He said yes to a date… now I'm scared

My advice is to forget this guy. Save up money and move out of that town. Find a job elsewhere. Your confidence will have a plenty of boost when you don’t have to scrape money together to have coffee with the last guy in town.

Here’s your fundamental problem. You are the one trying to push him into liking you a certain way and that is the worst way to get a man to like you romantically. Men are super simple, they either like you romantically or they don’t. They know within SECONDS of meeting a lady if they want to pursue something with her or not—its how they are biologically wired.

He has done nothing to show any form of romantic interest in you based on what you’ve written. He has had plenty of opportunities, heck you work for his family and live in a small town, yet he as not done anything other to keep you in a “quasi-friendzone” if you can even call it that as only circumstances (his friend’s phone call) seems to be the only reason he gives you any attention.

Having him over to your house isn’t going to instantly, suddenly or magically make him feel romantic towards you. Sure, he’ll take some easy sex if you offer yourself up but 10 -1 he will avoid you after that, and pull way back, which is a man’s way of saying “I’m not interested in you that way and I am not taking this any further.” It won’t be so harsh but it will be something more along the lines of “you’re a nice lady BUT…..” when you ask him over again.

You are playing in a fire pit with this one, especially if it becomes ‘too weird’ for him and could lose your job, so I would be super leery about *pushing* anything with this one. If I were you I would just maintain the friendship, treat him the way you treat others in the ‘friends group’ until HE [key word] SAYS and then shows you in many different types of ACTIONS that he likes you more than just an acquaintance/friend/co-worker. If he doesn’t back off and accept its a no go.

All i keep hearing is leave him alone. He HAS to be the one to approach me. and if he doesn’t and I attempt to make a move then any possible relationship is doomed. Yes, most guys may like to be the one to take charge. But that does not mean 100% of all men. Some men don’t like to take charge. Some men want women to take charge. And as somebody mentioned above, not all men are romantic and make romantic moves.

I can accept if people think I am pushing myself on hi. and maybe that is how I am coming across on here, but I am not pushing myself on him. I have maintained a friendship for 8 years. How is that pushing myself on him?

Yes, because *YOUR MOTIVES* and HIS MOTIVES are not in alignment!

You are trying to get him to like you in the romantic way which is very clear in your post. The fact is, in over 8 years he as not done a cotton picking thing to make any romantic gestures towards you and that IS your answer—he doesn’t like you ‘that way’ or he would have done something other than cry on your shoulders over his ex. He see’s you as ‘a friend’ and that’s it.

Go ahead and do what you’re going to do but be fully prepared for whatever the fallout or outcome is should you make a romantic move on him and he feels hoodwinked. Like my mother said “you make your own bed, you get to lie in it” meaning for every action you undertake there is a consequence, and based on what you’ve written I believe this pill is going to be a very bitter one for you to swallow.

I find it funny that you come on here for dating advice saying you haven’t dated in 10 years yet want to ignore everyone’s advice thinking you know how to do it better! I really agree this guy is a mess. Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like he’s a good candidate for a relationship. Essentially you’re telling us a damaged guy with no self esteem, a history of bad relationships, who is bullied by his family, and breaks down and cries to you the first time he’s alone with you is the best choice you have to date in your town. And yet you get offended and defensive when we think you deserve more! I also agree you really need to get out of this town and take a better job. It will increase your self worth and your ability to meet more people. No, it’s not going to be easy, but neither is finding yourself in the same exact situation 2-5 years from now either!

You are the only one who can wake up and change your circumstances! And that should be your focus every single day. If I were you I would be finding any way I could to make extra money. You have so many options open to you online even if you live in a small town. Your priority right now 100% of the time 24 hours a day 7 days a week should be getting yourself in a better financial position. I would be getting rid of every single thing I don’t use either on Ebay, Craigslist, Mercari, FB Marketplace or at a pawn shop. Have a yard sale if you can. Do something to get more than $11 in your account for the next 2 weeks. 

But if you are hell bent on having this date as I assume you are it’s really pretty easy. You say he’s already turned down women who wanted to sleep with him on multiple occasions. All you have to do is say, Hey N, I wanted to clarify I said let’s do Netflix and chill because neither of us have the cash to go out to a bar or restaurant right now. I haven’t dated in years so when someone told me what that means, I just want to make sure you don’t think I wasn’t inviting you over to get intimate! Then have him over. Not sure why you are trying to make this more complicated.  

