Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
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ItAhiA.
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Jippity
How do you feel about that?
Beth
Idk
IdkBeth
I care about him so much
Rose
OMG! BETH!
You’re making this harder than it has to be. Either you take him with what he wants/can give or you don’t. Don’t torture yourself. He had more than enough time to think and you were not thinking of this outcome that’s why now you don’t know.
You seriously need to know what’s best for you and I suspect what you really, really want is commitment and as much as you love/care about him that’s your primary need so no matter how happy he makes you, it will never be enough so you have a tough one here.
Who do you choose? Him without any commitment or yourself and your needs?
I think we both know the answer already.
Beth
Idk I’m just thinking idk
Tallspicy
Omg. Seriously beth? I know you are in pain, but this man is showing you who he is. Believe him. He is a coward and just gave him an out.
He does not want to be with you. He wants to have his cake, eat it too and not be seen as the bad guy.
If you want a real relationship, then end it. He has now told you in words and behavior he will not commit to you. Read that sentence again. Words – I cannot and will not commit to you. But i am open to seeing you (how nice for him). Actions – has not seen you in a month. He canceled several times and put off you conversation.
This is not the man to hook your star to. Go to therapy, figure out how to be the best you and find a man who appreciates it.
And be there for your daughter. Have you been or have you been a walking zombie the last month? Answer that honestly.
Tallspicy
Btw, I call bullhonkey that he wants to see you. Sorry. I think he fully intended to end it and when you were there in front of him (hopefully not begging or pleading or convincing), he caved and did not have the heart to do it.
However, if you describe the conversation, perhaps I might think differently, but I doubt it.
Tallspicy
Please please please look up baggage reclaim and read almost all of the articles there, especially on self esteem and no bullhonkey diet. Never be in a relationship with two feet in when the other person only barely has one.
Tallspicy
And if that is not convincing, think about what lesson you are teaching your child. Really think about that.
Mae
Oh, Beth. He’s given you his answer. Please believe him. No more “IDKs,” or “I care about him’s.” No matter what way he spins it, he’s telling you it’s over.
From here on out, you need to get mad in order to release the desire to have him in your life. Going through that phase is a must. Aren’t you pissed as hell that he took his sweet time to get back to you, only to skirt around the issue some more? Don’t you hate what he put you through? Doesn’t it make you resentful and uneasy that at the end of the day you had to corner him into even having this conversation, which he delayed over, and over? Yes, yes, yes. Get angry because it’s a necessary relationship grieving phase. Once you move past the anger, you’ll be sad but will come to a realization that you’re better off. Acceptance will follow sometime later, and there you have the healing process.
Your therapist is way better equipped to help you through this process. But if you continue hanging by threads and living in false hope that you can somehow change him or this can “work,” you’ve deluded yourself.
To echo what others have said, where’s your child in all of this? With all due respect, are you caring for her to the best of your ability? Based on your posts throughout this thread, it seems you are barely functioning… Is there anyone in your life, if not family, that can give you some support?
It’s Christmas, New Years, time for new beginnings. You’re in charge of your own destiny, and I would most definitely not include him in it.
Gemini615
I for one am glad you have an answer now; it’s over. No more waiting around for a decision, keeping yourself stuck in limbo, totally at his mercy. He’s not in a place where he wants or can commit to the relationship. Accept it, grieve it, continue therapy, and move on with your life. There is nothing to be unsure about anymore. You have your answer and this is what it is. And I agree with the other poster about setting a good example for your daughter. Show her that it is possible to move on gracefully from a broken relationship without letting it break you.
Good luck
B
Its a waste of time giving beth advice. You put in time and effort writing out words of advice and experiences for her, and she doesn’t even have the decency to respond to it. She barely acknowledges anyone’s words to her and only ever seems to say “idk”
I’ve just never known a thread like it. Someone so unwilling to listen and learn.
I thought I was obsessive when I was messed around like this, but I was nothing like this. I know she’s hurting. I get that, but it’s like she doesn’t hear anything that is said here at all. Does she even read the posts that people put effort in to write?
Jippity
B – nobody is forcing anyone to write anything. Beth is clearly in a state of distress and just reaching out for support. I’m sure she’s reading all the posts, she just doesn’t feel up to responding in detail.
Beth – how are you doing? How do you feel about what he said?
Newbie
You think jippity?’no i’m totally with B on thisl this whole thread for 25 pages was useless.
Newbie
I’m thinking ‘idk’
Happy
Idk, idk, idk
Only Beth idk’s here
Jippity
Maybe it was useless to you Newbie, but then it was never designed to be useful to you.
