Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
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ItAhiA.
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Beth
Kate- ok
Beth
I’m not going anywhere
Newbie
Hi Beth,
I apologize for thinking you were not real. I do think you are now. I decided to join your pain, although in the opposite direction. I have decided to cut off contact with the guy who treats me as a surrogate girlfriend. I don’t have to thank you for that, but Maria. I always think she is all about no contact and boundaries and zero fun, she inspired me to do it,
Thanks Maria,
You know Beth,its only about you. I can live my life just fine without that guy. So can you sweetieNewbie
There is a *but she inspired me to, missing
Beth
I do appreciate all the advice
Newbie
You have to act in your head
Beth
Newbie?
Maria
@Newbie,
Sweetheart, I am glad I inspired you to something and sorry I was no fun, but you didn’t come here for fun, did you? lol I know i didn’t. I paid a very high price for making some very basic mistakes (as i discovered later), it cost me weeks and weeks of suffering which could have been avoided, so I don’t want anyone else go to through anything remotely similar, especially when I can see how it can be prevented, and I can see it now in so many cases, thanks to this forum and all other materials I’ve read, so I am glad it is helping you in some ways.
Beth
I’m just sad and scared
beth
tomorrow will be a week :(
Newbie
Beth, i hopped on your threat to say that you need to turn the tables on him. You did great not contacting him, but you also have to ask yourself if you need a guy in your life that makes you so anxious. Decide that you need space too and if he text you a message, let him choke in it.
That site ex boyfriend ff recovery is pretty good. For me its not about wanting him back, but taking the power back. I thought i didn’t need to because i was fine being friends. Not true, its also a form of settling. at least for now, because in the end i’m not getting what i want. So i walked. And its a painful proces, but it well end well. For me in this case. Beth honey, that’s why i’m saying this to you. Its not about him, its about you. Even if you messed up by texting too much, changes are high he is not right for you anyway. And you don’t want to be in a relationship where the guy has all the power. Won’t work anyway. Educate yourself.And Maria i was lightly joking about the all boundaries, no fun part. But that’s actually what i do enjoy: different perspectives.
beth
ive made this mistake before
beth
I just thought he may miss me by now
Nichole
Hi Beth,
I think its best that you move on. But by moving on I mean learning to be happy alone and love yourself!I used to be guilty of the codependent issues myself until one day I got a dose of a needy guy on the other end and I was like ‘OMG this is annoying as all hell!!!” So, I realized that the biggest thing I could do was to block him on my phone and never speak or talk to him again or risk having a crazy stalker outside my window!
Having your own life with your friends, family, and hobbies make it where when you get into a relationship you have other things occupying your time and you dont NEED the relationship to make you happy!
Do yourself a big favor- delete his number. There’s even an app you can download to block yourself from contacting him. Move on or you will be a crazy lady in his mind forever.
Cali89
Beth,
I think you’re using him to fill in a missing space in your life…such as a void. You are so concerned about him what about YOUR needs in a relationship? You need to come to terms with if he never comes back that’s OK, and he wasn’t the best fit for you anyway. Your anxious and worried about him all the time, wouldn’t it be easier if you were relaxed and happy? You’ve gotten great advice on this thread and should start the steps of not focusing all of your energy on him and finding what you need in a relationship because based off of your posts, he isn’t the best fit for you.
Maria
Ladies,
How can you “move on” in the first week of no contact, seriously? The pain and grief are so acute!!
Beth, you did a great job, hang on there, after 14 days it will get easier. I think he will contact you for Christmas, and as fun-loving Newbie (hee-hee) was saying, let him choke on it a little. Do not rush to reply to him and when you do, be light and short with your replies.
This will serve two purposes: first, he will think that maybe you did actually change and second, his ego will get a little scratched, and when it happens, men’s interest gets stirred up (and shaken too).
I recently watched a short mini series called Flemming, about the guy who created James Bond. I highly recommend it, pay attention to the dynamic between him and the woman who captured his heart and how she did it, right from the very beginning. First, she couldn’t care less about his dashing looks and personality and told him off but in a sweet way, how smart! Then, she did not return his calls. She was mixing attention with “insults” and never showed or told him she loved him. When the time came to marriage, she said “I love being married”. Anyway, watch it, very educational. Oh, and she kept saying “you love me”, you do love me, without ever telling him the same. She behaved as if she did not need him, did not care about other women, until they were serious. But when they did get serious, she was not insecure to demand what she needs. But in a gentle way, no pushing or suffocating. I learned a lot from this.
Mae
Maria, I see what you’re saying, and it does get easier after a couple of weeks. Right now, Beth is in complete pain mode. It’s a bit of a grieving process. In some cases, it’s worse than grief because the situation is still alive an open-ended whereas with someone dies, you’re forced to accept it almost immediately after the initial shock wears off.