Does he even know this is a date?

I agree with Alia, forget this guy and get out of that town.

It sounds like both of you are in no place to be dating. For some reason you seem dead set on having this home date with this guy. The more you explain the worse the situation sounds.

Please focus on getting in a better place. I think because of what’s going on in your life you feel drawn to this guy.

Best of luck but, I don’t see anything healthy and worth while coming from this situation.

I highly doubt he thinks its “a romantic date” which a date is when you are romantically interested in a person when you stated in your original post:

“So I asked him out yesterday- I asked him if he’d like to come over to my place sometime and we can relax- maybe have a couple drinks and watch movies. He said yes so I told him I would get back to him once I have something planned.”

That is not a date. That is two friends “hanging out’ which is how you posed it to him. Go back and tell him this not a friend hang-out but “a date” in hopes you can move your friendship to the romantic level, then come back and tell us how he responds to that.

I’ve felt “hoodwinked” in this type of scenarios especially if I didn’t have any romantic feelings for the person. They make it out to be a friend hang-out and then make a romantic move on you, and you’re like WTH! I think you are trying to set this guy up in a romantic web and he doesn’t understand he’s being trapped. Its manipulative to be honest.

I am absolutely not trying to manipulate him! That has never been and will never be my motive. I know how it feels to be lied to, led on, manipulated and I would never in a million years do that to anybody.

When I say a date but hanging out as friends… I simply mean I do not plan to have sex with him. This is not a “Netflix & Chill” kind of booty call. Yes we will hang out and watch movies probably smoke and drink, but I am not trying to “trap him” or “trick him” then throw myself at him and be all over him. That is not my style.

I think everyone is taking my motives WAY WAY WAAAAAY out of context. I asked him to hang out at my place, I said it would be low key, no pressures, just hanging out and having fun. I told him if he was uncomfortable with the idea he didn’t have to come over. He still agreed to come over. And he already knows that I like him. He *knows* this. So if he had any inkling of thought that I would try and “trap him” or “trick him” and manipulate the situation, he never would have agreed to come over in the first place. In fact, he has been very open and honest with me that some of our own friends and co-workers have tried hitting on him for the sole purpose of sleeping with him (remember, I was there for one of those incidents) and he has turned them down. The one I was there for, he turned the woman down- he turned down sex- to instead walk me home. So he knows what a booty call looks like and if he thought that is what this was, and there was no attraction on his part, he would not have agreed to come over in the first place.

He is not stupid. He knows exactly what he’s getting into. If he doesn’t “like” me, but he knows I like him, why would he agree to come over and hang out alone in the first place?

And just for the record, just because he has a bad history of relationships, just because neither of us has money, that does not mean we cannot be there for each other to help each other and support each other. Again, I am NOT looking to start a relationship the minute he walks through my door. These things take time, and now that we’ve built a close friendship over the years, why not take the next steps? You never know what’s on the other side if you don’t take that leap. Being poor or having bad relationship history does not make people unworthy of being loved or seen through any kind of romantic filter. My mom met her husband after they both got out of very seriously abusive relationships, my mom had no money, he had no money, they were both vulnerable emotionally… but 10 years later they are still married, they love each other very much and are 2 of the happiest people I’ve ever known. So being at the bottom of the barrel is absolutely no excuse to avoid dating or spending time with somebody to get to know them. In fact, that’s all dating is. It’s the time you take when you get to know each other. You don’t learn everything there is to know about each other first and then decide after 2 years of that “oh let’s date”. Dating IS the process of getting to know each other.

This not your standard oh he’s a guy from a good home and he has a good paying job… he’s not the stereotypical person you read about on these dating sites. Yes he has some baggage, but who of us doesn’t? Do all of you mean to tell me that you all had your lives 100% figured out and on the right track and you all had good paying jobs, nice homes, nice cars, thousands in savings in the bank, and everything perfectly in line for your lives before you ever even gave thought to dating anybody or getting into a relationship? My guess is going to be no… and for those that did, I’m happy for you, truly. But not EVERYBODY falls into that category. In fact, most people don’t.

