He said yes to a date… now I'm scared

You realize you just offered ‘Netflix & Chill’

Slow down & have a coffee…

I’m with Raven here. I think you may be starting this off on a weird foot. Get to know him in a neutral environment first, no?
Also, a guy who’s really into you will ditch all his baggage to ensure his happiness with you. Don’t make excuses for him. I think that’s how we find ourselves in situations we may have not signed up for. Take it slowly, putting yourself first always and allow him to contribute to the relationship as well.

He may well actually like you, but not want to move things forward because you guys work together, so please be prepared for that.

And, just in general, you gotta have self confidence with any guy. As Peggy said earlier, different guys find different things attractive. Just as some women might find a guy attractive, and maybe you wouldn’t.

Thank you so much everyone for your input! I do need to gain more confidence, that I know. I’m probably just psyching myself out. If he likes me as a friend, somebody he is very open and honest with, even comfortable enough to cry on my shoulder, then perhaps he’s moved beyond just what I look like. If my looks were any kind of factor, he would have backed off by now.

And yesn I do realize I’ve asjed him to Netflix and Chill. I’m not uncomfortable having him over. I’ve been to his place many times. I know his immediate family. I currently work with, or have worked with, all of them at some point (his dad and 2 brothers and his uncle), so we know each other pretty well. Yes, most guys would take the lead, make a move, etc. but that is simply not his style. In so long as I have known him, he doesn’t have much confidence or self-esteem either. He doesn’t speak up for himself or what he wants. He’s been so badly abused, not just by women but by his own family as well (his brothers tease and taunt him even though they are all grown adults; he lives with his dad and 1 brother and they talk about him behind his back all the time, running him down) that he says nothing most of the time. He just keeps his head down and agrees with what they say. The reason why I asked him over to my place is because we live in a very small, rural town. Neither of us has a vehicle, and there is literally nothing to do. We can have coffee and Dunkin Donuts, but I think he would be uncomfortable. I have only been alone with him 1 time- we were hanging out as a group at a friends house and everybody started going their own way until it was just us left. Our friend was on a call, leaving just him and I alone for a good hour or so. We just sat and talked the whole time and this is when he really opened about the garbage he deals with and he wound up opening up and crying about it all. So I suggested my place because I think he would be more comfortable and willing to open up since there will be nobody around.

And outside of that, this town has nothing to offer. We have 1 bar and it’s a nasty, dirty, disgusting dive and he’s been very vocal about how much he hates the place. (It’s the kind of place where you could catch a disease just walking through the door.) Also, haning out at home costs nothing. Right now, neither of us has any extra money to be spending- I literally have $11 to last me the next 2-3 weeks so even going for coffee or to the movies is off the table for quite some time.

Bottom line, I know it’s unconventional, but I do not feel uncomfortable having asked him over, nor do I feel that he is uncomfortable with coming over. I think he would prefer it because we both like to drink, we both smoke weed so it’s a low-key way of hanging out doing what we both would already be doing anyway, in our own separate homes.

It’s not so much that I am “determined” to have him over, we were going to go to the movies last week but neither of us had any money so we had to cancel those plans. And other than sitting in Dunkin Donuts, going to the movies or a dirty dive bar, there is literally nothing else to do in this town but hang out at home. It’s not like I live in the middle of the city. And neither of us have vehicles to be able to travel anywhere. Inviting him over has nothing to do with “determination”, it’s simply a lack of other options. I mean, what else do you do when you have no money, no transportation and your small little town has nothing to offer in the form of entertainment?

And sure, I am prepared if things don’t work out. Would I be sad/upset, sure. I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t. But I do know him well enough and I have respect for him- as I know he does me- he wouldn’t just ditch me to be a jerk. And while I know most any guy would take an invitation for alone time… he is not that kind of person. I have been with him when friends of ours try to get him to sleep with them. He turns down the offers. One night he even turned down an offer to sleep with somebody so he could walk me home instead.

I’m just scared moving forward. It’s been a long time (10 years+) since I last dated anybody. And what experience I do have is so little, and it was all just bad. All the men I ever dated abused me in one form or another.

This is the guy whose brother knows, yeah? Because going from the information from your previous posts, if you’re such good friends, of course he’d say yes to coming over to your place for a movie. It’s possible that’s all this is.

We told you if he liked you he would find a way to ask you out but you went and asked him anyway. I hope it works out for you but also be prepared that things may not happen as you’re imagining.

In your other post, I mentioned I have an ex boyfriend who has Aspergers. He not only has Aspergers, but he had been devastated from a terrible relationship. He was also very shy and reserved. BUT HE STILL ASKED ME OUT. I did not ask him out.

