Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He refuses to do oral sex
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
mama.
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Loreta
I didnt have sex for almost 2 years and after dating my current boyfriend for a few months. We finally had sex. I read on google that it might be painful and I might bleed and I had spoken to him about it. So when we had sex he did go down on me and i had an orgasm of a lifetime and when we started penetration, it was very painful and a huge bloody mess and some blood on his chin.
I went to my Gyno to follow up and they ensured me that everything was fine and this was normal.
Its been 6 months and we have sex regularly but he has refused to go down on me again because he is saying that he is afraid I will bleed again.
I told him before we started having sex that I only orgasm from Oral sex and so for 6 months I have not orgasmed and I am losing my mind. He just says that sex isn’t everything. he is a great person and I did see a future with him but at this point after me bringing it up so many times and telling him that am not sexually satisfied he still refuses to do it.
And its weird hecause the other day we were watching a movie that had a sex scene of oral sex and the lady climaxing and I was just like “wow i forgot what that feels like” and he just laughed. And its like at this point I don’t even want him to do it anymore if he was to ever offer it and when we have regular sex, I’m not into like I used to be. And he only lasts 2 mins tops in be so oral sex would be my only honest satisfaction
I officially told him that I am not giving him oral sex anymore because he doesn’t do it to me and that it would be straight penetration only. He said that was fine. Last nighy he took me ouy on a date and mentioned that aince both of our apt lease is ending soon he wants to start looking at bigger places because he wants us to move in together and I don’t have to pay any bills. I told him I’ll think about it. And idk what to do because he is a great guy but a lifetime of never orgasming again idk if I can do it.
Please give me advice or let me know if I am being selfish?
as I’m sure he was traumatized from out first experience but its been 6 months. And according to him, sex isn’t everything.Raven
I’m guessing your BF is young… You are not being selfish.
Remind him that you only bled when penetrated & you’ve been fine since.
Do not move in together without this being settled. Imagine a lifetime with zero orgasms 😬
Maddie
I don’t think he’s traumatized. He doesn’t like doing it so found an excuse not to, and he doesn’t seem to care enough that he hasn’t managed to make you finish any other way. That’s sexual incompatibility. He shouldn’t have to do anything he’s uncomfortable with, but you shouldn’t have to watch him have all the orgasms. Sex isn’t everything, but he’s not trying to problem-solve with you or do anything to work together to improve compatibility. And that is the real problem.
Liz Lemon
“Sex isn’t everything” until he’s the one not having orgasms….
A caring, sensitive partner will want to make you orgasm, believe me. He’s the one being selfish, not you! I agree with Maddie that it sounds like sexual incompatibility. He should be communicating with you and trying different things to make you climax, if he doesn’t like performing oral sex.
Tammy
Agree with maddie and liz. Its more like hes using past as an excuse to not go down. There are some guys who dont like doing it. U cant force him. But hes not even suggsting other ways to help u climax. And thats the problm. No dont move in together unless ur sex life is resolved.
Rubi
The fact that you warned him beforehand that there could be blood with the first penetration, had already prepared him for it and he chose to proceed. Just like anybody doing anal sex the first time, both people expects the possibility of a messy first time. So you know what you’re getting into. He knew what to expect he isn’t traumatised unless his below age 20 trying to go along with things thinking he can take it but can’t.
But now that you’ve had regular sex are you bleeding still? Is there any unpleasant discharge? If no then there is no excuse he’s the selfish one here.
You can always pleasure yourself with masturbation but honestly it will only take you so far for a while.
Sexual compatibility is very much as important as other things in a relationship. You say he don’t last long and he isn’t concerned in ensuring other alternate ways that his girlfriend’s desires can be met, will only leave you feeling used.
I would stop pleasing him but this could lead to more relationship issues such as both of you cheating etc.
He is asking you to move in and taking you out to try to make it seem that everything is fine but the fact is you’re not happy. If an honest talk about this isn’t taken seriously by him the relationship will not work. Tell him.
