he said he needed space

did you see my question

I had a friend die
there are some similarities between him and my guy
yes I am sad–but I am very very worried

and alive

OK. I’m lost. You just heard that one of your friends died. What’s the connection between him and your boyfriend? Why does this worry you?

Beth, this is getting more and more unhealthy, and though you say you’re trying we are all worried about your current state. And also, your daughter. How can you take care of her if you are in such a bad way?

If I were you, especially given this current news we know nothing about, I would seek counseling immediately. I don’t think you can wait 4 more days until your appointment. Not tomorrow, not the day after, but right now.Seek a professional to talk to because I believe nothing more we can say will help you.

There are emergency hotlines for crisis counseling. You have little to no support system based on what we know about your current family situation. Please, get online and find a number to call.

I’m sorry to say… but I’m concerned you’re getting to the point where you’ll harm yourself, either unintentionally or… I don’t know.

Beth, if your friend truly died I don’t believe you would be thinking about your BF at the moment. Your looking for a reason to contact him and I honestly believe at this point you should because you really don’t care about HIS NEEDS (request for space), and only care about your own (constant contact). One of two things will occur by doing so: 1) He’ll be OK with it; OR 2) end it. just know that whatever choice YOU MAKE could have negative consequences and you will have to take full responsibility for it if it doesn’t go your way.

@mae
I don’t want to get too involved about the similiarities between the two
I cant–not here….

Beth we all care about you and are concerned for you. This has gone on for pages and pages and you are not talking or acting any differently. You’re still begging for support. Please open your eyes and see you’ve gotten loads of support here. But we can’t get into your shoes and change, only you can. I know this is difficult. It is extremely unhealthy to be this attached to someone. That is the real issue that has to be addressed. PLEASE get help locally right now. Start calling local numbers for crisis centers. I’m not telling you not to post here because I have no right to do that. I am saying, we are just a group of people on the internet and you need professional help ASAP. This is just going around and around here. The more you post, the more you obsess and ruminate. I don’t feel like we are helping you. Please do something to get with someone faace to face or on th phone now, today!! We want to see you get past this situation and become a healthy, happy person!!!!

Beth, did your friend die from an overdose?

Forum viewers who have followed this thread:

I think at this point something that Lane said should be considered. I think Beth’s relationship needs to end because this in limbo state is making her increasingly obsessive and unwell. I think we should encourage her to reach out to him so that the relationship will end. She is in no way healthy enough to be in a relationship and will only be able to do the work on herself that she needs to do if she finality and closure from this relationship and is not obsessing over whether he will call or if he misses her.
thoughts?

Katek:

I agree with you and Lane to an extent. The problem is, I don’t think it will stop the sadness, the longing, the missing, and the obsessing. Let’s break this down:

1) If she reaches out, and he’s OK with it, and agrees to give it another go, the problem is not solved. It’s a band-aid and the blood will continue to seep through until it’s forced to come off. UNLESS both of them (but especially her since this thread is focused on her) vow to resolve their OWN issues. But it’s way too early on in the relationship, IMO, to have this level of problems.
2) If she reaches out, and he ignores her: Things will continue as is, only the level of obsessing if he misses her will deepen. To her, ignoring is pure torture and this is a viable possibility.
3)If she reaches out, he gets fed up, and ends it (possibly forcefully): She’ll beat herself up for having negated all the advice on this forum, and constantly find ways to “fix it,” when the damage has been done an done. Since she’s not in the right frame of mind to undergo any more emotional trauma at the moment, I’m afraid of this option.

That’s why we’ve been saying all along that the root issues stem from something internal. We’ve been telling her not to reach out so as to help her preserve her dignity (at least, the advice I gave wasn’t focused on saving the relationship so much as to help restore her to a more stable place). I think we all agree that Beth needs to do a lot of work before entering into a relationship with ANYONE or continuing with this man. I’m sure she’s aware, and I’m sure her BF would agree.

I do think she should not act on anything until at least she’s seek the counselor. But again, I’m concerned that 4 days until her appointment is too long, which is why some of us suggested immediate crisis counseling.

Going to chime in again, because I think some excellent advice has been given from which I hope you (Beth) can benefit. I don’t mean to single anyone out because obviously many (Mae, Lane, Hannah, etc,) are really trying to help and have provided some great advice. But Beth, I want you to read this one several times until you start to believe it (from K):

“He asked for space, and by the way he said it it seems he was angry and feeling smothered so he could have easily said its over leave me alone but he chose not to, he chose space. This is what you need to look at and focus on, SPACE isn’t finishing things. Do not send him a message, do not ask for your things because all this is to him is you finding excuses to make contact and men aren’t silly he will know this!

**Don’t keep waiting on his message, waiting only makes you weaker!** (And I’ll insert here, it KEEPS YOU from working on yourself)…

I’m also not saying it’s easy, I have been where you are. I was with someone for 3 years and one evening he said to me I think we need time apart to really think about things, I was heartbroken as soon as I heard those words but I didn’t let it stop my life and take up every thought and guess what, after 2 weeks he sent me a message and he even said to me **Im surprised I haven’t heard from you, do you want to talk’ because he was expecting it** (Me aggain, pay attention to the above sentence!)

In his mind he NEEDED this space, so him asking for it is what he wanted in order to save the relationship, if you contact him he is likely to blow so don’t! A week isn’t long enough to know. **He wont be in the state you are in so it probably doesn’t even feel like a week has passed!**(Yes!) Show him you are independent, you haven’t heard from him and yes of course you’re upset but he doesn’t need to know!

Women were put on this earth to be strong and to raise strong children! You can do this with or without him, even if he didn’t come back you’d survive and meet someone new! It’s life girl!

I believe from past experiences that he will get in touch, space and ending things are different and like I said he asked for space!”

Also, like others have said, I wouldn’t do anything in regards to him until you have seen your therapist and started to break the anxiety/fear cycle. Even if he called right now, you would be so relieved that I think you might cling even more and validate all his concerns. However, if you assume he’s NOT coming back, you will begin the process of moving on and hopefully be in a more secure place when he does.

Personally, I think that a deadline should be set (after a couple of therapy sessions), at which point Beth emails her BF if she hasn’t heard from him. That way, she will have a result of some sort. He will either reply (positively or negatively) or he won’t (still an answer). But I honestly think this will help her move forward right now, if she has a goal to reach for (ex. in two weeks I am allowing myself to contact him and then I will have my answer).

Kate,

I agree- setting small goals is a good idea- something for her to talk through in-depth with her therapist. Plan needs to be set in place with the therapist so she can protect herself as much as possible. Also on a larger scale, not just related to this scenario.