Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He slept with ex, and that made him realize he is falling for me?
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Carolyn.
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Lissy
Hello, all – I need some objective opinions – my friends all think this is a deal breaker. I am in a fairly new relationship – about 4 weeks now. We have slept together but did not have the “are we exclusive?” talk. I know, I know. Anyway, he just came back from a long weekend away with friends and confessed that his ex-wife went with him in a last ditch effort to see of their relationship was salvageable. He admitted that they slept together on the trip, but said he felt terrible about it and that it made him realize how happy he was with me so far, he won’t see her again and has no desire to reconcile with her. He was terrified to tell me about it, and felt guilty, but also knows now he wants to pursue an exclusive, serious relationship with me. I think he should have been upfront before he went but I probably would have dumped him. I can be very jealous and don’t know if this will taint any future we may have together, but I respect his honesty, understand his confusion and wonder what I may have done if the roles were reversed. My friends say once a cheater always a cheater and to let him go. What do you think?
Khadija
Lissy,
No, let this one go.
While I know he’s not you bf going to see an ex for the weekend and having sex doesn’t sit well with me.
I hope it doesn’t for you as well.
He should have figured all of this out BEFORE dating you.
While he maybe over that relationship I’m sure his ex isn’t since she slept with him. Do you really want her lurking around?
There are plenty of guys without all that baggage. In only 4 weeks of dating him this is his behavior? I say free yourself now of this guy.Lissy
You’re probably right, Khadija. Darn it. He was so nervous and so sweet telling me. Also, I have been on one date with someone else but did not sleep with him – after all we had not agreed to be exclusive at this point.
Khadija
I think going out and dating others sounds like a better direction for you.
It’s still early on and you don’t owe him anything.
Plus you barely know each other. Who knows what other skeletons will fall out his closet.
I applaud his honesty but, take that as a gift and run!Raven
Did he really cheat?
Cora
I don’t think he did cheat given what you said.
And he didn’t have to tell you. You would have never found out.
Give him a chance.
redcurleysue
Obviously he did not know what he wanted when he started dating you – and there are no guarantees that he does now. Those are pretty words but actions are what to look at.
I would date others and him if you want – but I would give him a very long leash….watch what he does and don’t get too close for a while…
One month – you don’t really know the man….get to know him over time….
Anon3
He didn’t cheat because you weren’t exclusive.
So I’m not sure why he felt guilty and why he told you about it., but it doesn’t make him less trustworthy. It sounds like what he’s saying is he wants to be exclusive now.
I would take the opportunity to talk about what you both want moving forward. Ask him if he wants to be exclusive. If he says no or he’s not sure, move on, he’s not for you. If he says yes, then become exclusive and see where things go.
It’s easier and better (as you know from your comment) to be exclusive once you’ve started having sex. That’s what I always do. But he really didn’t cheat or do anything wrong in this situation.
I’d give it a chance.
Lissy
I think I will keep seeing him – but we need to have a serious talk – I will never tolerate cheating. I wasn’t at the point of wanting to be bf-gf yet and this makes me want to put the brakes on things and slow it down a little. At the same time, there’s the whole pride thing – when a relationship is new I want to be the only person he desires.
Carrie
If I were you, I would not be worried about him being a cheater. I would worry he is not over his ex-wife. Regardless of what he said, his actions show he is not.
In my opinion it takes 1-2 years at least to get over a divorce or hard breakup. Are you outside of that timeframe??
Date others as this ex thing is not likely to go away…he is confused regardless of what he says.
whiskeyagogo
He may very well have had his feelings solidified for you after sleeping with this other girl.
But it doesn’t mean that you have to choose to be with him because he may have strong feelings for you. He chose a pretty tacky way to find out, in my opinion.
Boog
I agree that the bigger issue is that he was still open to trying to salvage his relationship with his ex. Is she actually his ex, or are they just separated? In either case, it definitely seems like there is unfinished business there, and I could see it impacting your relationship down the road.
Keep seeing him if you’d like, but personally, this would turn me off. And I would not be willing to be exclusive with him at this point. A week ago he was going away with an ex to try to rekindle things. That doesn’t really sound like someone who is ready to commit to you, in my opinion.
