Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He refuses to let me have my furniture back
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
erich.
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Anon2
Quick run down, together for nearly 4 years. Broke up just before UK lockdown. Yes, we lived together but now he says I can’t have my furniture because it’s the least I can do after all he’s done for me financially??? Eh? All he’s ever done is pay for pizza…which I done too…paid for overnights…which I done too…paid for usual run of the mill relationship stuff…which I done too. He never bailed me out for anything. We paid half on everything but he says if he hadn’t paid for stuff at the very beginning..overnights (that he insisted on paying for) plus the 300 he put 5owards a car for my 50th then he would have more in his savings.
Am I being naive that i think this is usual relationship stuff or do I really owe him?? I’m old enough to know but I haven’t had a proper live in relationship so my mind is all over the place not knowing if I’m in the wrong or not?? Anyone talk some sense for me please?
Tallspicy
Not sure you owe him, but you need to decide what the fight will be worth to get it back. I suggest you stop discussing that part of it as it is unknowable and unwinable.
Options:
A. Let it go.
B. Just tell him when you will be there and take it. If he tries to drag you into that argument say… I am not going to argue over who gave more during this relationship financially or otherwise. Have my stuff ready at this time.
C. Tell him you will be there and you will include the police if he does not give. (This could be instead or after b)Newbie
This sounds so familiar. About the car and the 50 birthday. You must have posted before about the money issues but before the break up. No its not normal he claims the furniture. If he is going to count then count for real: who brought what in and what did it cost. And go with that.
Meanwhile be glad this man is out of your life. Me personally i would rather chew on wood than contact a man like that again over moneyAnon 2
I could possibly have posted before about the car etc. You are right Newbie, I think I should probably just let it go…it might not be worth the fight
kaye
Four years is a long time and it sounds like a great deal of resentment has built up. I would make it clear to him that a GIFT to you for your 50th birthday is not something you need to repay or should feel guilty for. You said you paid half of everything in the relationship so I’m going to assume when you say MY furniture you mean furniture you owned prior to meeting him and you moved in with it.
I would make it clear you don’t feel like he has done anything financially for you which you haven’t reciprocated and try to reach a compromise, such as him keeping half the furniture and returning half. If there is something you are attached to, a family heirloom or hand me downs from other family members in the furniture he has I would negotiate to get those pieces back and leave him the rest. If he flat out refuses to give you any of your items back I would start documenting everything in writing. Send him a certified letter listing out the items he has of yours in his possession. Put a date you expect to have these items returned or be given access to get them yourself and tell him you will pursue legal action and sue him if he doesn’t. Then be willing to file a small claims court case. If you leave them with him too long and don’t make any effort to claim them then he can consider them abandoned property and he has every right to keep it! I’m not sure what the rules are in the UK on that but if there are things you want back then you probably need to start making sure to document them soon.
Anon 2
Yes kaye, it was furniture I took with me. I don’t think I’ll fight for it back. Was just my bed, drawers, table..stuff like that. I more wondered about why he said I owe him…I thought relationships shared finances..now I just feel as if I was just an object he had in the house that he thinks he paid for and I need to bow down n be grateful to him
Newbie
You are questioning your sanity at this point. But if he was always like this, you were brainwashed. You need time to heal possibly with help of a counselor. Focus on you getting your independence back. And if you do want your stuff back just claim it like kaye suggested
kaye
I would not take the things he is saying right now to heart. When people are hurt and upset they will lash out and say things they don’t mean. What matters is that you know your relationship was fair and equitable for those 4 years and you shared expenses and you don’t “owe” him a damn thing!!
You sound like you are handling this very well and being fair and civilized. You are taking the high road which I respect and I did during my divorce. But it would take all I had not to text your ex back and say, I’m going to be the bigger person here and you can keep them if they mean that much to you and you want something to remember me by!! :)
Anon 2
Your right Newbie…I am questioning my sanity and wondering if I was such an awful person towards him…
Kate, I like your way of thinking but no way am I contacting him…it’s too painful right now
Anon 2
Kaye…flipping autocorrect
Tallspicy
The feeling of being bad is awful. during this time at home, I was thinking about an unexpected breakup that happened some time ago, and with too much time to think … I started thinking that I deserved to be dumped because I was selfish and unkind. But then I remembered other stuff too, and the reality is… at times I can be selfish and unkind, just like everybody. That is not who I am all the time (most of the time) and if he wanted to work through it, he would have. What he thinks of me is irrelevant. And same for this ex of yours.
erich
take him to court
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