he said he needed space

I’m reaching out on Tuesday

Beth, DO NOT REACH OUT! If you do, and he rejects you again, which he will, all your doing is going back to DAY ONE and will have to start the process all over again!

Why do you continually want to torture yourself? This man has moved on and by clinging onto someone who doesn’t want to be with you is self destructive. Focus on your THERAPY because you haven’t made a lick of improvement or you wouldn’t want to reach out and talk to him. I’m sure your therapist would tell you NOT to do it, but I suspect your not being honest with him/her about wanting to fix the areas of your life, such as co-dependency, that makes men run away from you.

You are teaching your daughter very bad relationship skills—she’s watching and learning from you and I feel very sad that she’ll end up with same relationship problems you have. If you truly love her, then you would STOP doing this to yourself and her because she’s feeling it and its not right to inflict suffering and misery on a child because you refuse to accept REALITY that ITS OVER or you wouldn’t need to be the one to reach out.

You have A CHOICE to stop being rejected by this man, and I truly hope you end this dysfunctional tragic cycle and get well emotionally.

If you don’t leave him alone he’s going to file a restraining order against you. Do you really want that? Stop pestering this guy. Get some professional help.

Beth, what could you possibly have to gain by reaching out to him? Don’t know know by now you have to create your own closure? It’s sad to see you disintegrate into a shell of a person that once was. No one wants to date a shell- they’re empty and latch on to energy to fill their own void. You’re backtracking and if you think your child isn’t absorbing the negative energy and suffering along with you, you’re mistaken. As Lane says, you’ve made little to no progress and I truly question if you’re being selective about what you tell your therapist.

And I think it may be possible that you’ve exhausted all your support resources. Perhaps they may feel they’re doing more harm than good at this point. Everyone wants to see you get well and arrive at a place where you at least aren’t measuring all your self worth by a man’s approval of you.

That said, people will do what they want. And they’ll feel a certain way when they’re ready. You’ll just have to learn the VERY hard way.

Beth,
Checking in on you….how are you? I know you said you were going to contact him on Tuesday – did you?

I hope all is well.

I can’t believe that even after he told you all of that, YOUR MAIN CONCERN IS STILL GETTING BACK TOGETHER! This is not about you! Stop being selfish and realize that this man has problems and he needs to be away from you in order to get himself together because as he said, if you keep acting clingy, needy and desperate, it will KILL him. Is that what you want? Is your need to be loved by this man so out of control that you’re willing to overlook his personal problems just so you can get some love and attention? In the end, this man will grow to resent you for being so overbearing and he will NOT want you back. When he gets better, he will end up with someone else and not you. Being “friends” will not create attraction and connection. All it will do is put you in the friend zone. Leave him alone and focus on getting your own self better. I’m begging you. You’re too dependent on this man and it’s taking a toll on him!

Paige,

You posted that as I was writing my post. I completely agree – it’s really selfish to listen to someone pour their problems out and for Beth just to think, “Yes, but MEEEEEE”.
The man is ill. He has serious issues. He needs help. He doesn’t need you hovering about like a wet weekend thinking about yourself and sucking the life out of him.
Leave the poor bloke alone. I actually feel for him.

Annie

Tough love alert:

You received bad health news? First of all, are you ok? Secondly…

1) You’ve lost every shred of dignity. Picking him up from the airport after he happily takes off to Thailand? Making excuses for his absence?

2) You have allowed yourself to descend into a dark pit of despair because anything else doesn’t feel normal to you. It’s called co-dependency. Not the same as dependency, although you suffer from that too. Don’t know it, look it up in depth. I highly suggest you do two things:
a) Order the book Codependent No More
b) Do a search for Codependents Anonymous support groups near your area and ATTEND, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it is. Therapy is not enough in these cases.

3) You’re subconsciously feeding off his weakness. He’s in no frame of mind to communicate about this with you on ANY LEVEL and you’re taking advantage of that by holding out hope. You refused to listen to him the first 8 times. So you’re banking on the fact that because he’s weak right now, he NEEDS you and you’re biding your time with his silence and seemingly non-committal responses. He won’t slap you in the face and tell you no, we get that, but you refuse to accept it’s over. What part of “You’re killing me, Beth” don’t you understand? How do you even feel human asking him to get back together? Don’t you realize that you’re turning this into a situation about you?