I’m just cautious about leading Beth to think she will hear from him; it instills a bit of false hope. I agree with your stance on no contact, but remember, Beth should be focused on getting HERSELF back, not the guy. Otherwise, all her efforts will have been for the wrong reasons and it will backfire. In short, the possibility of getting this guy back will solve the problem. It can and will likely come back with a vengeance.
This is an internal problem that Beth needs to solve. Soul-searching, therapy, and reflection. I personally do not think dating is a healthy option until she gets to the root of her neediness, insecurity, dependency, desire for validation, and overall agony.
Mae
Sorry, I meant to say… “The possibility of getting the guy back will NOT solve the problem.” HUGE difference. Please do not misunderstand!
Gemini615
Beth I think it’s time to accept this relationship is probably over and start moving on. Right now youre counting days since you’ve heard from him…don’t do that anymore, it will drive you nuts. It’s time for you to take your power back, go NC on your own, not because he’s not speaking to you, and start counting how many days it’s been into your journey of moving on.
I think the last convo you had with him coupled with his silence over the past week is indicative of his position; the relationship is dead. Do not wait around at his mercy.
beth
I want to resond but don’t know what to say
Maria
@Mae – I agree, but it is not possible to start working on yourself when you are hurting like that. When you have a headache you can’t go to the gym, you know. You need to get rid off the headache and rest first.
The relationship maybe over (or not) but for Beth, she needs to go through this stage of trying to save this relationship first. When you love someone, you can’t just drop things, even if it is what you should do and even if it is better for you in the long term.
The possibility of getting the guy back will not solve the problem, for sure, but it will help Beth feel better and learn the lessons as a result of trying.
I do think this guy will wish Beth a Merry Christmas, it is only polite to do so, but I just hope Bell will not jump at this as an excuse to go back to her old style etc. In her shoes, I would not assume he wants to continue the relationship, but it will be a good thing for her to GENTLY try and get him back.
Don’t forget ladies, she loves him. You can’t just walk away from love because rationally you understand it won’t work. You need to try and salvage it, and in some cases, it actually works, so I hope Beth will be able to 1) stay in NC, 2) not jump at him as soon as he shows up and not continue as if nothing happened, 3) work on herself so that this suffocating does not reoccur. And maybe things would work out between them.
Beth, keep us posted please!
beth
yes, maria
Thanks–
that’s exactly it
I don’t know how to always respond to the posters here, sorryPhillygirl
Happiness is choice. Moving on is a choice. Getting our power back is choice. You either choose to take control of life, or you choose a victim mentality.
You can love someone, truly love someone… and still leave them. You do that when you love yourself enough to know you deserve better.
I have done it. With tears on my face, aching and sorrow in my heart, and longing in my mind.
Because leaving, just like staying, is a choice. Loving is a choice. Some say it isn’t and I disagree.
Winners and those successful in life do not get there by mistake or pure luck. EVER.
They are a series of conscious decisions and learning as you go. Weeding out that which causes unsatisfactory result. Replacing bad with good.
Winners breed winning attitudes, and losers breed loser attitudes.
The moment you give up your power and say you have no control that is a loser mentality.You will never win at anything in life with that mindset, especially relationships. Notice, I’m focusing on the attitudes. I am not calling people losers.
It takes a conscious effort to be successful. So you have to start by taking back your power now, and taking responsibility for your life, your mind, and your heart.
This is where real love begins…
Nichole
I agree that she needs to not have any sense of false hope. I would go as far as recommending she doesn’t reply even if he wishes her a Merry Christmas. This relationship sounds like its came to a bad place that it cannot recover from. A one-sided relationship where she will always be giving and trying to be perfect and trying to do everything while walking on egg shells.
The grief is painful and it’s hard to get up and do anything else but trust me (I went through this last year)- getting up- saying “screw him”, “I dont need that in my life,” will make a world of difference.
STOP HOPING YOU WILL GET HIM BACK. All this is doing is still putting your focus on him and not yourself. Do you really want this? If you do get back together it should be a long time from now when you are in a better place- that means at some point you have to take charge of your life and know that you are worth it.
It took a lot of people giving me the same advice last year for me to get up and stop letting my ex control my emotions and behaviors even after the breakup.
Your life revolves around you.
I took a year and put myself first- I didnt think much about dating (and I even hooked up with my ex about 4 months after the breakup)- but by that time I was in a better place and after it happened I immediately stopped talking to him again because I didnt like how he made me feel about myself. I didnt want that in my life again. That anxiety that hanging on to his every move.. etc. Its a horrible place to be.
Now, fast forward and here I am falling in love with the greatest guy I have ever met. But its easy, relaxed.. and effortless. I dont worry about little things like if hes going to text me or not, because I know he will and he cares and puts the effort in to show me he wants to be with me. But I wouldnt be where I am if I didnt go through this trauma last year and learn to put myself first.
Beth
I don’t know what to say but not ignoring anyone
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