Lane
I disagree.
Me ex husband had to do this with his soon to be ex-wife to be absolutely sure. We had just started dated after he had pursued me for over three months when he went on leave (were in the military stationed overseas). His divorce was almost final and he was having second thoughts which I believe is a normal process couples go through.
He didn’t tell me either. Went on leave and when he came back called me at work and asked if I could stop by his room after I was done. I did which is when he proceeded to tell me that he took a side trip to see his almost ex. He then said he knew within an hour of seeing her again it was a mistake and that he LOVED ME and couldn’t wait to get back and let me know! Although they didn’t sleep together he needed to make absolutely sure he was making the right the decision.
He was crying and told me he loved me and that I give him a chance to prove it. I needed a few days to mull it over but the thing is I hadn’t really developed any emotional feelings for him and we had just started formally dating so its not like he did anything wrong. I went ahead and gave him a second and let me tell you, he stepped up and wooed me over!
I don’t think you should abandon him. Its a normal process we go through and instead of punishing him just let him know that he’s essentially starting over from day one and needs to prove to you that he means what he say.
Boog
Thanks for sharing that, Lane. I guess every situation is different. I’ve been through a divorce and in our situation, we didn’t agree to split up until we had both already exhausted our options for getting back together. When we finally reached the point of agreeing that we wanted a divorce, there was no way either one of us would have felt comfortable being intimate with the other–we both knew it was over and couldn’t be resolved. So perhaps this experience is skewing my perspective.
Ivy
“Anyway, he just came back from a long weekend away with friends and confessed that his ex-wife went with him in a last ditch effort to see of their relationship was salvageable.”
I am not saying you should ditch the guy but this is real HUGE RED FLAG. This guy is emotionally unstable. When a person is completely over an ex they don’t do this kind of thing. And you really need to be cautious of this guy.
Right now you don’t know if he just really likes to be with you cause the newness of a relationship is exciting or because he likes you. And 4 weeks is too soon to know this.
I am really confused on how this happened. Could he have not allowed her to..Why did his ex even go with him and why did he allow her to? I mean really he could have said no, he could have backed out knowing that she was going to be there.
Sorry, no way, no how. A recently divorced man who had a last ditch sex with his ex wife. No, in my opinion, not a good candidate for a lifelong relationship partner. Remember, you don’t want to end up in a divorce, it’s not fun. You aren’t looking for something to work for a year, 2, 5, 10, you are probably looking for a life partner, and I wouldn’t think a man in this emotional state is a very good choice to be a potential relationshp partner.
2nd marriages are rated 50% more likely to fail than first marriages, I say this not to deter you but remember that you are #1 dealing with a guy who is recenlty divorced #2 is already dating despite he emotinoally isn’t ready #3 slept with his ex recently.
Kudos for him being honest but you dont’ really want to be his 2nd divorce, and a man who has learned from his mistakes is man enough to take the time to process his emotions before starting a new romance.
for me, no deal!!
Good luck to you though.
Jenny
Lissy, I don’t consider what he did cheating, what I’d be worried about is the fact that he’s not yet in-tune with what he really wants. Proper bounderies are the first thing that must be set in new realtionships and if you choose to stick around you’re basically saying I’ll hang here while you figure out what YOU want *with no consideration to what I need from this as well*
I personally don’t buy that he sincerely wants to be exclusive now, just that he’s trying to cover his ass bc he knows he EF-ed up and prob does like you and wants to salvage whatever he can with you. Even if you do choose to believe he had a sudden epiphany, you’re once again accepting this as proper behavior. If he needs to bang someone else to realize your true value, just wait till his bachelor party when he bangs the stripper but feel SOOOOOOOO TERRIBLY AWFUL and NOW realizes you ARE the only one he wants for life
You can give him a chance but be aware that there are men out there that don’t make it hard to be with them because they contemplate their decisions prior to acting on them rather than act and apologize after the fact
Ivy
I completely second what Jenny said, I was trying to say the same thing, but her words I think hit the nail a bit more than mine.
