Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He says he want to be just friends but acts like we are in a relationship
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Stefanie.
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KJ
I am a married but recently separated woman in my late 40s who reconnected with my high school sweetheart through Facebook. Shortly after this his chronically ill son died. I told him to please call me cuz I would be there for him. When he called and I heard his voice it felt like ” home” that’s the only way I can describe it. When I went to the wake I felt this extremely intense feeling that I should be by his side. I felt like I belonged with him. When my best friend since childhood (she dated him too) left she told me she felt a strong, palpable connection between him and I without me saying a word to her first. It was the weirdest thing ice ever experienced. After the wake we have texted or spoke on the phone everyday( it’s been 7 months). The first few months he gave me the impression he wanted a relationship. I ended up leaving my husband because Being his friend made me realize how little fulfillment and friendship I was getting from my marriage. I’ve been ignored like part of the furniture for years,
.The same day I told my husband I wanted a divorce this guy told me he ” just wants to be friends” and can’t be in a relationship with anyone right now. He suffers severe anxiety and depression and is on disability due to this. We have connected on a very deep, emotional level. He knows I have feelings for him but he says he says doesn’t want to ruin our friendship and he can’t be in a relationship with anyone right now.. I am so sad because I truly love him and the person he is and I know he cares a lot for me too. We text every morning and say goodnight every night. I visit him about once a month at his place. I know he has a lot going on in his head, he said he is up and down all the time and makes a better friend than a boyfriend. Am I crazy to continue this closer friendship hoping that someday he changes his mind? I feel very attached to him and can’t imagine not talking or being closer to him. He has given me more from his friendship in the last 7 months than my husband gave me in 18 years of marriage. Logically thinking I know neither one of us is ready for a relationship. I just don’t know if I’m leading myself down a path of heartbreak. I’ve never ever felt this way in my whole life. After I am with him I have such a feeling of love and peacefulness in my heart, then I cry for days because I want more and he doesn’t. I’m putting myself on such an emotional roller coaster ride. He also said he is poor and doesn’t have a car. I have a career in which I am financially doing well. I don’t know if that is intimidating…I would share everything I have with this man. Please help, I could really use some advice. ThanksNatalie
This one is a tough one! Eric always says that if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you he means it. This man is telling you he just wants to be friends so as painful as it is for you, you need to accept it. It’s your choice whether you choose to continue talking to him and seeing him just as friends but you need to get to a point of acceptance.
I was in a similar situation recently where I ended things with a guy I was dating because I felt he needed time alone. We reconnected later with me trying to rekindle the relationship with him, only to be told that it was a friends only thing. There have been weeks of no contact only for us to resume talking again. I still see us as being perfect for each other but he doesn’t see it so I’ve let the idea of ‘us’ go to a point where I’m now dating other people. We text everyday and I see him regularly but it’s just friends and I’m finally ok with it. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.
One important thing about relationships is reciprocation – do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? I certainly don’t! If you are ready, you should start dating again. You never know who you might meet and it’s a good chance to make new friends at the very least. I’m dating online and it’s great.
Your situation sucks but there isn’t a lot you can do because you can’t make someone want to be with you. All the best.
Maria
Ok KJ, I’m going to be honest with you and I hope my directness doesn’t come across as blunt. I only want to give you a different perspective on your situation.
Basically what you are saying is that you were married for 18 years and weren’t happy with you marriage. Your decision to divorce what somewhat driven by the fact that you met someone else who gave you something you didn’t receive in your marriage, fulfillment and friendship in your own words. Now you seem to think this other person you gave you a glimpse of what you want, have been longing for for possibly a long time, and absolutely deserve, is the only person who can give it to you.
Now, I would say you are mixing two things, an unhappy marriage and an infatuated crush. Maybe it was this guy who made you realize your marriage wasn’t what you wanted. Maybe he really does make you feel good. But based on what you wrote, I think you are abandoning a sinking ship (your marriage) and clinging on to this guy as if he was the only life buoy out there. I can imagine it’s scary to be alone after 18 years of marriage and after getting a taste of the things you’ve longed for, it’s human you want more. But sweetheart, you can swim. You don’t need to cling on to that buoy. And there are other life buoys, even boats, ships and, for the love of it, cruisers out there!
You may not like the word “single” or be used to being on your own, but I suggest you let go of this guy (romantically, at least), get to know yourself as a single person again, and start dating. Only by being on your own for a while and listening to your heart you will realize what you want from your man, relationship, your life itself. You already noticed you want fulfillment and friendship – that’s a great start, now you know to look for these when dating. But as this guy can’t give you what you want and as my guess is you’re not fully recovered from the divorce either, your best bet is to move on. It’s hard and it’s scary but it will be worth it. Trust life, it will lead you. All the best!
Stefanie
Honey please don’t leave your marriage and get into this, because you think you have some kind of imaginary. It has disaster all over it. Don’t get involved with a man with the financial and health issues he has for any reason. (PLUS he is grieving for his son.) You can’t win this, ever.
You are acting like a co-dependent rescuer. We women always want to take a “project” and nurture a man like he’s a wounded bird, thinking he will be grateful… and usually the opposite happens. He leaves and we are devastated because we gave too much.
I don’t mean this as harsh… but you are delusional because you are unhappy in your marriage and grasping at straws. Been there myself.
Deal with your marriage situation and then step back from this man. No, hanging around being “just friends” will not get you anything. I”m not saying drop him entirely as you’ve known him for a while, but there is big drama around him and you don’t need it.
I hope this helps. Hugs.
Stefanie
imaginary magical “connection”
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