I’m not seeing things as black and white. You guys are. You’re the ones saying “You asked him first it’s doomed. Men have to make the first move because it makes them feel manly” or “he hasn’t made a move so he’s not interested, you’re just making it all up in your head/you’re building this up”. There’s gray areas with that as well. Guys can like you and STILL not make a move. What is so hard to understand about that? I will say yet again, I just do not know why everybody is so hung up on me asking him out. Me asking him out has nothing to do with any of this. It wasn’t even the reason for my original post! I just had fears because I know…. I know the romantic stuff is going to happen eventually. No we have not even kissed or anything yet, but I know by the way he acts around me, the way he treats me specially and different from anybody else- there IS some kind of “beyond friendship” kind of attraction there. The sexual tension is there. You can feel it, you can sense it.

I repeat: a guy can like you but never make a move. It doesn’t mean he has no interest. It just means he’s scared/nervous/shy/insecure/whatever. That does not mean he doesn’t like you. Yes some men like the manly feeling of taking charge and making the first move, but NOT ALL men do. That is pressure to many people and there are many who detest that kind of pressure.

It’s no different than saying “Well, if you marry somebody than you have to have kids. There’s a rhythm to relationships and that’s just part of it. You get married buy a house and have kids” when the truth is, not everybody marries for the purpose of having kids. My sister and her husband are the perfect example. They love each other very much but have zero plans of having kids.

So why does it have to be all or nothing… you HAVE to let him chase you. You HAVE to let him ask you out. You HAVE to let him make the first move because ya know… that’s just how its done.

No, it isn’t. And I will report back on this. He is coming over tomorrow and things will not change between us. Unless they change for the better- and who knows, maybe the reason he hasn’t made a move is because we haven’t had much of that private 1 on 1 time together. Neither one of us is the kind of person that will run up to each other and start making out in front of everybody. We’re very private people. And this alone time may be just what he’s been waiting for to make his first move, especially since we hang out with his brother 99.9% of the time. And if they tease and taunt and bully him, of course he won’t want to make a move on me in front of them, not would I want him to because I wouldn’t want them regging on him that way because I know it upsets him. And the last thing I want is to see him hurt or upset.

Look, at the end of the day, do whatever you wanna do. You’re putting a ton of energy into arguing and defending your position to a bunch of strangers on the internet. You shouldn’t care this much. People can give their commentary but you don’t have to agree. If you want to have him over, have him over. Several posters here (including myself) have told you just that.

I stand by what I said that he does not sound like he’s in a good position mentally for a relationship. Yes, everyone has issues. Everyone comes into dating with some kind of baggage. But some folks have a carry-on, and others have 10 giant suitcases of baggage. There’s a spectrum. A guy that started crying and talking about what garbage is life is the one time we had a one-on-one conversation, is NOT someone I would want to date. But that’s me. You do what you want.

At this point i strongly encourage you to get in a positive mood for tomorrow. And spend less time here arguing that everyone here is stuck in the 20ies (i actually counted the posts that sort of stated that chasing is unwise and there are not that many.) You would be a good lawyer. In fact i asked my bf on a first date, well even worse i dragged him into bed since i was only looking for a booty call. So nothing is impossible but these cases are more about common stats. You cant start with seeing zebra’s.
I think anyone here is rooting for you and therefore warning you to be cautious. But you act like we are all stupid and are demeaning. Yes when it comes to fixing your finances and get out of that town we are maybe. But still it comes from a good place. At the same time you got plenty of advice on how to act on this first date (paige for instance). So at least the date/hag out should work out.
I personally think you Do not really believe you are worthy to be loved. And some background you have given makes that likely for me. I wasted my 20ies and 30ies like that. Always falling for basket cases, overaged guys, dream guys. All because i had a father who made me feel unworthy. When my now bf came along i pushed him away but after a while i realized he was actually fully into me unlike all those other clowns from the past (not all but just to paint a picture). So do the date, but i do believe with some work you can achieve way more

I never said he “stares” at me. Where that came from, I have no clue. But sure, he is always looking my way, glancing up towards me or in my direction if I am walking towards him. He’ll turn to his head to try and glance at me real quick, then look away when I catch him doing it. Men don’t try and steal glances of people if they don’t have some kind of interest in them. Even this website makes that claim. Do you mean to suggest if you find a guy attractive (or woman, whatever your preference, I make no judgements), that you don’t try and steal glances at them when you can? Do you just walk around with blinders on and keep your head down every time they go by you or talk to you?

