he said he needed space

I think advice from a man on issues like this is always a positive, especially if you’re able to provide it in a respectful way (as you have).

Beth, I think that this is probably exactly how your BF was feeling so please read the above and take it to heart. I don’t think Paul was being harsh, but trying to give you some insight into how your man might be looking at this.

@paul
NO I don’t think you are being harsh–not at all..I appreciate your point of view
I really really do (as everybody’s words)

So, Beth, what are you going to do? Will you take the step and call a crisis counselor today?

I so, so agree with everything Paul has said. I’ve said this before as I’ve read it somewhere else (maybe from one of Eric’s posts but not sure)…

Think of your relationship as a house and your partner as a breeze. The breeze is refreshing and wonderful and makes you happy. It feels so good and you never want to be without it. But sometimes it’s strong and flowing freely and other times it dies down and goes elsewhere for a bit. A healthy attitude is to be happy for the time it was there and grateful for the time it was quieter, because you know it’s regenerating and will return.

However, as women we tend to become afraid when it dies down and we start to analyze the reasons why, and wonder if it’s ever coming back, and engaging in all sorts of counter-productive behavior to try and BRING it back. Because of this fear, instead of letting it blow freely we shut all the windows and lock all the doors to try and keep it “in” the house/relationship. But what happens when we try to trap the breeze inside? The house becomes a prison, the breeze becomes stale, eventually falls to the floor as it can no longer breathe, and it loses any ability to be with us.

Men NEED freedom…open doors and windows in which to flow through the house…to recharge their emotional and mental resources, to center themselves and to do the things they need to do in order to be their best selves. Women need the same things but the difference is, they often need time (sometimes minutes, sometimes days) AWAY from the relationship in order to recharge. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or even that they aren’t contacting us, but if we over communicate and force “relationshipy” talks without allowing time to recharge (like, shutting the windows and doors around them in an effort to trap them), they run out of energy for the relationship and leave for good. “Relationship” is OUR natural state, not theirs.

Freedom is essential. Freedom to be with us without us trying to muckle onto them, freedom to go away for a bit and recharge, freedom to love us without us trying to make them anything other than what they are and even freedom to leave for good if it turns out we are not compatible. This “letting go” at first feels like dying to women because it’s so counter-intuitive. But, if we can REALLY do it, without faking it, and actually change our mindset, it’s the best feeling in the world because we know we’ll be ok no matter what and we are almost completely free from anxiety.

I’m pseudo Buddhist so that may sound like a lot of new age nonsense, but it’s how I’ve learned to look at relationships and has freed me from what I now see as a prison of my own making.

I’m with lane on this. The giving space is meant to give you both time to take a break. Its clearly not working and will blow up in an emotional thing anyway the second he does contact.
I also agree with lanes Notion that the friend dying is an excuse to contact. I’m really sorry for you about that btw. That’ cant be easy with the state you are already in. If you do decide to contact, don’t ask ‘are you ok?’ But send a ‘light’ message. Nothing comes to mind.
I also strongly feel no one around here will be good enough to help. You do have serious issues, i’m sorry about that too.

If not, think about what you would say to HER, and follow your own advice!

Thank you, Eric. This is outrageous and confusing. Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell who to trust here. “Paul’s” replies actually resonated with me. How discouraging and disturbing if this really is a woman, not only posting under another handle, but also posing as a man.

So, Eric, does this mean we should be wary of all male posters? Have none of them over the past few months been authentic?

who’s the same person?
K,Kat,Kate?Thomas,Paul?
I am so lost right now

im trying to see that he just asked for space…but to me 9 days is like forever!

Cali89…is the address you posted still functional? Or are you on FB by the screen name you use here? I’d like to send contact you but don’t want to intrude or cross any lines.

Damn Kate, that was an awesome post! If I could just…integrate that, really live it…you know? I wanted you to know I really appreciated what you said.
If every woman here took in those words and lived by them, and understood that she has everything she needs already, then there would be an amazing less number of posts on this forum.
If every woman here understood that she is a potential queen, that she has no need to go looking, searching, worrying…that she only has to receive..there would be so fewer posts.
I think every woman here should take a good long hard look at their worth and realize it and then tell themselves…I am so much more than this situation right now. My potential is so much more. I am capable of so much more. I think what we are all looking forward may be found inward.
It just kinda seems like things are a little backward right now…

Beth, did you call him?

Is that a yes? We’re not going to shout at you if it is! All of us have gone against good advice at some point.