Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
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ItAhiA.
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Mae
Ok. I’m saying the way you said it came across as attacking. I’m not saying I disagree with you. I think contacting him on Christmas Eve is dangerous, to be honest. You told Maria she gives crap advice and asked what the hell she was thinking. To me, that’s attacking when you can constructively disagree and argue your own point. I also agree that contacting him on Christmas Eve can be construed as emotional manipulation, but I highly doubt Maria is trying to manipulate Beth. I value your opinion and mean no disrespect to you, but I think it’s important that we try to foster a calm and caring environment.
I agree that Beth is not ready to heed our advice, but that’s her prerogative. In fact, I do think in all these 18 pages, she was waiting for someone to say, “Go ahead and reach out,” and she did. But not for the reasons the posters advised. Then she went silent for hours… For a reason. And now it’s no better and the hole is even deeper. She says she’s worried; she’s right to be. So if it’s not officially over, if has to be, if you get my drift.
Beth is a grown woman. She has to decide her own ending. She’s creating her own reality which we can only hope will be altered with the help of her therapist. Only then will she realize WHY she has to get to the point of focusing on herself, not the approval of this man. She’s far from there, though.
I believe the only learning experience that will come of this is if this situation comes to a head. Perhaps a cruel and violent one. I don’t want to go there on this forum, but I do not see this having a good ending.
Beth, please, take care of yourself and let us know how counseling goes. I’m not trying to be mean but you’ve got to open up a bit. There’s 18 pages of help here you’re choosing to disregard.
Anonymous
Mae, fair points. However Maria has been called out on other occasions by other people. She told someone who was suicidal to suck it up and get over herself (I’m paraphrasing). Also, as someone pointed out on this thread some pages back, Maria is frequently name calling men (jerk is her favorite phrase) and I’m wondering why that’s OK. Thing is, Maria has been telling Beth for pages now that he will contact her and I just feel like that is a serious danger to someone this unstable, so when she says to contact him on Christmas Eve to play on his sympathies, well that’s just going too far. It is crap advice IMO. I’m not saying Maria is trying to manipulate Beth. I’m saying that Maria, while well intended like all of us, is basically doing the equivalent of telling someone thinking of suicide that they should go walking alone at midnight on a bridge, they might enjoy the view. I realize we aren’t all going to agree. But I feel she’s putting Beth at risk with this kind of advice. That’s why I speak up and ask what the hell is she thinking. Eric has stated we need to be careful with people who come here in a vulnerable state and it is upsetting to see someone giving advice that puts someone in danger.
Anyway. That’s it on this thread. This has been going almost two weeks now with no improvement or movement and now Beth is worried once again on Page 18 so I’m just going to leave this because I don’t want to insult or hurt her and it’s clear to me I can’t be of any assistance here.
Hannah
Beth what are you worried about?
Maria
Anonymous – I really don’t want to do that, comments like yours are best be ignored, but just this once, if you are so so obsessed with me, search for my name and you will find people thanking me on this forum.
Your opinion is your opinion. I say what I want to say and the way I want to say. if I think someone is a jerk, I will call them a jerk, I never told that girl to suck anything..up or down, do your homework properly and read the whole tread. But regardless, do you really think your…hmm…lets find a politically correct word here..”passionate” comments are going to influence me? Say what YOU want to say, mind your own business, and get off my back.
Maria
Beth,
Do not worry, you would have heard it had he gotten sick or something along those lines.
How are you feeling?
Mae
She’s gone silent on us. She’s afraid of what we’ll say. I fear she’s already dug herself so deep into this hole, and therefore her silence indicates she’s likely reached out again and doesn’t want to admit. Her last few posts were about calling him, her keys, his Christmas gift, and that he’s worried. What does that add up to? Danger in my opinion.
Of course, there’s the remote possibly she’s using her time away from the forum to talk privately to another member or making a healthy choice for herself. Or Christmas shopping for her daughter.
Beth, if you’re reading this, Google crisis counseling in your area. It’s free and anonymous. I highly suggest you do so immediately. Don’t like it? Then end the call after 5 minutes.
Mae
She’s *worried. Sorry.
Beth
I’m here
Lane
Beth, his silence is telling you it’s over. You really need to start the process of moving on and hopefully using this time to fix the areas that keep reoccurring with men and hopefully break this viscous cycle.
I know it’s hard to let go, but the tighter you hold on to a man the faster he’ll want to get away . A man can never become your life preserver because eventually you’ll drown him with your emotions which is why you need to allow for oxygen, space or time apart, or you will suffocate a relationship.
Please focus your energy on therapy because you really need to get to the crux of your issues or you will continue to repeat these deadly relationship patterns.
Mae
I don’t think there’s anymore any of us can do here.
