He says he's scared… What does this mean?

Thanks Mel! I’ll do just that. :)

I have a slightly different take on this. I would not endlessly date a man who is scared. Really, at 4 months in the same city, I would expect that he would feel the fear and then make a choice. You have essentially said, I will wait forever while you choose. I would want them to be doing something about that scared. That means taking responsibility for healing it. He is a man and may be afraid to do that, but I must be honest. This would be a huge red flag for me.

My concern is that you did not come out of this conversation with much more than him saying I am scared. Did you tell him you want a committed relationship? Did you tell him that you won’t stay with him forever as he sorts things out?

I would not shame him for being scared, you want him to feel rewarded and safe for telling you, but I think it is letting him off the hook without an action plan and timing.

Healthy men make you their girlfriends in 8-12 weeks, you are way beyond that. Only you know if you want to take a risk on this.

I am not saying dump him, I am saying that you do not need to just wait. You can talk about your needs too – by thanking him for sharing and then sharing your truth.

I did tell him I want a committed relationship. I think he’s also sorting out some things in his life. I’m willing to give him more time, but how much should I give him? I’m not willing to wait forever but I feel like giving him a little more time is fair. I’m not sure how I’d bring this topic up again though… It was hard enough to have the guts to bring it up the first time!

Chealea,

One way to handle it would be to go back to him and ask if you can help. I would share that you really really appreciate that he feels safe to share with you, and that you are so happy you have that type of relationship. Then I would say, I know you are working through your stuff right now, what can I do to help?

Then I would follow up some weeks later and ask explicitly about the committed relationship. Keep it to your feelings. Something like… we have been dating for 5 months now, and I am at a place in my life where I need a growing and committed relationship. I would like that to be with you, but I want to check in if we are on the same page. If he says yes, great.

If he says no, I suggest you say – I understand you are working on some things, but at 4 months I need to be in a growing relationship, not an unclear situation. I am sorry, but what are your thoughts on how you are progressing, because I cannot wait much longer.

I don’t like the fact you went into ‘convincing mode’ with this man. You should not have to try to convince him that you won’t hurt him. This is wrong on many levels. He has to have his own confidence and go into this with trust, or it won’t work. Second, you cannot make such a promise. You can’t predict the future and you barely know him at 4 months… Which means you very we’ll could end up breaking up with him, if over time, it doesn’t end up a good match for you.

I agree with other ladies on here,,, has he even made you a GF. It’s not like you want marriage! If he can’t even get to that level, I would move on. It’s not your problem he cannot trust and some men will use this card as an excuse to prolong this ambiguous relationship, It’s because they know women are suckers and tend to ‘care’ and ‘support’ and untrue and want to be understanding. It’s BS, sweetie. Don’t put your life on hold for open ended promises.

As the other ladies suggested, I would just let him know at this stage you want a relationship now, with the right man. Then see what he comes back with. I would not offer to help him. That is not your job and you shouldn’t have to jump through hoops in order to prove you are not going to cheat on him…. Trust me, no man would do such a thing for a woman. If she had such issues, he would simply and realistically move on.

I would not do it unless you are prepared to walk away. If you make this statement you have to back it up with actions, which means if he continues to say he is scared , you leave and pursue someone who wants what you want.

If you stay after he continues with this excuse, it will teach him that you were bluffing and are more into him, than he may be for you. This puts you in a very bad position, because after that you really will be on his timeline and he has no incentive to change anything…..

That’s just a word of caution.. I believe you should do it, yet do it because you mean it and not because you think it will get him to change his mind.

Sooner rather than later*

Wonder how things turned out one year on. Chelsea could you give us an update?
Hope things worked out.

Sorry that wasnt ment for this. Dont know what i did then. My bad

This is too much texting. The more you text the faster your guy’s interest will fade out. Any relationship needs silence. He needs to think about you, to remember, to miss you. If you are always there, at his fingertips, it is going to kill the attraction especially that early on.

If a guy starts texting you non-stop, slow things down, ask him not to. You need to allow for things to grow naturally. Being connected 24/7 is not natural for any relationship.