Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › He only sees me once a week or when it suits him
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 2 months, 1 week ago by
Mary.
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Samantha J
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 11 months. He works part time mainly at nights finishing at 9 pm. He only invites me to his place one night a week, usually on a Friday night (as that is usually his night off), or when he has a weekend off I will stay for 2 nights. I feel like at the stage in our relationship we should be spending more than 1 night a week together, but the few times I have tried to express this he says ‘ I have a job’, I believe though that if you are really into someone you will make the time for them and I can’t understand why we can’t spend time during the week together. I love him so much, but during the long absences I wonder why he does not make more time for me in his life. I do get upset with him because of this and he says ‘ I carry you in my heart wherever I go’. I am 41 & he is 54. I am so confused, he texts me every day, but rarely calls. I am at a stage where I am wanting to live with him. That is my main issue, even though he finishes work at 9 why I can’t I go over to his place and be waiting when he comes home, I don’t understand why he won’t give me a key, only a few times he has suggested I drive over to his place at 9.30 or later when is home, but this is just too late. When we are together it is wonderful, but I want more. He keeps telling me he loves me and we are in a relationship when I get upset with him and vocalise my need for wanting to spend more time together, I don’t think it is unreasonable almost a year into a relationship. I don’t know what I should do, Your advice is appreciated.
K
you should start distancing from him. If he doesn’t change, you should leave. It sounds to me you are just his convenience
Tallspicy
Why does he do this? It is because this is the relationship he wants. And honestly, this is a you problem in the sense that I bet it was this way when you first started dating. Men show who they are early, actually we all do. When a man sees you only once a week and you request more (good for you, that is being a adult), and he does not give it to you, you have your answer. There is a reason he is 54 and single.
You have been dating a year and don’t have his keys? Nope nope nope.
The honest truth is he is happy with what you have. Since you have been dating a year and you are not ready to leave, you can ask him what he sees in your future together? My guess is he will say, I like this like it is. Then you could say… at this point in my life I want a relationship that is growing, moving in and moving towards marriage. And I am concerned that we are not on the same page and I am questioning if we are a good fit. Then ask him what he thinks. This is his cue to pay attention.
Be very careful here, if this happens and he does not step up, you need to end it or you tacitly agreed to whatever he wants to give you by staying.
Honestly, I think you should dump him, but since you are a year in, it is worth one more try to fix it.
Jo
Agree with K and Tallspicy. It sounds like he compartmentalises his life. Weekdays are for work, chores, working out and whatever else he does, weekends are for relaxation, girlfriend etc. You need to discuss how he sees the future. If he doesn’t want to integrate you into his life now there’s a good chance he never will.
Allie
Wow that’s a relationship I would not tolerate. I’m sorry you are dealing with this crap. It’s awful that he barely has you in his life. This is a minimal work relationship for him at best. My guy used to work nights too and he still gave me his keys and I would come over every night minus one. Your guy barely counts as a boyfriend to be honest with you. To get your needs met, you are going to need to speak up my dear. You won’t get anywhere by keeping your wants, needs and relationship goals from your partner. You will just stay in the same place. You deserve a better relationship with a guy that actually wants to make you a major part in his life not just like a toy he puts on the shelf until it’s convenient for him. UGH toss this one back in the sea. Accept your losses and move on.
Newbie
I responded at the other threat as well. But just again to make clear this is probably not a bad man, just a man who doesnt give relationships a high priority. Some people at his age are done with the all in and looking for more casual. Or he was maybe always the casual type. Its up to you what you want. You can ask him and tell him what kind of relationship you and let him give his views. And decide based on that
Felicity
It makes me sad reading this because I am in the exact same situation with my boyfriend of 5 months and have been terrified it will be the same once we get to a year. I’ve decided that I’m not going to let this situation pass 6 months. If once a week is all he wants then I’ll tell him to go find a woman who wants that too.
So sad because I find it wonderful when I’m with him also but the truth is that he’s just messing with me as is your boyfriend. Some men just don’t want real relationships. Maybe your boyfriend is a dismissive avoidant as I suspect mine is. Look it up if you’re not sure what I mean. It could explain a lot.
Good luck. Remember, if it doesn’t work out, it’s his loss and another decent guy’s gain.Mary
Honestly, he is just not needy. If you focused more on yourself (putting the energy on yourself when not together), you would not be either. We grow from our relationships and ot is time for you to grow in loving yourself more, otherwise, you will spend your life frustrated (co-dependent abd unhealthy).
Perhaps begin meditation, and you will likely become more self aware.
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