Jippity
Ultimately, none of us know Beth, Bryan, or very many details about their relationship or why Beth feels that she needs the relationship the way she does.
Maria’s advice, although not the advice I would have given, may not have been all that bad. Ultimately it would have given Beth a point in the future to consider texting him, to take the urgency away from the current moment. In between now and Christmas Beth will have seen the therapist at least once, maybe twice, and would have (hopefully) a slightly improved outlook and a different plan in place.
That said, I think Mae is right. Beth needs to speak to someone who is trained to help her and who can engage in real conversation with her.
Beth, please find somebody local to you who can talk to you. There are usually national helplines for people who are feeling depressed, particularly around the holidays. I live in the UK and our helpline is run by The Samaritans. I used them myself many years ago.
Is there something like this in your area?
Siya
Hey Beth ,
I have been following this thread.
Are you Ok ??
Has he contacted you ?I went through something similar , so I understand. I was very weak and was in constant depression/anxiety. Its Okay if you are still feeling like that. You will be fine. Just take good care of yourself. Don’t wait for his reply and take one day at a time. See what can you do for your daughter/yourself/some needy. Go out and help somebody if you don’t find anything else to engage yourself. You will feel better.
Missmarkel
I wonder why no one is helping me out..you all have supported beth greatly..and so far i have read your advices..everyone is doing great job.Well i request again if anyone can a little to of time to me too.Thanks anyway.
Missmarkel
Can give a little time to me.*
Beth
I was not on yesterday – I went to my friends parents house(this one who died and brought a meal- I went to a girifroend house from hs and was there all day)
Yesterday afternoon I decided to send one last txt (with the help of my friend) (she has known me since we were 13) at 2 pm I sent this :
I don’t really know what to say but I am hurt, confused, and I miss you. I don’t know if things are over but I would like to know now as this is painful. If it is over, please let me know so that we can get each other’s stuff back as you feel appropriate.At 4 pm he wrote back and said this :Hi. I’m doing ok. I can catch up or stop by on Monday or Tuesday.
I txted him back at 8 and said this :
Ok. Sounds good. It’ll be good to catch up. I’ll wait to hear from you about Monday or TuesdayON WEDS I have a plan to say something IF I do not hear from him and that will be the I’m 100000% done txt
I am
Not going to txt I am not going to call I am not doing anything until weds afternoon after work if he does not follow throughLane
Hi Beth.
I wouldn’t have worded the text that way but it’s done. I found his response to be very curt, matter of fact, and devoid of any apologies or emotion so I would suspect he’s already ended it in his head or he would have reached out within a few days. He’s most likely not serious about “catching up” as men hate those emotional breakups and will more than likely avoid it all cost so if he doesn’t reach out by Wednesday don’t be surprised.
I would have your friend do the exchange if its over. If he does catch up I’m afraid you’ll lose it emotionally as you are in a very weak mental state and it will not bode well for you if you have “the talk” with him right now. I’m worried an official break up could set you back even further so please make sure you have some support should it be the case. In the event a break up doesn’t happen and he gives you another chance you still need to get yourself under control and continue with the therapy. Keep posting us with updates as we are very concerned about your well being.
Stefun
him! He will realize he made a mistake and come back, but only if you give him a chance to miss you.
JB
Good for you Beth! You sound so much better today! Keep us posted how it goes this week and if you need support even just a virtual hug…. Stay strong for you and your daughter.
Beth
He’s not that emotional
I’ll see what happens
I have agame plan for weds if j don’t hearBeth
@maria
Hello?Mae
What’s the backup plan for Wednesday? Do you really need it? If he doesn’t put closure to this by Wednesday, you have your answer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t, as your pain has allowed you to disturb his request for space twice now and he felt trapped into saying at least something. You’re in convincing and bargaining mode right now; as Lane said we are afraid an official breakup will shake you to the core. Yet, you’re relieved you heard anything at all from him. I can tell by your writing your demeanor has changed and you’re riding the high right now because you heard from him. Please don’t give in to false hope, Beth. Please be careful and let us know what happens.
As an aside, I’m glad you spent the weekend keeping busy. How is everyone holding up after the loss of your friend?
Beth
If I don’t hear by weds
It’s done- don’t know what elseBeth
Seeing my friend family was tough
I have not seen them in a while
I met the fiancé
Toughhannah
Beth who’s the fiance? I’m confused?
I don’t think our advice is helping you.
I think for you, no contact was too much and maybe you’ll feel more settled just knowing what you’re up against. It might not be what you want to hear though so be prepared for that. You have your therapy this week don’t you?? That will help. Is Kate still supporting you too?
Missmarkel, what is the title of your post? I’ll take a look.
Beth
My friend who died
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