I just want you to be careful and not put …all of your eggs in his basket.

Yes- I recall your post from before about your boyfriend and I think it is wonderful that he worked up the courage to ask you out. But not 100% of all men are going to have that courage. If a man has low confidence, low self-esteem, or they think their crush is out of their league… they may never end up making the first move. I’ve already known him for years. This is why I am taking the reigns and I am making the first move of even asking him out. I mean, how much longer do I wait for him to approach me just because society says it has to be a guy asking you on your first date, it’s the guy who has to make the first move and kiss you…?

And this is exactly what he suffers from. Low confidence. Low self esteem. Very shy and easily embarassed. And his brothers, like I said even though they are grown men, they tease and taunt him and bully him if they find out he likes anybody. They’ve been teasing him about me. So I can only deduce that the reason he isn’t asking me out is he is because he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash he would receive from his brothers.

My apologies if I come off defensive, I just feel like I’m having to defend why I asked him in the first place. It shouldn’t matter who asks who. Women no longer have to sit and play the role of the damsel in the corner waiting for her big strong man to approach her. Maybe the date choice of Netflix and chill is wrong. So I just need to figure something else out… it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still scared of moving forward in a relationship because it’s been so long and I have such little experience, and no positive experiences.

And just to put it out there- yes, I am envisioning a relationship with him eventually. I have been through enough to know that I would never give anybody the time of day if I didn’t think there was potential for a long term reltionship there. “Casual dating” is just not my thing. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just not for me. Whether he wants that, I do not know, we’ve never discussed it, but I know how I feel and what I want. And I want to be prepared for if/when the relationship issue ever comes up.

I understand why you feel defensive

But my ex boyfriend wasn’t confident either. You keep making excuses for why he isn’t asking you out and in all my years (I’m 40), I have never met a guy who was “afraid” to ask a girl out. When guys like a girl, they show it. Even the shy, damaged ones.

I feel you’re building this up in your head and are headed for heartbreak. I really do hope that you’re right, and if you are, I will gladly eat crow. But it seems you’re overthinking this and have very high expectations. Guys sense that and when they do, they tend to step back.

I’m sorry you feel attacked. It does sound like you’re in a difficult situation in your town, with the lack of things to do, and your financial circumstances as well.

It strikes me that the one time you had a private conversation with this guy, he broke down crying and started telling you about all the garbage he deals with in his personal life.

I don’t think it’s wrong that you asked him out. What’s done is done, anyway. He sounds like a guy severely lacking in confidence and self esteem.

As a general rule I would agree with the others that a home date is a terrible idea for a first date. But given everything you’ve described in great detail, and the fact that you’ve already invited him and I assume intend to have him over, just approach him as a friend and don’t overthink the relationship stuff. You do already know him and his family so keep it friendly and just talk, don’t get physical. Don’t get drunk or smoke a lot of weed while you’re hanging out, so that you keep a clear head. Sit at a table rather than on the couch, to talk.

I’m reading all of this and you are working way too hard to make something happen between you. Men actually don’t like it when women work too hard for them, it takes their job away and they might not be able to say it, but they will feel resentful and repelled.

You’ve tried to let this guy know you’re interested but he hasn’t asked you out. That means there’s a road block of some kind on his end.

Major clue: “We just sat and talked the whole time and this is when he really opened about the garbage he deals with and he wound up opening up and crying about it all.”

Velvet, this guy is a MESS. Men don’t sit and cry to women they hardly know about their lives. I really feel for him. He’s clearly hurting.

However! This means he is not able to hold up his end of a healthy relationship right now!!!! He knows that. That’s why he’s not asking you out. Men need to feel worthy and if he doesn’t feel that way for some reason, he won’t want to be with you. All your kindness and understanding will not only go into a giant black hole, he’ll wind up hating you for being a combination mother/therapist/fixer.

That’s quite a pitch you’ve given there. Go for it. Why not? A good friend of mine did all the initiating and they are married. She even said let’s get married and chose the engagement ring. She accepts he’s got fine qualities that suit her in other areas. But he’s no romantic nor initiator or anything. He even gave her flowers once that weren’t delivered somewhere else as he is a delivery man, which she lost it at but he genuinely didn’t know why as he thought I wanted to give you flowers as it was valentines and this meant it didn’t cost us money! I know right? However he’s a good heart. He too has aspergers and thinks differently.

OP if you are sure in your thoughts then why not? When are you planning the date?

When are you planning it is what I’m asking – is it soon? I’d like to know the outcome