Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
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ItAhiA.
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Shadae Lanier
How to tell a guy your crushing on them ?
What does it mean when you work with your crush and they always seems to want you to help them with a task and they always seem to look at you ?
Hannah
Oh I see Beth. That must have been tough. I’m sorry for your loss.
As for the boyfriend, I think you just have to wait now until you see him hopefully things will become clearer.
Beth
@hannah
Yeah :(beth
I know if he doesn’t contact me today or tomorrow its really bad
do I want to talk to him yes
am I scared yes
I know what it means if he doesn’t follow through
I know he said he would reach out today or tomorrow–
last time we went 2-3 days and he wanted to catch up but I initiated and txted him a bunch of times
this time my last txt was on sat that said ok i’ll wait to hear from you
This time I need to do that
I still miss him like crazy
if he comes over with my stuff ill know
if he comes over with out my stuff we will talk
I don’t know what to think
I know he could have blown up and said
“I THOUGHT I SAID GIVE ME SPACE” but he didn’t
it sounded like the normal txt….
I don’t knowbeth
@maria
beth
@JB
I have a questionRoxanne
Beth, you must be overwhelmed with all the different advice you have received. I can tell you what I see in this thread – you have not given him the space he asked for. You have also shown him that you are needy and don’t have a life without him. that’s suffocating, I know I have done it. I would not text him at all. in fact, when he calls, be busy with something, anything, be doing your nails or polishing your shoes, anything, don’t answer, let it go to voice mail. probably the hardest thing you will ever do. Finish whatever task you were on, then call him back. don’t give excuses, just tell him you were in the middle of something. Learn to not drop everything for this guy. learn to not wait around for him. fill your life with things you love to do, people you love to see, and time to yourself. Indulge, get a massage, take a bubble bath, listen to music, read a book, go to a museum. learn to be by yourself, doing things you enjoy.
JB
HI Beth – what is the question? By the way, I’m very proud of you for waiting on him to contact you!
Hannah
I honestly don’t think that one text in more than a week is the end of the world. Remember, this guy has been with Beth for a while and knows she can be needy. I’d imagine he was surprised and relieved she managed 8 days of whatever it was. And the text sounded fine too to me.
I think even having given him this space will have helped him gain some perspective about what he wants.
Beth give him until Wednseday. He said he’ll be in touch today or tomorrow so just leave it for now and see what he does. And keep us posted!
Hannah
*or not of!
Mae
Beth, can your friend be at your house with you (perhaps in a room upstairs) if this guy shows up and it does ensue in an official breakup? We want to see you “armed” with immediate emotional support. Where will your daughter be?
beth
@JB
wanted to know your thoughs
Kate said something like –we don’t know whagt he was thinking…but if he didn’t want to talk he could have ignored or blown up or got a txt like last time
to stop over analyzing and be greatful for what it is right now
@Hannah thanks–im trying—really reallyJB
Obviously we don’t know him, so personally I think it’s a positive that he didn’t break up with you already, he hasn’t returned your stuff, and he said he would catch up. He asked for space, and you finally gave it to him. I don’t want you to get your hopes up either though…only he knows what he is thinking. I hope things work out for you, but please continue with the therapy, I think you will feel much more at peace with yourself. Stay strong for you and your daughter!
beth
yes the therapy will continue no matter what
I live in an apartment–no upstairs–my daughter would be asleep if he came over after 7 when he was done with his son
he said before after 2-3 days no talk he would catch up
but then I also txted and called him in those daysJB
Well, that was before and now you are giving him the space he asked for. So he didn’t break up with you before which is good. Just stay busy the next few days and see what happens…you will be OK no matter what the outcome. How about doing something fun with your daughter like making a gingerbread house or baking Christmas cookies? I bet she would really enjoy that. :)
beth
I am just so scared–and unsure
I want to reach out but I am not going to..
I want him to follow through–then ill know SOMETHING….
I don’t know if we are broken up–I don’t know what to think
\I miss himbeth
he said catch up OR stop by
there is no garuntee he’ll come byMissmarkel
@Hannah Thankyou Hannah. It’s ‘Making my life hell..plz friends show me way out’
and for more details I have posted earlier ‘Really complicated and mixed’.
