he said he needed space

Hi guys,

So, I gave Beth an outside email address and we’ve been chatting off ANM for a few days. This gave me the chance to ask her some more specific and personal questions that she might have been hesitant to post here. I’ve also gained a little more insight as to what was going on just before her BF asked for space, and what might be contributing to Beth’s state of mind and current difficulties. She’s given me permission to talk about some of it here.

First, her boyfriend has struggled with some degree of depression and as of yet, hasn’t been able to find an anti-depressant that both works and doesn’t carry unpleasant side effects. Just before all this happened, he had spent some time at home with his family and returned saying he was stressed. Based on what Beth has told me, I suspect he was triggered in some way while he was home and suddenly, the prolific texting that was a mildly annoying quirk up until now, became overwhelming and he completely shut down (I have some experience with this). I’ve seen the texts and it certainly does appear that something external set him off, in addition to the over-texting.

Second, Beth has told me a little bit about her relationship with her child’s father and I can begin to understand how her current mindset was created. I believe she was made to feel worthless and isolated. She did have the strength to get out though and she HAS made an appointment to see a therapist. I believe she is committed to working through her issues in therapy as they are beyond the capabilities of ANM to address.

I know that all that we see here are posts where Beth says the same sorts of things and doesn’t appear to be doing anything but wallowing, but as I’ve been talking to her, she’s communicated that she’s going to work, interacting with other teachers, seeking out friends to see socially (hopefully that will happen this weekend), making Christmas candies to take to school, reading some online self help articles and even glancing at the dating site (I suggested this not because she is ready to meet someone knew, but because she needs to remind herself that there are many, MANY other great men out there). I fully believe she IS trying.

I personally think that she is very unsteady and insecure due to past experiences and timid about really getting into some things here, but is fully aware of her issues and is using this forum as an outlet to stay strong and keep up the NC. She KNOWS it’s unhealthy and she knows what she needs to do, but posting here is keeping her from texting and allowing her to express her grief in the absence of anyone else to talk to.

So maybe we can just acknowledge that she’s suffered some damage that most of can’t fully (and hopefully will never have to) comprehend, encourage her for taking the steps to heal (with therapy and continued NC), and just let her vent without offering too much tough love…based on what I’ve been told, I’m not sure tough love is indicated in this particular case.

@Thomas – it is not up to you to decide whether Beth would benefit from any advice or not. This forum is not for lashing out at people who are in pain, but for helping them, and not everyone is strong. So if you have no compassion then at least have some respect for other people’s feelings.

Ladies – I am surprised that so many of you keep on telling Beth to drop this relationship, it is not possible for her right now. One step at a time. She will arrive at this decision on her own later when she is ready, but right now, she is in acute pain, it is already a huge achievement that she has not contacted him for a week. Everyone is different. Some can move on within a week, others take months.

Beth – you are doing fine, it’s been a week and it is a long time for you, so you have made a huge progress. But it is not a long time for No Contact, it took my ex 3 weeks to contact me after the first breakup. A few months later, after we both decided to breakup again for good, he still contacted me 3 weeks afterwards but did not leave a voicemail, I just saw he called, and not once. I ignored it because if he *really* wanted to get back he should have and would have done it differently.

The second week will be worse than the first one, Beth. Week 3 is when you would begin to feel less “pressure” and less pain. So try to line up things to be busy, girlfriends, therapist, shopping, hairdo, Netflix, join a gym. Come and vent here again, people maybe harsh but they want good things for you, reread this threat from the very beginning again, maybe you will hear things differently this time.

Have you read any of the resources I recommended? I am urging you again to read them Beth. It will help you go through no contact and also avoid mistakes if you want to try to get him back.

I understand now after the update. I hope you’re doing well Beth!