4) Stop biding your time and “being there for him” as he’s “going through a hard time.” Your daughter is the victim in all this, but you refuse to see it. How do you think it feels to have her come home to a mother that’s focused on anyone but her? That’s vomiting up her food and barely functioning, as you’ve mentioned? I’m only going by what you’ve echoed in this entire thread, so I’m not trying to dictate how you should be as a mother. But I worry that this will all come to a head in the worst possible way and your child may be taken away from you. Is that what you want?

We care for you and want to see you get better, but you don’t want to. That much is clear.

I’m going to be even more blunt.

Not only is this guy someone who should never be around your child, he’s a total mess, but you are worse, because you are the one bringing all the crazy in. And it’s terrible you are not putting your daughter and her needs first.

Instead of chasing after this man and making a complete fool of yourself, your number one concern should be your child.

I knew that once I became a mom I had a responsibility to the little person I brought into this world. A responsibility that exceeded my own selfish desires, if they contradicted what was best for my son.

I truly hope whatever the health issue is, that it is nothing serious. But it’s time to grow up and be a responsible adult.

It’s a shame you don’t have any family to shake some sense into you, because this is really unfair to an innocent child.

If I was her father I would be concerned about her being with you in this state.

I’ve really wondered if this is fake. Reading through it and it doesn’t sound right at all..

This is post 800… let’s allow it to be the last one. This situation is fucked up beyond belief to the point it really does make one wonder if it’s real, but then truth is often stranger than any fiction. Beth isn’t willing or able to hear any of this advice, much less act on it. At this rate, it will take her years of therapy to be able to have a healthy relationship. There is nothing anyone can do and not another word anyone else can say that will make one bit of difference here. Wish you the best Beth and hope that someday you can work this out, for your sake and most of the all the sake of your little girl.

I’m here
I’m very depressed

Beth, therapy will never work unless you work it.

Therapy will never work unless you work it.

Therapy will never work unless you work it.

I’m going to get very personal here and very harsh. If you won’t learn from it, so be it, but at least it’s out there. My mother would kill me if she came upon this, so I may ask Eric to take this down at some point. Read it now.

Prime example 1:

In 2011, my aunt was diagnosed with sudden Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme (a rapid and malignant brain tumor). She was a second mother to me; I was devastated. My mom took the hardest hit as her older sister, however. During her 4-month battle, I started therapy (which I continue to this day). My mom refused. She died at the end of July, just two weeks after $2MM worth of surgery, to try and contain the tumor. After much begging and pleading (with my father’s help), we convinced her to go to a grief counselor after she died. Literally kicking and screaming. Like you, she was stubborn and focused solely on one impossible outcome (let’s face it; survival of a stage 4 brain tumor in the occipital lobe is damn near impossible unless there IS a God): BRINGING HER BACK. She refused to open her eyes and see the point of therapy: to improve herself and move past the grief knowing the reality of the situation. She didn’t last long at these sessions. She even said, I quote, “Why should I go to therapy? Therapy doesn’t bring people back from the dead.” My dad and I were speechless. I threw my hands up in the air and left well enough alone.

While time has healed some wounds, and she’s now moved on in whatever capacity possible, there are still severe scars that only a daughter and a son can see. Because my brother wasn’t around for various reasons, and I was, I served as her dumping ground. I still do to an extent, which is a primary source of co-dependency issues I’m still working through, and it hurts the hell out of me because I’m truly trying. If she had gone through with therapy and truly, REALLY worked it (not just going to shut people up as you probably are), I guarantee things would be drastically different. I know you’ll say, “But I’m trying, I’m so depressed, IDK, IDK. I miss him. IDK. IDK. IDK>” Case it point: You refuse to accept it for what it is. Dead. You are focusing on the wrong outcome: self-improvement. No therapist in his or her right mind will manipulate an outcome for you. Life doesn’t work that way.

You choose to remain stuck. I’m convinced you’re going to therapy and taking only bits and pieces of the discussion to fabricate an outcome you’ll never have: a relationship with this man who wants nothing to do with you. Just as therapy cannot bring back my beloved aunt, it cannot bring back this man.

Turn it around: Your daughter, while too young to articulate, is feeling this. “Mommy wants nothing to do with me” is what’s going through her head. She needs you more than ever and your choice to remain stuck is purely selfish.

Prime example 2:

A former best friend of mine had a shaky upbringing. Her parents separated when she was young and her mother behaved like an unstable child, chasing after relationships with men who didn’t want her, running from one bad situation to the next to cover up wounds, refusing to let therapy that was available work. Everything was everyone else’s doing, not hers. End result? My friend is becoming who she resents the most: her mother. “Like mother, like daughter” isn’t just a cliche. You are a product of your own upbringing. You will never be the best you can be for your child as long as you remain where you are.