accident and he is putting his family needs and his needs to be with his family first. You are not even in the picture
Newbie
Sorry for the typo’s. Im wearing a mask and glasses in a train. Its not perfect
Liz Lemon
I just re-read the original post….jeez. He’s checking out his ex’s social media constantly. He’s in touch with his ex’s mother, for pete’s sake (who stays in touch with an ex’s MOM after they break up?), and telling her mother that he will take care of her. There are so many enormous red flags here, OP, but you are choosing not to see them.
Liz Lemon
Also, what Newbie just said
Lane
Well it sounds like you’re going to dig in your heels, and stick it out, which is your right choice to do.
You have to know he doesn’t love you because he’s is still in love with her. He’s looking for any reason/excuse to be with her, and she took him up on it. If you want to remain the third wheel or 2nd place, go ahead, but don’t be shocked or surprised when he starts pulling away when he gets back home, and plays nursemaid to his ex, in fact, you should be preparing yourself for that event. Good luck.
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