Loreta
Hi everyone,
He is 40 years old and I’m 29. I know mens sex drive dies down after a certain age and he claims thats what happened to him. He said that in his younger days he was a wild sex beast but he says since hes been there and done that, he cares more about whats inside the person then outside and sex isn’t a priority for him.Liz Lemon
A 40 year old man is NOT that old. Men that age are still VERY interested in sex. Don’t you have sex regularly? He orgasms regularly, right? If he were not interested in sex, you wouldn’t be having it at all. Even if you have sex once in awhile, or infrequently, he should still care about your pleasure!
He sounds really selfish. A man that age is not naive and inexperienced– a 40 year old man should know how to satisfy a woman. He’s making excuses for not wanting to bother with having to give you pleasure.
He’s being quite manipulative honestly– he’s having plenty of sex and having plenty of orgasms, but when you want to have orgasms, he blows you off and tells you sex isn’t important and it’s what’s inside that counts.
Rubi
Completely agree with Liz.
If that’s the case then tell him you’re still very much interested in hot sex and if he has no desire to keep up with that you can’t be together. See what he says.
Sam
Hi Loreta,
At the risk of getting personal, are you able to make yourself orgasm? Maybe you can try pleasuring yourself in front of him or pleasuring each other with your hands. Doesn’t have to be actual oral.. if your bf can use lube on you that might work as it does have a similar sensation. I do agree with the others that he should be more willing to make sure you’re satisfied as well. It is selfish that he isn’t. Maybe if you offer this instead of pushing the oral he might be more open to experimenting.
Loreta
@Sam I’ve tried that one night in bed and he was just fiddling on his phone while I was doing it. I thought he would get turned on and put his phone down to come play but nope. So then I just stopped and he started talking about a bill he forgot to pay.
I felt like a complete idiot.
Raven
Get Out!
He was fiddling on his phone while you were diddling yourself?!He. Is. Gay.
Tammy
O my god! That sounds terrible!!! Almost like in movies wher the husband is doing it mechanically and the wife is thinkin of her pending chores or the next day plans. I thnk you guys dont match sexually.
Pls dont feel silly. I did that wid my exbf and it led to great sex. He alwys ensured i climaxed each time before him. And it was alwys the oral route. He dsnt seem that keen abt sex and even less keen on ensuring that his partner is well satisfied. Sex is exciting and fun atlst in the initial stages and yet thibgs dont luk all that great. Going ahead its only going to get worst i feel!
Tammy
I meant it wasnt alwys the oral route. There are other ways as well. Ur guys seems lazy and selfish and not that concerned abt ur pleasure.
Sam
You’re not an idiot, Loretta. Something is definitely missing here. You need to think long and hard if this is the kind of relationship you want long term, because it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to bend at all.. sending you hugs as I know this isn’t easy.
Maddie
Something is wrong on his end, it’s really not you. This is not normal for a 40 year old man. Even if sex becomes less frequent and less of a priority with age (which is normal enough), it does NOT explain why he doesn’t even care if you are satisfied when you are intimate. Please don’t feel like you need to sentence yourself to a life that has no sexual satisfaction when you’re only 29!
Are there other aspects of the relationship in which he seems selfish or controlling? Usually these things aren’t limited to the bedroom. And not to be age-ist in regards to the age difference, but sometimes men date much younger because women their own age won’t deal with their BS… (which again isn’t on you, that is something that comes with experience having already lived through the BS in your 20s and beyond).
mama
First off, he should visit his doctor and get his testosterone levels checked. Low T is a thing and that could be part of his issue about sex in general.
Secondly there is a power dynamic at play with your age difference. Deny it all you want but it’s there.
Giving and getting sexual satisfaction is important to you. It’s on a list of other things that are important to you. If this guy is not willing to work on that with you, then he’s not a keeper.
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