Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
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ItAhiA.
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Beth
Thanks
Stefanie
Dear Beth,
Maybe this will help redirect you.
“When we cling to our painful thoughts by ruminating on them, we solidify them. We give them substance and importance. We ruminate on our ills and turn them into monsters.
Rumination is the solidification of our mind’s chatter. Without meaning to, we turn an ordinary reaction into suffering. In our moments of depression and anxiety, what makes us suffer above and beyond what is happening to us, are our thoughts and beliefs, which we cling to and turn into rigid certainties. Having given birth to these little monsters, we then bond with them like mothers.
But how can we stop our mind from being drawn towards these magnetic sufferings? The only solution is paradoxical – we must make more room for suffering in order to loosen its grip. We don’t like the fact that distress is there because it hurts and frightens us. We should not try to drive out our ruminations or have none at all. On the contrary, we must allow them to be there, but not alone, diluting them in a much bigger container so their relative importance is reduced.
Exactly the same thing is expressed in a Chinese prover: you can’t prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but don’t let them nest in your hair.”
Christophe Andre
Beth
I think he has a lot going on
IdkStefanie
Beth love, until you take the focus off him and bring it back yourself, you will continue to suffer. Pain is an inevitable part of life; suffering is option. I can’t add anything more than has already been said. Maybe this post and my last one will make sense to you at some point. I wish for you this holiday season that you find the miracle of your new self being born like the baby Jesus. Born in a low place and rose to greatness, may that be your new story too.
redcurleysue
Beth,
Do me a favor, go back to a time before you met this man. Tell me, describe to me, who Beth is and what are your dreams and aspirations? Do you love art? Animals? People? Travel?….who were you then?
Beth
I wasn’t teaching but now I am
I was big into photography but my camera is now gone
Love dogs-My dog died a year agoredcurleysue
What are you teaching? Why is your camera gone? What kind of dogs do you love? Did you do any dog shows?
lovegiver
Awww Beth. I’ve been in the situation before. We all have. Checking the phone, composing texts to him only to delete those texts because you wanna respect his request, crying myself to sleep. Ugh! SELF CONTROL!!!!
This is a long thread I need to start at the beginning LOL
Beth I will respond to your first post on page one
Give him his space. I know its hard especially during the holiday season but hes asked for space (in a rude way) so you gotta respect that.
He was helpful and honest when he told you its no longer fun/ rewarding (not sure what type of relationship you have but “rewarding” is an interesting word to use). Use this information to your advantage and get back to the fun-loving Beth you were before him.If you’ve been dating since march maybe you need to talk about your expectations…nothing too deep just saying you like when he contacts you or you miss him and like hearing his voice. Talk about it when he gets back in contact.
Are you going NC? How is it working for you and has he contacted you since December 3rd when you created the original post?
How much breathing space is too much? I think a week is more than enough but if hes asked for space then you have no choice but to listen. Theres also the possibility he is ghosting rather than telling you the truth.
Beth
I teach elem sp Ed
My ex took my camera(it was a present – but he said it wasn’tHappy
Most importantly.. What is your therapist telling you?
That’s the most important Hun.. Not your hobbies
Rose
The best thing you can do right now is to let this man go. Write him a letter, text or email where you say goodbye for good.
If a relationship is meant to be it will be, if it’s not it doesn’t matter the amount of effort, the time and space you give it, it will never work.
You have to start thinking about yourself. You have to move on for your own sanity. do not cling to someone or something that’s outside of yourself because you will never be truly happy.
Please love yourself, love your life and set yourself free right now. You are only perpetuating your pain.
Rose
You are not in the right frame of mind to date anyone. Keep going to therapy and heal my sweetness because this thread screams desperation, obsession and lack of self love and respect for the other person.
Sensy
It may take getting used to, but make it a rule (as in other rules you have set for yourself) not to ever initiate texts with the exception of details regarding a date he set.
Sensy
I agree with other posters that it would be a good idea to step back from dating and first find happiness with being alone.
Micky
Beth
I think it’s time you ended this. Don’t give him the right to treat you like this. Take control and end this torture yourself. Don’t give him all the power.
This has gone on long enough now. He’s being cruel, unfair, and he’s a coward!
Take control, end it yourself.
I might sound harsh, but I’ve been there. Relationships that cause this much stress and anxiety are unhealthy. I ended up with depression, anxiety, and heart palpitations. When the relationship ended I felt a huge sense of calm. Peace. Sadness. Immense sadness, and the depression continued, but the calmness, peace and relief of not having to worry whether he was going to contact me any more was huge!
You sound so much like I was 18 months ago, which is why I have watched your thread and felt your pain. The women here, the friends I made through this forum, are what helped me through, kept me strong, and taught me things about myself. Now, I can see so much about how my behaviour was wrong, how I had no boundaries for myself.
The biggest lesson I learnt…..
PEOPLE CAN ONLY TREAT YOU HOW YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED.
So get angry beth. How dare he treat you like this! HOW DARE HE!!!
If you allow him to treat you like this, he will do it over and over again. He’ll come back when his ego needs a stroke, and then do it again. Because you’ll let him.
Mine kept trying to come back every couple of months over the next year. As soon as he got me hooked back in, he disappeared again. FIVE more times he did this.
Get strong, take back some power girl.
And expect it to hurt, because it will.
Took me a year. A YEAR. A year until I could actually say I was over him.
But you can’t go on like this.
Missmarkel
People can only treat you how you allow yourself to to be treated.
SO TRUE.Beth
Supposed to talk
TomorrowMae
Hi Beth. Did he reach out to confirm that he would be stopping by? Is he coming over? How are you feeling?
Beth
He said he had his son till weds and could stop by and asked me what time would I prefer
I said by 730 my kid would be asleep and he said he would be here by 730-8
I’m scaredBeth
Idk my thoughts are swimming with what if situations
IdkMae
Can you make an impromptu appointment with your therapist tomorrow morning to talk it through?
Beth
I saw her today
Maria
Beth, if he says he wants to end it, do not beg him or please with him, no matter how awful it feels, do not. You don’t have to act as if it matters nothing to you but do not plead and beg. Say that it saddens you but you respect his wishes, he obviously took time to think about things, and that you agree with his decision.
If he is not clear on things, then YOU ask for certainly from him, does he really want to be with you? does he value this relationship? etc etc.
If he wants to continue, do the same the one right above, do not just jump back in as if nothing happened. Ask to explain what happened, he put you through a lot of stress, this is not something you should allow again.
Do not be scared, this is YOUR life, who would care about you if not YOU?
Hannah
Good luck beth! I hope you finally get some clarity on your situation. It’s really good you’re seeing your therapist first too. I’m sure you and her can work out how to handle the situation. Let us know how it goes.
Beth
No I won’t be happy if he wants to end it
But at least I’ll know and I can work with my therapist
I just need answers….
I’m playing out every situation that could happen in my head -
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