he said he needed space

I also don’t want to talk “behind Beth’s back” and not involve her in conversation that concerns her.

I agree–I do NOT want to have a txt convo about this
I know 9 days may not seem like didly squat
Thanks

im just scared

I was not thinking anyone was talking about me behind my back

Nothing today
Has till tomorrow
:(

Beth,

I really think you need to be prepared for worst case. The issue you have is that saying you will be different over and over is not helpful anymore because you are not credible. I believe the only way out is to share what you are doing to get better.

A. If he breaks it off, ask if you can talk in some months after you get help

B. If he does not break if off, focus not on apology, but engaging him in helping you change.

But, I believe he is going to end it, either by ending it for real or disappearing.

I would remain silent if I were you Beth. You both know that Tuesday/Wednesday are your days to meet so just wait these two days out. Don’t prompt him, he doesn’t need it, and saying “it’s okay if you can’t” would be giving him the excuse to not stop by.

Remaining silent would give him the impression that you are being rational and non-needy about this meetup. I know it may not be the case in reality but at least it will imply that to him.

You can wait it out :)

@Beth – my mistake, I must have misread that you had arranged to catch up on Tuesday or Wednesday.

My advice, and I’m not sure you will like it, would be to wait a few more days if he does not show up or contact, and then perhaps send a message saying “I expected to hear from you earlier this week like we arranged but if you don’t want to meet then I don’t see where we can go from here”.

disclaimer: I’m not really sure that is the best response to send as I’m not as familiar with your situation as others are so if that seems a bit inappropriate then my apologies.

Beth,

What would be most loving to yourself right now? Arranging to talk or waiting it out?

I do not think waiting it out is doing much for you right now. But you can, if it will not overly stress you.

You could send something saying “hey there – we discussed getting together or chatting today or tmrw. What are you thinking?”

You can’t worry about what he thinks anymore, you will be unable to change his mind most likely, so best to do what is best for you.

If he does not respond, then assume you are done and never speak to him again.

Tall,

Just curious what your thoughts were behind this?

“A. If he breaks it off, ask if you can talk in some months after you get help”

Why re-hash old wounds? You also say waiting it out isn’t doing much for Beth, which I agree with. But to your point above I think breaking it off then wanting to talk some months later is still a form of waiting it out, i.e. false hope.

I’ve already shared this with Beth, but I’m going to post it here because it might be helpful to someone else. I’ve actually asked my own BF his opinion on parts of this situation, just to get a male perspective. He is very calm and reasonable in most instances, and I’ve found his advice to be spot on in the past.

First, he was a little shocked that Beth’s boyfriend responded at all on Sunday. He said that if he’d asked for “space” in the way this man did, and a woman interrupted that in the way Beth did on Friday (texting twice and asking a question that put him on the spot to answer, or not), he would probably have told her he needed to extend the “break”. After knowing what Beth then texted her BF on Sunday though, he said he would have handled that in one of two ways. 1) If he was truly done at that point, he wouldn’t have suggested “catching up”. He would have called and ended it. 2) If it truly was about him being stressed and just needing a mental break, he would have done exactly what Beth’s BF did, and suggested a time when he felt he could talk about everything. He said he would NOT drag it out (and further torture a woman) by suggesting a get together to “catch up”, just to break up or ghost her. His thoughts on why her BF changed his tune after Beth’s Sunday text, was that this text was very different than her usual messages. She showed some honest vulnerability in expressing her feelings, without making him responsible for them AND, she stopped trying to control the situation and left it up to him how he’d like to proceed.

These are his comments about the text Beth received on Sunday, which said, “Hi, I’m doing ok. I can catch up or stop by on Monday or Tuesday” and Beth’s reply, “OK, I will wait to hear from you Monday or Tuesday.” He said that there is nothing to analyze here. The man said he would see her or talk to her Monday or Tuesday, and she said she would wait to hear from him. He probably avoided Monday because he knows it’s going to be awkward (and men don’t like awkward), but plans to contact her by Tuesday evening because he said he would. He also probably thinks Beth is perfectly fine with it and he doesn’t need to say anything further because Beth told him she would wait to hear from him. If she contacts him before tonight, in the absence of some emergency, she is breaking her word and will reaffirm his concerns. He said not to be surprised if he calls, texts, or just shows up after he drops his child off tonight.

However, he also said that if he DOESN’T contact her as planned, he’s being extremely rude and disrespectful. That if for some reason he can’t or doesn’t want to get together, he absolutely owes her a message about it. And if he doesn’t show or call/text, it would be appropriate and reasonable for her to send him a message later tonight or tomorrow, but that she should probably break it off with him because he doesn’t respect her enough to honor his own words. He pointed out that there was no “maybe” in the last text her BF sent, but he said he CAN see her/talk to her Monday or Tuesday. To him this was as good as making plans, and he should honor them, reschedule them by tonight, or be shown the door.

I couldn’t have said what Lane said any better, myself.

Beth, please post here again after your appointment tonight. I hope it goes well. If you work it, it will be a step in the right direction.

yes I will post later after the appointment after I get home