Well said Kate.You are so right Kate.Thanks for each word

and I am sorry that you all are annoyed that I am saying that I am still missing him

Guys…

I’m probably going to get reamed for this reply, but oh well. With all due respect, it’s not your place to decide what’s appropriate and what’s not when it comes to Beth and Kate communicating directly. If you read through this thread, you’ll realize Beth asked Kate for help outside the forum. Emma, your question about whether she’s allowed to use “ANM” in her email address is fair, yes. But… In creating the “ANM” email address (correct me if I’m wrong, Kate) her intention was neither to market herself as a secret therapist, nor to usurp Eric and Sabrina’s “power,” but rather to provide a private place for those who have connected with Kate in particular and could use the extra support they’re otherwise uncomfortable indicating here. Could Kate have used a different acronym than “ANM” in her email address? Probably. But that’s sort of a moot point at the moment as there was no ill-will behind it. Let’s keep calm.

Also, Emma, if I remember correctly, aren’t you banned? Forgive me if this is a different Emma. But, it’s neither fair no reasonable of you to say the following to Kate if you’re continuing to post:

“People” use your name accidentally a little too often… and now you’re starting up some sort of online therapy service!?”

All this aside, I thank Kate for enlightening those of us who are generally concerned with and have been following the story. While what we now know doesn’t change the fact that Beth needs to work on herself first and foremost, it doesn’t hurt to allow the context of it all to give us a bit more empathy. I’m not saying she deserves preferential treatment over other posters. My point is, sometimes we’re so eager to hit people with what we insist is right (and even with good intentions), that we lose sight of just how real the struggle is. Not everyone is strong, and it’s a long road to get there. I speak from experience.

Thank you Mae

Thomas,

You did the right thing by coming here- ANM is a good place to learn when its privileges are not abused. In fact, I read through Eric and Sabrina’s work every single day to try to be the best I can be. If one thread irks you to the point of allowing you to make generalizations about women being “crazy,” “dramatic,” “bossy,” or “hormonal messes,”
that’s your prerogative. There is much valuable information to be taken from ANM as a whole. It sounds like you’re bitter towards women/dating and are throwing generalizations at us to justify your mentality. Not fair, just as it wouldn’t be fair of us females to throw generalizations about how “awful” and “mean” and “assholes” men are. Not productive on either side. Goes both ways.

Anyway…

I work in a hospital and am well aware of HIPPA, and you bring up some good points. ANM is not a medical sounding board full of doctors, however, so I’m not sure these laws apply. Let’s let Eric and Sabrina decide the best course of action moving forward.

And, also, if you read through years of threads here, you’ll notice many posters have mentioned instances where their significant others battle depression. So, if we’re going to go that route, should we all be behind bars?

I respect your stance- just playing Devil’s Advocate.

Beth, I understand you have a child from what Kate communicated? How old is he/she? Any fun plans with him/her this weekend? Surely having a child keeps you occupied as well, no?

FYI…that email address was created for a one time use with “Beth”, after which she received my personal email. The address in question is no longer in existence and was in fact eliminated within about ten minutes of it’s creation. And Thomas, how do you know that the name of the OP, her boyfriend and some of the details weren’t changed to protect privacy? Believe me, I looked through the post and the information to ensure that no actual identifying info was posted.

Maybe you should apply for the position of Forum ethics officer…you’ll find that many of the people who post also provide names and personal information (such as medical conditions…depression is a common one) not only for themselves, but for their partners, ex partners, family members, etc.

I’m familiar with HIPPA laws so trust me; there is no violation here.

Actually, as I said, I immediately forwarded “Beth’s” initial email to my personal email and provided her with that email. Everything else she subsequently wrote to me she sent to my personal email.

As for any other “handles”, I’m unconcerned with your opinion. If the owner’s of this site want to verify that I post as one person, that is very easily done. If they want to see the email in which Beth gave me permission to post on her behalf, that’s fine if she agrees to it.

Thomas you know not of what you speak. HIPPA only applies to health insurers, healthcare professionals and employers. I would be interested in you citing a law that does apply to this forum because in all of my professional working career I have heard of none.