From the offset Beth asked for support. I genuinely believe that this post is so that Beth can feel less alone when the thoughts are overwhelming her. I believe that Beth finds it useful for this purpose.
Stefanie
After 3 weeks, and a record 26 pages and 646 posts… and nothing more than “idk” I have the sense this site is enabling Beth to stay stuck. Never seen anything like this in over a year on the site. I’m sorry to see Beth suffering, but as I pointed out in another post, while pain is optional suffering is not. As other people have pointed out, she needs more help moving through this situation than we are able and qualified to give here, and at this point I honestly don’t think we’re helping. No criticism to Beth intended. I went something like this years ago when I cared for a man more than myself and I can relate…. thing is, until you are willing to see and treat yourself as someone valuable and special, you will keep focusing on someone else and that is always a losing game. Beth will get herself together when she’s ready. And it is very possible she’s suffering depression, given her responses. But It’s not my place to try to diagnose that here. I’ve just never seen anyone so unresponsive for so long and it doesn’t seem we are doing any good but possibly harm at this stage by keeping it going. Venting too much actually makes situations worse. I won’t post or look here any longer, but of course what anyone else wants to do is up to them. Beth, I really hope you can get to the root of the issues you’re having and become the happy person you deserve to be.
Stefanie
I reversed that – pain is not optional, suffering is
Beth
I am depressed I’m sorry
I don’t know what to say
I’m getting and Going for help
I don’t need to be torn down
I’m sorry
Idk what to say
I’m depressed and unsureHappy
Can we all decide now to leave this to a professional? Or am I just ridiculous…?
Eric CharlesKeymasterHey holiday friends…
Let’s take a step back and check our approach… Beth doesn’t “owe you” anything…
She can participate however she wishes (or not). If you don’t like the way the conversation is going, just opt out.
I don’t understand people who start out wanting to “help” and then, a few pages later, they’re beating the person over the head with how they should be improving or acting…
When people show up in the forum, they’re usually at their lowest point, struggling with something incredibly emotionally raw and personal.
Some of those people stick around afterwards… and some of those people that stick around forget how “stuck” they once were when they first arrived here.
I, for one, can remember how stuck I myself have been at various points in my life.
I can remember what it was like to be so depressed that I didn’t leave my house for 2 or 3 weeks at a time… or would stay in bed for a whole 2 days, not wanting to be awake to face life.
If people were talking to me then the way that people are talking to Beth right now, it would have made me isolate myself more deeply than I already was.
For me, there came a breaking point where I was sick of being depressed and quite frankly I wasn’t going to commit suicide because I couldn’t do that to my family and loved ones. So instead, I “killed” the version of myself that cares about all that stuff I would ruminate on as a depressed person. I had to work at it for years, but I did dissolve my depression (which would come and go for months at a time) and I’ve been quite happy ever since.
Nobody here (including myself, Sabrina and the A New Mode website) claims to be a professional, nor is anything on this site to be considered professional, legal or medical help of any kind.
My comment on this is strictly my opinion. I do think Beth will do well working with a professional. I do believe that Beth will eventually get over and move on from this relationship.
At the same time, I can deeply appreciate how “stuck” a person can get when they’re truly depressed. How endless and hopeless it can feel when you’re inside of it. How you feel caught between wanting to escape the depression and having no idea how (moreover, how you feel your strength and your soul have been sucked out of you).
I’m a lot more sympathetic to someone like Beth who is going through tough times than some individual casually surfing the forums, complaining about how they think Beth “should” be responding.
This isn’t the first time I said this in this thread, please don’t make me say it again.
Just hear me out
<Clap> <clap>
^^^^^^^^
Thank you!hannah
I know it may seem that Beth hasn’t taken advice or made progress, but actually she has if you read the posts. She’s sought out therapy and has only reached out to her guy a couple of times, which I imagine has taken quite a bit of willpower based on these posts!
I’m not speaking on her behalf, but I can imagine she thought yesterday would be a yes or no to a relationship. It wasn’t! It was a “I care for you but I don’t want a relationship” so that leaves her in limbo. It’s now up to Beth to decide if she waits and hopes he gets to a place where he wants a relationship or moves on. This is a new situation, hence she doesn’t know what to do or think.
Does it actually matter how long the thread is? If someone still needs support, they still need support.
Rose
You’re right Eric, It’s just that sometimes it gets frustrating and more when we’re only trying to help but nothing seems to work. We’re not inside the problem so we don’t see how hard it must be for the person living it.
Beth, I wish nothing but the best for you and I send you a big hug.
A big hug for you too Eric and all the people on this website.
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