I’ll be grateful.@Beth please listen to them..everyone is supporting you.stay strong ..and whatever happens..It is always good in the end.
Hannah
Beth I agree with Kate. We don’t know what he’s thinking, but what we do know is he didn’t tell you to get lost. That’s good and all we have to go on at the moment.
He might not come to see you. He might call, but either way I think you should ask where you stand. Not in a needy or difficult way. Just smply “I don’t know what’s going on with us, how do you feel?” and let him talk. Don’t interput, just try to listen and try to see where he’s coming from. You do need to be prepared that you may not like the answer but you need to know.
And I know you’re trying. I haven’t been exactly where you are, but I’ve been utterly obsessed with wanting an answer from a guy to the point where I couldn’t function. At all! It’s not a nice place to be and I know we shouldn’t allow ourselves to, but we are all human.
Kate
Hannah…I certainly mean no disrespect in saying this (I find your advice to be very compassionate and sound), but I don’t think Beth should ask ANY questions about the relationship in this first communication (or even the first several) after the issue that caused the “break”.
After seeing the text messages, it became clear just how overwhelmed and upset this man was and honestly, it was probably justified. This first conversation, whether in person or over the phone, should be about simply listening to him voice his concerns/frustrations, acknowledging them by repeating his key points back to him, “I’m hearing that you feel overwhelmed with my communication style/neediness/controlling behavior/ your work and parenting issues/etc.”, and leaving it at that without asking questions.
Then, and again, just my opinion, she should follow it with an unconditional apology. “I know you feel overwhelmed and stressed by my behavior and I’m committed to work on that in therapy, not just for you for but for me too. But for now, because I respect you, I’m just so very sorry.”
And that’s it. If he’s a typical man he may need a day or two to process it (and she should let him without bugging him about it), and also to see if she resumes the excessive communication and question asking. Then I really think she needs to let him take the lead as to when they talk again, get together again, and what those two things look like. If she can’t relax and allow him to set the pace without constantly worrying, I don’t see how it can work going forward. But she also needs to recognize that he may not be capable of giving her the things she wants in a relationship, no matter how great of a guy he is otherwise or no matter how much she wants him to. If this turns out to be the case, instead of trying to force him into it, she would have to walk away. But that’s something her therapist can address as needed.
beth
he could be waiting to tell me to get lost in person…etc…IDK…
my friend did not believe I waited 9 days–she even checked my phone because she knows me and was like no you didn’t
I just want to know something….
I do want to see him–so bad—I want to talk to himHannah
This is soo difficult! And really a situation I think someone better qualified than us should help with!
Kate, I know you know about this situation in more depth and I’m glad you’re still there for Beth as I wasn’t sure if you were. I trust your better judgement, knowing more of the situation and I’m not at all offended. I’m just very glad Beth has some support.
All I can see is what this is doing to Beth and it’s not good. We are really worried about you Beth!
I totally 100% agree with him talking and taking the lead. Let him talk Beth. Listen ad see what somes up. We’ll be here to help you afterwards as much as we can.
Kate, it’s a shmae we can’t sway email addresses as there are other things I would like to ask you!
Hannah
Blimey…shame and swap! I won’t trust autocorrect again!
beth
I do plan on listening if we talk
I do plan opn appologiszing for my behavior and letting him know that if given the opportunity I will do everything I can to change my excessive hebaviorKate
Hannah…there are so many women on this site who I think would be really cool to chat with off site, about all sorts of things. I think Maria set up some sort of email account where we could go to try and connect with each other, but I don’t remember what the thread was. I would create another generic email address and give it to you (one without ANM in it), but I don’t want to upset Eric or any of the moderators?
With this though, I think the immediate difficulty will be in Beth’s struggle if he BF doesn’t not reach out tonight and/or tomorrow. Again there was such sharp contrast between the “tone” of his last texts and the texts from a couple of weeks ago, that I suspect he will. However, if may not be today and/or it may not be in the way she wants (a phone/text conversation as opposed to face to face).
Beth, you need to try to keep it together if he wants to talk about this in a way that isn’t ideal (remember his schedule, child and work stress). However, I DON’T think ths conversation should occur via text. Too much room for misunderstanding. If he starts texting, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to ask that you meet for coffee and if he says no to that, request a phone conversation because you don’t want any misunderstanding to occur.
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