Men don’t sleep with other women as a way of testing out if they want to be exclusive with a woman, they stop sleeping with other women as a way of proving they want to be exclusive. And if a man does do it to test, that isn’t a man that makes for a good loving and healthy relationshp partner in the first place.
Boog
“Men don’t sleep with other women as a way of testing out if they want to be exclusive with a woman, they stop sleeping with other women as a way of proving they want to be exclusive.”
Yes!
Jenny
Granted, I generally go into relationships taking only my own needs and wants into consideration. I do however, try to at least be fair to the other person, if for whatever reason I’m a selfish sloo and sleep with someone else and tell you about it, if you choose to stick around I not only will think you have no dignity and prob lose a little respect for you, but I’ll also prob do it again bc I personally know I won’t end up with someone I don’t respect. I’ll eventually let you go once my integrity kicks in and says it’s not nice to toy with the little mouse just cause you can… Ultimately, people treat you how you how you let them
Lane
Sorry, but he slept with his EX not some random girl off the street. Its common for exes to question if they made the right choice or not. I struggled with it because I spent practically half my life with one man and although I Knew I couldn’t go back to him but it didn’t stop me from thinking about it…the human brain is very complex.
At least he now knows now and there’s nothing wrong with taking one more shot to be absolutely sure some do need to go through this process if there’s still a shadow of some doubt. Now the doubt has been removed and its highly possible he’s ready for something else with someone else. It could be you but if you don’t give him another shot then you’ll end up those questions. Don’t go through life with regrets, have to take chances every once in awhile where sometimes they work, like it did with me, and sometimes they don’t like it has for others.
Just be a bit more cautious and reserved that you normally would because if he’s ALL IN then he’ll totally step his game and woo you over. Like they say “without risk there’s no reward.”
Ivy
Actually to me sleeping with an ex is worse, it means that he emotionally isn’t ready for a new relationship. Maybe he needed to do that to figure that out, but I wouldn’t want to be the woman who he had to sleep with his ex to figure out if he was ready to move on on or not – I want the guy who shows up emotionally ready, otherwise I think a relationship has little chance.
And naturally this guy didn’t cheat, but I have learned from my own personal experience and with men I met for dating that men who still have ties to their ex’s feelings, doubts etc. make bad relationship partnership and poor relationshp choices. Their flakiness shows up in other parts of their life and is a mirror of their emotional maturity. Yes, we are all human, but relationships are complicated enough and believe it or not there are men out there who are smart enough to finish a relationship before starting a new one and ones that don’t go starting off like a high school boy flip flopping with sexual partners.
I never dated a guy who wasn’t completely over his ex that ended well. And sleeping with an ex wife to test the waters does in fact mean he wasn’t sure if he was over his ex.
I want the guy who knows in heart, body, mind that he is over his ex and has his full heart to give if it’s meant to be to me. I don’t want ambiguity.
The things that bother us in the early days of dating are precisely the things that end up being what bother us in the end. This is proven time and time again, I know this, I know this from friends, from life. Everyone knows that what upsets you early is someday going to resurface, people show themselves early on.
Why did this guy’s marriage end in the first place, he’s there dating, then having sex wtih his ex, now saying wants to be exlclusive, this guy is flaky, he doens’t know his ass from his foot, after having a divorce one needs to learn some big lessons and one of them isn’t to start off a relationshp before cutting ties from the old one and figuring why it didn’t work.
If you want to be with a man who has a hold a good one on his emotions then pick one is is super smart with his emotions right now – and this guy isn’t super smart, right now he was dating to experience a romantic partner but obviously he wasn’t even ready.
Lady T
I agree with Ivy!
Jenny
And Lane, I actually think you give solid advice and everyone’s subjective but this may hit a little closer to home for you because you experienced something similar first hand… But you’re speaking about a situation which ended up NOT working out for you, correct? He’s in fact, your EX now? So hypothetically had you left him after said indiscretion, maybe would’ve saved yourself from investments you made in a person that ultimately ended up NOT being the right one for you :\
Ivy
Thanks Lady T, I’ve always like your advice so I take your endorsement as big compliment.
alia
Ivy – you really nailed it.
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