He says he wants to be friends after rejecting me

Hi @Lisa, you don’t really need to entertain him or let him guilt you into sharing stuff you don’t want to share.

Be ‘friends’ and find other things to do, be busy when he calls…

I think you can have real platonic relationships/friendships with men. He sounds exhausting though…

He’s 40?!

This friendship consists of him sucking your energy with you getting nothing in return?

There’s a few things you’re not considering here in my opinion.

He has known you all his life, you’re the sister of his best friend. You feel like family. It is not going to be so easy jumping into bed with you if he’s any decent person who has respect for you and your brother. That’s one.

Two: All this talking you had, did he say what his intent or expectations were? Did you tell him you just want sex?

Three: I feel like if you already had desire for eachother (even while growing up) it would have showed and he would have had sex with you without even thinking. So more flirting and dates and fun times was needed to discover if you have that kind of passion for one another was missing.

Should have let him make the move on you, would have been much easier.
I don’t know but for some reason, I’m getting the vibe that he wasn’t ready.

For sure things will never be the same now. But for the sake of him not wanting you to shut him out, just ask him what is it he wants to happen between you. What kind of relationship he wants with you because you don’t feel it is clear enough.

Hey Rubi!

You make valid points.

The first point you make is something that he did somewhat express. I’m not sure my brother’s feelings are necessarily involved in the equation, but it was something I myself considered. I didn’t want to create any issues between he and my brother but he has mentioned to me several times that I am “like a sister to him.” However, my brother has never commented at length to me on my body, pointed out that my underwear are peeking out of my jeans (meaning he’s checking out my rear) or any other variety of comments that he has made to me in the past.

The second point you make is a little harder to dissect. He has made his intent/expectations somewhat clear, but he constantly goes back and forth on them. Whereas I have made it EXPPRESSLY clear that all I wanted was sex and he wasn’t interested.

Everything else you’ve said is also spot on and I have asked him FLAT out and very clearly (because we’re both 40+ year old adults and I’m not mincing words anymore I want/need to know where I stand) what he wants and he has said he wants to be friends. I can’t be JUST “friends” with someone I want to sleep with. Guys aren’t the only one this happens to.

this is way too exhausting. and your are spending too much time trying to figure a situation with a man which is going nowhere. i think what you want is sex and that’s not happening with him. and what he wants is to stay in touch and you are not really all that keen. so why don’t you just take a step back from this guy? don’t be so available when he calls and pings. be occupied be busy. he will get the hint without you shutting him out completely. thats what i do.

When someone says one thing and acts a different way and it doesn’t align, believe the more “negative” of the two. I say this a lot in my posts here, but one of the biggest red flags is when words and actions don’t align. At that point it truly doesn’t matter why, because the outcome is you’ll never get what you’re hoping for out of a situation with a person like that. Most often when I’ve been in situations similar to yours, the guy was emotionally unavailable and specifically underneath that had a fearful avoidant insecure attachment style. That meant he DID make things difficult on purpose (though wasn’t necessarily aware of doing so!) to keep me close enough but not too close that he’d start feeling scared of closeness. And yes, those men tended to split who they wanted sex from and who they wanted emotional intimacy from and couldn’t handle the same person providing both, it was too scary! But again, they weren’t even aware of their own behaviors that were actually defense mechanisms. So that’s why you don’t need to fully understand it, you just need to recognize and accept what’s going on and make the best choices for yourself from there. Because guys like these aren’t capable of looking out for you on your behalf, as they can’t even fully deal with themselves.

He isn’t interested in what you want, no matter the reason, so you have all the information you need and move on from there. If you can’t be friends with him right now, or at all, be honest and tell him you need space and go no contact for a while. If he pushes you to talk, he’s disrespecting your boundaries, and it does NOT mean anything romantic. It’s just his issues and not wanting to be “abandoned” as he cares about you as a person and likes your company.

The only other guy who ever did this to me was gay and still kind of in the closet lol. I felt like such a moron a few years later when he was more open about that! But we were in our 20s not our 40s.

Going off of something Maddie said– I dated a guy years ago who wanted emotional closeness, but basically refused sex. He gave me total mixed signals, would flirt up to a point, but he would frequently refuse to have sex when it got to that point. We did have sex a handful of times while dating, but it was like pulling teeth on my end. And he flat out rejected me for sex many times. But boy, did this guy ever want emotional closeness and intimacy. He wanted to talk for hours and wanted to occupy all my emotional energy. I see many parallels to your story, OP.

Long story short, the guy I was dating was gay and was in denial to himself. He eventually got drunk and hooked up with a gay guy that I know – that’s how I found out. He is still not really “out” (he insisted the hookup was a drunken “accident”)– whatever. After that happened everything became totally clear to me, that the guy was in the closet.

*that my ex has dated had the same experience

who really knows whats he about? not us and not you. i agree with what maddie said. you have to see what works for you first. this friendship thing is not working out for you. so explain to him and cut off contact for some time.

The guy sounds lonely and is looking to you to feed his starving ego. I would send him a puppy with a card that says “your new friend”—that will help keep him occupied haha.

i smell guilt from your post. pleas don’t. you have to look out for your interests and so does he. he tried to stay in touch with you because that’s what he needs in his life presently. unfortunately what you need does not match with his needs. as simple as that. he is luking out for satisfying his needs and so are you. i think you should just block him for the present so that you don’t get sucked back in again bec of his needy behavior and your guilt. you have explained and that’s all you can do. pls just block him, stay away, keep him away and focus on self.

your still in touch? wwhy?