And he doesn’t “stalk” my page. I never even said that so again, where you got that idea from I have no idea. I said he checks out my page- or he’ll see something that I posted show up on his timeline. I check out other peoples’ pages also. My mom. My best friend. My brother. His girlfriend. My sister. Any of my friends and co-workers. And I do this because I may be interested in seeing what they’ve posted. I’ve added a lot of people, I follow a bunch of junk pages from over the last 15 years. I don’t always see what my friends/family post because it’s buried under all kinds of junk… so I just go straight to their page because it’s easier than scrolling for hours on end. That doesn’t mean I’m stalking them.

It has nothing to do with me “not liking” what you have to say. I absolutely respect everything you’ve said. You’re just wrong about some of the claims you have made (not all, but some). Not every male on the face of the planet acts and behaves in the exact same way just because society dictates it as so. Just because some guys may like making the first move does not mean all men like making the first move. Why is it so hard to believe or accept that maybe he’s in that minority?

And I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. Maybe men with baggage are just not for you; me personally, I do not mind it. Who am I to judge anybody when I have baggage of my own? Again, it does not mean we can’t be there to help each other and support each other. In fact, we are both struggling with many of the same issues, so why not try and do just that? This is the very thing that can help build a strong and healthy relationship. Being there for each other. Talking to each other. Sharing with each other. Supporting each other. Caring for each other. If you can’t love somebody at their worst (and I am not saying I am in love with him, just for lack of a better word. But I will say I do love and care about him as a dear friend)… then how can you ever truly love or care for somebody? It’s not all about just the good times. You need to be there for each other in the bad times too. So the suggestion that some have made that I need to just move on and forget him… to me that’s like saying “well, because he has some baggage and still needs to get his sh*t together… he’s not worthy of your time”. To me that is highly judgmental behavior and if there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, it is people who judge other people. Is it impossible to believe that maybe the reason he doesn’t have his sh*t together is because he’s not surrounded by the right people? His own family doesn’t support him. They treat him like crap. I am the only person that treats him with kindness and dignity and respect. I’m the only person telling him how much I appreciate him and all that he does. I am the only person who shows him positive attention with no ulterior sexual motive.

It’s like I have always believed, yes I am a big girl and the thought of losing weight and being all skinny and pretty terrifies me. I was there once before and I was nothing but a sexual object to the men I came across. If somebody can learn to see me and like me when I’m not exactly looking my best, then that is somebody I want to get to know more. Because it means they see me as something more than just a sexual object. My best friend is going through this now. She used to be big like me. But she lost all kinds of weight and now she has creepy guys stalking her and hitting on her constantly. I want somebody who can see beyond my surface. My whole point being, because I know in my heart, if they can like me and support me during my worst times, then I know they’ll stick by my side in the best of times.

And again, maybe you’re right. Maybe with his baggage he isn’t a good candidate for jumping into a relationship with. But that is NOT what I am after and I NEVER said it was. Maybe one day, eventually, yes, if all goes well here in the beginning. But I am NOT looking to jump on him and ask him for a relationship or to marry me the very second he walks into my apartment.

All I am asking is to hang out. That is it. Yes I have a romantic interest in him. But I am a grown woman. Maybe years ago, when I was much younger, yes, I would have slept with somebody on the first date. But that’s not me anymore. I know how those situations end up. I am now 10+ years older, wiser, smarter and more mature. I can be patient and wait for him if he’s not ready yet.

And my belief is… he’s not doing these things because he has no mind of his own. I believe he is trying to find a way to connect with me and relate to me because he is unsure how to do so. As somebody who also has a history of bad relationships and who has also been out of the dating game a long time, I am not afraid to admit sometimes I have a hard time trying to relate to and connect with people. It can be tricky and even nerve-wracking at the best of times. So if I see something they posted, I may look into it a little more. When he suggests to me a song or movie to check out or a new food to try… I do. It then gives me something I can go back to him and talk to him about. “Hey, so you suggested the Singapore noodles at the Chinese restaurant… itried and they are amazing! I’ll have to start ordering them more often!” This is the exact same thing he’s doing… what is wrong with that? Where is the harm in that? Where does that say he is mindless and only agreeing with what I say?

And yes, I am defensive because none of you are in this situation. I realize it sounds a bit unconvential, but all but 1 person on here has tried to tell me “this is no good”, “he has no interest”, “you shouldn’t make the first move”… you’re all acting like you know him and the situation better than me, and I’m the one in it.

I came here seeking advice on how to feel better and more confident about my body. Not to be attacked simply because I said that I asked him out before he had a chance to ask me. And that is exactly what has happened.